Saturday, December 12, 2009

Today, I had dinner with my dear friend since Sec 1, Cheryl Khoong. This is probably my 3rd and last time seeing her this year (Valentines, Summer, Today). It's amazing how some friendships just remain so comfortable and easy, yet not superficial. Just lying on my bed, I felt that I could talk to her for hours. As my facebook status says, I am thankful for such friendships.

Over the past few weeks, admidst the crazy busyness for the musical which I am the producer for, I have been delighted to work with some of the people I have been working with. On the other hand, working with some others have really tested the lmits of my patience and goodwill.

I have been trying to make the effort to invest into new friendships with my freshers, beyond the superficial. I've tried my best to be understanding, and show concern not just for musical related stuff, but their personal stuff. I've texted them personal messages, continued msn conversations beyond just discussing musical related stuff. I've spent extra time, helping the various departments. I guess what I've been trying to show is - hey, you are under no obligation to help us. but thank you for helping us. you mean more to me than just a means to achieve success for our musical. I'd like us to be friends, not just working partners. I'd like you to be enjoying what you are doing too.

All that frenzy and bustling has left me feeling really tired, on top of all the school work that I have. I fell sick over the past week, my face is horribly breaking out, and I have a stye in my right eye. I have not felt this ugly in a long time, in all honesty. But slowly, I know that my efforts have not been in vain. I've become much closer to some of the freshers on a more personal level, and their appreciation towards me has warmed my heart in this cold london weather. One message in particular - "and thanks so much for all your help! and for being really appreciative and concerned - makes a big difference when someone cares bout the entire process rather than just the end product, if you get what i mean..."

Looking back, at the ukssc dinner, kelvin's sister was so surprised that i went out for lan and supper with the freshers back in singapore, and said that she wished her seniors cared enough to interact with them. At lush, the other contestants remarked that kings was the only school that cared enough to help their contestants with their items and be down to help them with hair/makeup.

I am jotting these thoughts down, not because I want credit, or to boast. None of my London friends know about my blog, not even my closest friends. This is my space, to think, to express. I am jotting these thoughts down, to remind myself why it's worth it.

Over the past week, I tried to show somebody who is no longer really my friend because of how feelings came into the way, that I still cared. I hope he knows, that just because people don't show it, or show it well, doesn't mean they don't care. Sometimes, all we need is time.

Friendships. They require maintenance. Opportunities, a chance to start. Forgiveness and a big heart, to overlook hurts. Sometimes, a fresh start, and a heartful of faith.

But at the end of the day, friendships can never be, if it's just one way. God, teach us to let go of all the injustice, disappointment, and anger.

in quietness
and trust.
9:10 AM

__________

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Where are you Christmas?
Why can't I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me?
Why can't I hear music play?

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too?

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the times have done
Is that why you have let me go

-

You'd never guess what I wish for Christmas this year, after all this time..
My self defence mechanism tells me to not have any hopes of reconciliation.
But then what about friends being friends forever, if the Lord's the lord of them?

in quietness
and trust.
8:15 AM

__________

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Guffaws..

in quietness
and trust.
10:57 PM

__________

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I was reading about a little kid whose mum told him the key to life was happiness. When he was in school the teacher asked him to write down what they wanted to be when they grew up. He said happy. They said he didn't understand the assignment. He said they didn't understand life. My generation GMH.

http://www.givesmehope.com/

in quietness
and trust.
8:02 AM

__________

There are little things that I like that I'll only get in London. Sitting on the top level of the red double decker buses, right at the front, looking at the unobstructed London views. London KFC which tastes so much better than Singapore KFC. Galaxy milk chocolate. Chinatown duck. Stepping out into the cool weather (but now when it's not too cold), wrapped up snugly in my layers. Taking care of rehearsals for Love Song for No One, watching the chorus members have fun and enjoying themselves. Hillsong worship services. Krispy Kreme donuts. Enjoying walking down the London streets because there's so much to see and you don't perspire.

And yet, there are things that I miss back home too. Good, cheap, delicious food that you can get at anytime of the day at any place. 70cents kopi-peng. Ritter's Sports butter biscuit chocolates. Having a bolster to hug to sleep. The warm weather. Getting to drive or being driven about more. Megalife/Riverlife. Friends. Family.

Has it already, and yet only, been 2 months since I came back?
Family. Father and Mother (and sisters) I love you.

in quietness
and trust.
6:02 AM

__________

Monday, November 16, 2009

"The Court of Chancery is a ghost, but like many other English legal ghosts, its influence can be felt on every side".

- The Law of Real property
Megarry & Wade

I don't know if the quote was meant to be funny, but it sure cracked me up in the middle of my very dry and long readings that I'm trying desperately to catch up on from Introduction.

in quietness
and trust.
6:03 AM

__________

Sunday, November 08, 2009

the boy just came back from baseball with surprise comfort/motivating food for snack and supper - kfc
it's all the little things =)
i know i'm very blessed.

in quietness
and trust.
2:40 AM

__________

Saturday, November 07, 2009

just had the worst few days of the worst cramps of my life.
horrible, i tell you.
it even involved me puking my nice lunch from chinatown out. what a waste!
the boyfriend has been incredibly sweet as usual.
i've been heroes marathoning the past few days and while it's been shiok, it's been bad too.
reading week's going to be over and i've only done 1 out of 3 essays.
bad bad bad.
enough said. it's time to get cracking on IP law essay now.
ugh the coffee was a bad idea. cramps are back.
thank God for codeine phosphate and other little comforts of life =)

and last night's dream made me realise that i miss you, my brother, my friend.
i've tried, but i've also learnt that there's only so much i can, and should do.
=)

in quietness
and trust.
10:06 PM

__________

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Fix You

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
but if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I

Tears streaming down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

-

God...?

in quietness
and trust.
7:04 AM

__________

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Will not worry.
Things will fall into place.
Will not worry.

in quietness
and trust.
11:44 PM

__________

Monday, October 26, 2009

It's The Way You Make Me Feel

Couldn't feel much better
Than the way I feel tonight
Feels like I could live forever
Feels like I could fly
When I thought I'd get it wrong, yeah
You somehow make things right

That's the way you make me feel
Better than I've ever known it
Better than it's ever been
I can't seem to control it, no
The way you make me feel
Like the sun coming up in the morning
Like holding the world in your hands
In a way I could never imagine
The way you make me feel

I couldn't feel much better
Than when I'm here with you
You make everything seem so easy
I'm telling you the truth
You never try to please me
But somehow you always do

The simple things you do to me
Simple things you say
I sometimes can't believe
It's for real

It's the way you make me feel :)

in quietness
and trust.
10:12 PM

__________

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I will learn to let go and care less.
I will learn how to keep calm and to master a poker face.
I will learn to convince myself that it's okay if people don't recognise and appreciate my efforts.

in quietness
and trust.
8:42 PM

__________

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

It's only Monday and I am so. Freaking. Tired.
):
-stares at my IP law book-
big fat sigh.

in quietness
and trust.
7:07 AM

__________

Sunday, October 11, 2009

NGHUITING I abit bui pieseh but are you referring to me or gina LOLS =D

So I've more or less settled down in the house (we finally had internet this week =)), and school has long started.
I'm taking the big 3 - tort, property, trusts + intellectual property law.
Year 2 subjects, especially the big 3, are really cheem =(
Hence, my resolutions:-
1) Attend all lectures (unless seriously sick or dying). I usually attend all my tutorials so that's fine.
2) Do all tutorials. No more copying.
3) Do all tutorials properly, including reading the readings. (sigh.)

Other than school, I'm swamped with stuff to do for KCLMSS. We've got our clubbing event coming up in a few weeks, plus preparations for the musical have started. It's my personal challenge to maintain joy in doing all these and not slip into the sian mode when I'm stressed. We just had our freshers' picnic today at Regents Park and it was fun save the traumatising ladybugs which were all over the place and on my clothes and hair and skin UGHH yucks pui gross. My friends are so amused that "being able to kill cockroaches" is one factor that I cannot ever compromise in a life partner. But seriously, Singapore cockroaches ain't no joke.

Okay, enough about disgusting creatures. More about my house! I'm staying with yanyi, viola, jingyu and benedict in a nice nice 3-storey house with pretty good sized rooms and a garden (currently a forest). It's been great so far, quite different from hall especially in the sense that we get to cook our own meals and eat what we want, which is awesome =) So yes, with some (okay fine, a lot of) help from the master chef bf, I'm learning how to cook! Jie, you will be proud of me - I read your Overseas Student's Survival Cookbook too =)

I'm also very thankful for God's provision and grace =) One of my life's deepest prayers have been answered (close friends will probably be able to guess what). We'll take whatever hits come our way and stand stronger together, this I promise you. Also, I've been so careless twice since I came back to London but God has been really kind. I left my charles and keith wallet pouch at ikea the other time with all my important cards, spare phone and keys, but luckily one of their workers picked it up and returned it to me. Today, I borrowed jingyu's trolley bag to bring to the law book sale and I stupidly left it on bus 68 because I was so preoccupied settling the musical stuff! I only realised after I walked into Strand campus and by then the bus was long gone. Another 68 bus driver was really kind and told me I could check out the Garage but it wasn't there and another guy said that the best I could do was just to wait at the return route and check the 68s that go by. Thankfully, I managed to catch the original 68 on the 2nd 68 that went by the return route. I seriously need to work on my multitasking skills man (as I'm constantly reminded lol).

The weather's been COLD, and we're not turning on the heater to save money. I wear 3 layers and socks to sleep now. Shivers. My fats are useless, they don't even keep me warm. And I'm obviously talking about sleep, because I'm thinking about it heh. I need to sleep early so I wont' nod off during Gary's sermon tomorrow =S GOODBYE WORLD.

in quietness
and trust.
5:25 AM

__________

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Neglect

Verb

1. to pay no attention or too little attention to; disregard or slight:
The public neglected his genius for many years.

2. to be remiss in the care or treatment of:
to neglect one's family; to neglect one's appearance.

3. to omit, through indifference or carelessness:
to neglect to reply to an invitation.

4. to fail to carry out or perform (orders, duties, etc.):
to neglect the household chores.

5. to fail to take or use:
to neglect no precaution.

Noun

6. an act or instance of neglecting; disregard; negligence:
The neglect of the property was shameful.

7. the fact or state of being neglected:
a beauty marred by neglect.

Antonyms:
attention, care.

---------------------------

Neglect, over the long run, leads to damage. It's not necessarily the end, it's just a matter of how much effort we want to put in to repair the damage, no?
God, family, relationships, friends, hobbies, passions.
What, and who, have we been neglecting?

in quietness
and trust.
10:13 PM

__________

Thursday, September 24, 2009

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, and denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing... Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?"

"We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works."

in quietness
and trust.
1:06 AM

__________

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sadness comes in waves, sometimes gently, sometimes so sudden that you find yourself pulled under and struggling to reach the surface, but all the time taking something from you as the tide recedes.
And some things, you only get through, you don't ever get over.
But it's not all too bad when you look around and realise what's still around you, giving you life when circumstances seem to take some away.
God, family, friends, the moments.

It's been about a year since I left for London. Looking at my freshers' facebook wall posts, status and photos, I smile and remember how it was like for me. Standing at the airport, saying bye to those who came to send me off. Walking towards an exciting and yet uncertain future. Wondering how things will turn out. Not knowing where this path will lead me. Not knowing a lot of things.

It's been a year, and yes, we've all changed.
And through it all, I've learnt that sometimes I've just got to let go, and sometimes, for what it's worth, I have to hold on tight and never let go.

And I have to remind myself that chapters close to another one opening.

in quietness
and trust.
1:20 AM

__________

Friday, September 18, 2009

Sophia by Nerina Pallot

5 o' clock and a fire escape symphony,
Spilling out across the road and the square,
And the sky's the same as your own, do you think of me?
Do the parks, and trees, and the leaves, reach you, there?
After the rain, in the lonely hours he haunts me, calling out,
Again and again.

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning.
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of of them is him.

And now I walk these streets like a stranger in my home town,
Learn the language, form the words when I speak,
But he changed me, I'm his ghost since he came around,
And now I count the hours and the days in the weeks.
Passion and silence,
Every word, every line, a measure,
It's the science of the soul,
And his books, they breathe a reason and now I want to know...

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning,
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of of them is him.

You, with your new born eyes,
Have you ever loved a man like I love him?
Do you hurt but still feel alive, like never before?

Oh, Sophia, Sophia.Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning,
It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out,
Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things,
I can't go without and one of of them is him.

in quietness
and trust.
1:21 AM

__________

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Family.

in quietness
and trust.
2:01 AM

__________

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Ah ye passed away today.

Can't describe it. What I've been feeling.

I'll always remember you, and what you said to me.

in quietness
and trust.
2:34 AM

__________

Saturday, August 29, 2009

And so I turned 20.

Spent the day(s) in a very different way this year.
Was mainly up to my neck in KCLMSS fresher's induction leading up to the day (which turned out to be a great success thankfully)
But other than that, the birthday was (for the first time in dunno how many years) mainly spent with my family, dx, and his family (and a touching surprise from my dear yanyi)
Simple, fuss free (almost), sweet =)
And I know spending it with my family made my mum very happy so yeah.
Thank you for bringing out the better part of me =)

Reality check.
1 more month to London.
1 more month to Year 2 of Law School.
2 more years till Law School Graduation (better be).
And a lifetime of moments.
Time to start meeting the friends again for one last time before I head back to London.

"I'm not letting go," she said. "Your hands and your heart are my home."

in quietness
and trust.
12:27 AM

__________

Sunday, August 09, 2009

I have a love-hate relationship with holidays.
Love it for the reasons all do.
Hate it because the festivities remind me more acutely of the fragments that make this family.

This national day was different, spending it with dx's family.
It's not a perfect one, but oh, there's just this warmth.
Like how you get used to the winter in London and its only when you get back to Singapore that you remember what sweltering feels like again?
I guess we kinda get used to things, or rather we make ourselves get used to things.
Used to the bitterness, the silence, the anger.
But that's not the way it should be.
It's not.

Watching the way dx takes care of his younger sister for a while now really makes me miss you, and the special way you always treated me and protected me.
I haven't heard from you in ages.
And I guess it has really made me feel really sad that we have and will continue to miss out on such a large chunk of each other's lives.
I don't think you're coming back to Singapore anymore are you -sad smile-
I'll admit that I've been angry at your absence.
But this morning as I woke up to the usual noises of ranting and anger, I realised that as long as you are happy wherever you are, I am happy for you.
You've had your crosses to bear, yet you still borne some of mine when we were young.
And for that I am thankful, and because I love you, I want you to be happy.
Be happy, and stay happy.
Although I don't think you visit my blog, I pray that you'd know that I am always here, and that I miss you.
And I'll always be your baby sister.

in quietness
and trust.
11:40 PM

__________

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

"It's okay to not know something," Shay said. "That's what makes us human."

No matter what Mr Philosopher Next Door thought, there were things I knew for sure: That I had been loved, once, and had loved back. That a person could find hope in the way a weed grew. That the sum of a man's life was not where he wound up but in the details that brought him there.

That we made mistakes.

I closed my eyes, sick of the riddles, and to my surprise all I could see were dandelions - as if they had been painted on the fields of my imagination, a hundred thousand suns. And I remembered something else that makes us human: faith, the only weapon in our arsenal to battle doubt.

in quietness
and trust.
10:38 PM

__________

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

The past week was GOOD =)
Finally a break after plunging almost straight into work at Leonard's once I came back from London.
Managed to catch up on a lot on sleep (too much, in fact), family, friends, shopping, and even went back to the beloved rjc (i will never acknowledge rijc) today.
Next internship at WongPartnership starts tmr and there's Lynn =)
And Singsoc stuff is ughh >=(
And friday's book out (for good) day.

in quietness
and trust.
11:04 PM

__________

I just don't feel it.
Or am I just blinded by the past.

So damn scared.
And so damn unsettled.

On another note, I really miss you jie.

in quietness
and trust.
12:55 AM

__________

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Warren Barfield - Love Is Not A Fight

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we answer in
Then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
But demand we give our all

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for

-

We used to believe that "friends are friends forever, if the Lord's the Lord of them".
Have you forgotten?

in quietness
and trust.
1:18 AM

__________

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

“Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”

Separate ways; and bridges to burn, bridges to cross.

in quietness
and trust.
10:54 PM

__________

Monday, July 20, 2009

Amazed

Every time our eyes meet

This feeling inside me

Is almost more than I can take

Baby when you touch me

I can feel how much you love me

And it just blows me away

I've never been this close to anyone or anything

I can hear your thoughts

I can see your dreams

I don't know how you do what you do

I'm so in love with you

It just keeps getting better

I wanna spend the rest of my life

With you by my side

Forever and ever

Every little thing that you do

Baby I'm amazed by you

The smell of your skin

The taste of your kiss

The way you whisper in the dark

Your hair all around me

Baby you surround me

You touch every place in my heart

Oh it feels like the first time every time

I wanna spend the whole night in your eyes

I don't know how you do what you do

I'm so in love with you

It just keeps getting better

I wanna spend the rest of my life

With you by my side

Forever and ever

Every little thing that you do

Baby I'm amazed by you

Gotta love old school songs no? (:
Tioman was amazing and sweet, although I'm horribly painfully sunburnt now not from diving but from falling asleep on the deck of the boat on the way back.
This week's my last week of work at Leonard Loo LLP before a short break and internship at Wong Partnership.
I've decided to "defer" Khattarwong to next year if possible, cos I want to enjoy my holidays proper. Afterall, I'll get to slog my ass off once I graduate, so I really should enjoy this time of my life now.
But for now, time to sleep.

in quietness
and trust.
11:46 PM

__________

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Relationships are really a direct reflection of who you are.

in quietness
and trust.
9:44 AM

__________

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

And I can’t do this by myself
All of these problems, they’re all in your head
And I can’t be somebody else
You took something perfect
And painted it red

in quietness
and trust.
9:36 AM

__________

Monday, June 15, 2009

hates TOTM ):
sincerely does. ughh.
pain pain painnnnn.
hai.

other than that, the weekend was nice seeing old faces at the two services i went for, plus catching up with abs ting and car.
and i had an awesome first day at work!
i know the workload will pile on in time but i'm happy.
still got loads more people to catch up with as well.
(:

home. it's a pretty indescribable feeling ya.

oh, look what you've done
you've made a fool of everyone
oh, yeah it seems like such fun
until you lose what you have won

in quietness
and trust.
9:16 PM

__________

Friday, June 12, 2009

And I just can't pull my self away
Under her spell I can't break
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
And i just can't bring myself no way
But I don't want to escape
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop

Come closer

in quietness
and trust.
11:04 AM

__________

Thursday, June 11, 2009

孙燕姿- 我怀念的

我问为什么
那女孩传简讯给我
而你为什么
不解释低着头沉默

我该相信你很爱我
不愿意敷衍我
还是明白
你已不想挽回什么

想问为什么
我不再是你的快乐
可是为什么
却苦笑说我都懂了

自尊常常将人拖着
把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕
真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受

我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦
我怀念的是争吵以后
还是想要爱你的冲动

我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口
谁记得
谁忘了

我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动
求我原谅抱得我都痛

我记得你在背后
也记得我颤抖着
记得感觉汹涌
最美的烟火
最长的相拥

谁爱得太自由
谁过头太远了
谁要走我的心
谁忘了那就是承诺

谁自顾自地走
谁忘了看着我
谁让爱变沉重
谁忘了要给你温柔

我放手
我让座
假洒脱
谁懂我多么不舍得
太爱了
所以我
没有哭
没有说

I remember the songs of the different seasons.
And I learn.

in quietness
and trust.
2:03 AM

__________

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Thoughts on love on the A380

Love hurts. In some way, one time or another, it will hurt. And you have to decide if it is worth the pain.
Love is a choice.
Love is not love if you choose out.
Sacrifice should not be about making the other person happy, it should be about making things work between two people.
Love is imperfect.
Love is accepting that it will be imperfect.
There is no reason for love. If there is, it’s not love,
Love is not sparks, candles and breathlessness. Love is choosing to stay on when there is no reason for you to do so anymore.
Love lasts.
Love thinks about the future, about spending the rest of your lives together.
Love is commitment. There is no such thing as being “on hold” with the significant other and being open to seeing other people.
Love is exclusive.
Love is brilliant. Don’t let the past cast shadows on it. Accept the past and move on. Cut the habits that still link you to the past. Make the conscious effort to do that. Don’t harp about the past. Don’t miss the present because the past has blinded you.
Communicate. Be honest. Make the effort to talk serious stuff and not just go out and have fun.
It should feel safe to turn to the one you love. If you don’t, either check your security issues and get over them, or think twice about whether the person whose arms you long for really still cares.
Love requires effort. It requires two people who are willing to put in the effort, and who are still willing to do so when it seems that they are the only ones trying.
Is unexpressed, un-shown love, still love? There is no clear answer. It all depends on the motive, the intention, the purpose. Fear is just an excuse. Wanting the other person to “be happy” is also an excuse. I believe that you have to fight for what you want. Fight the good fight. You never know.
Life is short. Don’t waste it on quarrels. Don’t take stress out on each other. Cheer each other up.
Say sweet things that you mean.
Be expressive. People can’t read minds.
There is no excuse for infidelity. An emotional affair is just as unjustifiable as a physical one. Betrayal by omission is just as hurtful as that by an act.
I believe that it is natural to talk about the one you love to you good friends. Keeping conveniently silent has only one natural logical conclusion.
We all make mistakes. Don’t keep trying to justify your actions when confronted. Say sorry. The other person has the right to be angry and upset. Nothing you say will change what has happened. Be a man of your word, and be a man – be better.
Talk is cheap. Actions may tell a bit more, but ultimately time will reveal everything.
At the end of the day, there is no substitute for love.

in quietness
and trust.
12:01 AM

__________

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Biggest question mark yesterday - JOO KOON??

Anyway, note to self
- Will donate blood
- Will pick up dance classes
- Will exercise
- Will exercise self-restraint and not eat too much
- Will lose 4kg (okay fine, minimum 2kg)

Apart from the weather and jet lag, it feels kinda good to be back
(:

in quietness
and trust.
12:42 PM

__________

Friday, June 05, 2009

(Almost) exactly four years ago, at MegaLife leader's camp
I met this seriously amazing person.
Somebody I had no idea I could connect so well with.
Sweet, funny, sensitive.
And I still remember our group name -Lyase!
It's amazing how that bond has lasted through the test of distance and time.

<3 you Car :)

in quietness
and trust.
11:29 PM

__________

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Another summer day

Has come and gone away

In Paris and Rome

But I wanna go home

Mmmmmmmm

May be surrounded by

A million people I

Still feel all alone

I just wanna go home

Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you

Each one a line or two

“I’m fine baby, how are you?”

Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough

My words were cold and flat

And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane

Another sunny place

I’m lucky, I know

But I wanna go home

Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home

I’m just too far from where you are

I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life

It’s like I just stepped outside

When everything was going right

And I know just why you could not

Come along with me'

Cause this was not your dream

But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come

And gone away

In even Paris and Rome

And I wanna go home

Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by

A million people I

Still feel all alone

Oh, let me go home

Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home

I’ve had my run

Baby, I’m done

I gotta go home

Let me go home

It will all be all right

I’ll be home tonight

I’m coming back home

"And remember the truth that once was spoken - To love another person is to see the face of God" - Les Miserables

in quietness
and trust.
5:30 AM

__________

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Watches are so named as a reminder - if you don't watch carefully what you do with your time, it will slip away from you.

The higher the hopes, the greater the fall.
When will I ever learn.

in quietness
and trust.
8:17 AM

__________

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Filched this off my darling's blog.

one year = 12 months = 52 weeks
in london = 9 months (7 september 08 to 7 june 09) = 39 weeks
in school = 4.5 months = 18 weeks
per week = 3 out of 7 days = 10 hours

school fees = £11,550.00
total hours = 180

per week = £641.667
per hour = £64.1667

no of hours did not attend class/fell asleep = secret
my school = ultimate slacker

say one year i spend S$60,000. 3 years=S$180,000

let's just say, optimistically, i get a job. and my pay is kept at a constant of S$4,000. and not inclusive of bonus.
and say i spent S$2,000 a month and I use S$2,000 to 'fund my education'.

one year = S$2,000 x 12 = S$24,000
no of years to pay back my parents = 180,000 / 24,000 = 7.5 years.

bye bye grzelczyk
bye bye international handelsgessellschaft
bye bye wunche handelsgessellschaft
bye bye rewe zentalfinanz
no more european case names for me anymore after today thank you very much.

ahh kk think $$$ think motivation kk bye study now.

in quietness
and trust.
5:49 AM

__________

Monday, May 25, 2009

Suck it up, drea.
You should have known better.
Stupid, stupid girl you.

in quietness
and trust.
4:43 AM

__________

Friday, May 22, 2009

I think I hit my burn out point yesterday.
Climbing out of it now is painful.
Is very sad, needs hug.

[edit]
I realised whilst studying eu that my discussion on factortame for public law was a bit off.
argghhh so much for hopes of first class for that paper.
And london has been having way too much sunlight.
Daylight starts at 4am and only gets really dark by 10pm.

ughh
hates mediocrity, so hates self right now.
sigh.
okay i should be more positive. 6 more days.

[/edit]

in quietness
and trust.
8:15 AM

__________

Thursday, May 21, 2009

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

天黑的时候
我又想起那首歌
突然期待
下起安静的雨
原来外婆的道理早就唱给我听
下起雨
也要勇敢前进
我相信一切都会平息
我现在好想回家去

I still think about you, and I wonder what you would say to me if you were still around.

And I don't know why I've been thinking about you at this time. Maybe because it suddenly hit me tonight that I see myself in you.

Your drive, your ambitions, your successes, your mistakes.

I wish we had the chance to talk about God, about marriage, about family, about ma and pa and ah ye, about priorities and choices, before the cancer overwhelmed you.

You were the aunt I never really got to know, but whom I feel I know so well at the same time.

I wonder if you saw yourself in me and thought the same too.

in quietness
and trust.
7:23 AM

__________

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

So it seems that all the people around me are either emoing, or just plain sian of studying and there's this really edgy just-want-to-get-it-over-and-done-with-and-go-home vibes transmitting everywhere on fb msn skype. strong strong emo and sian vibes everywhere.

pesevere, i must.
i will face eu tmr.
die die die nv felt so ignorant about any subject before in my whole academic life.
wahaha such a peverse thrill.

anyway because of the emo people ard there's of cos lots of emo talk. and talking to e really put perspectives into place. if someone cannot look you in the eye and tell you that he/she loves you and if there's doubt, if there's a need to think through things and rationalise it out then it's not love. love simply just IS. and if it ISN'T it just ISN'T. plain and simple why do we always tend to mess things up oh we stupid homosepians. love is a choice and love doesn't care if you've got a big belly and can't see your toes or what people say or the colour of your skin or as i've personally come to think i believe, what religious views you have. afterall doesn't God love everyone just the way they are? hai hai thoughts and beliefs and an overall sian feeling that people will ***** but then again why should i care and ahh haha okay self censorship.

i think if i were really to sit down one whole day and be left to my own thoughts and really dwell upon then i'd be able to write down a whole long list of lessons that i learnt about love life and loss. but right now studies is a priority and everything i feel and don't feel is trashed all the way back somewhere at the back of my mind because now's not the time.

YES!
Just got an email - WongPartnership said yes to my internship application! (:
wahahhaa okay that was a piece of random and happy news.

anyway i miss my sisters terribly. hardly ever get to talk to them sighh =(
i guess it's nice to know that you have older siblings looking out for you and to tell you i-told-you-so when your heart gets broken but then still know that they know exactly what its like and they know you and the way you are and all and sibling relationships are so special, nothing quite like it.

anyway tmr i'm invited for tea at the Singapore High Commisioner's as part of BW cast yayy free good food can't wait but hai will be feeling guilty for having a life.
oh yes and clubbing music is the new playlist hahaha mindless non-emotion-stirring music is GOOD (:

oh yes hahaha check this out

Hi Leonard! I'll be back in Singapore in early June and I was wondering if you have an internship position available for about (tentatively) 3 weeks from 15 June to 3 July?I cannot confirm the exact dates as yet though because I am still awaiting replies from other firms for internships, but it should be around that period and may even stretch longer.Hope that all is going well at the firm! (: Regards,Andrea Gan

Hi Andrea,
Sure. Most pleased to have you back.
Regards via BlackBerry
Leonard Loo

Wow that's a really fast reply haha. The wonders of blackberry!Anyway thanks Leonard, that certainly cheered up my dreary night (or rather morning since it's 4 am now) studying criminal law. I'll contact you again once my summer plans are more confirmed.Take care! =)

Hi Andrea,
Man U won the title. That should cheer u up.

Regards via BlackBerry
Leonard Loo

WAHAHAHA i can just imagine leonard's smirk. For pete's sake for those who don't know, i love arsenal till death no matter what (see see that's love).

hahah. it's the little things people do and remember about you that show that they care (:

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow

Let it be, you can’t make it come or go

But you are gone- not for good but for now

Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

in quietness
and trust.
10:36 AM

__________

Monday, May 18, 2009

This was the poster that greeted me in the toilet mirror this morning.

Party tonight.

4th floor.

If you can find it, consider yourself invited.

Kind regards.

No wonder I can hear ang mohs now outside my room happily exclaiming about how drunk they are.
Hahaha tsk. Exam period leh.
And no wonder asians usually trash the ang mohs in our studies.
Look at us, we have no life!
And if we do have the slightest bit, we feel really guilty.

Hai okay but just 1o more days
and I'll hit the resume button on my life yes (:
kings v ucl mock murder trial, mega shopping, musicale, and probably day trips out of london await (:
then it's home, home, home.

I MISS YOU FRIENDS!
I'LL BE BACK SOON.
and many of you owe me hot dates.
I WILL CLAIM.

[edited at 2.15am] EWW gross there's reddish puke in the toilets. Hai poor cleaners. [/edit]

in quietness
and trust.
7:43 AM

__________

Sunday, May 17, 2009

我爱上让我奋不顾身的一个人
我以为这就是我所追求的世界

然而横冲直撞被误解被骗
是否成人的世界背后总有残缺

我走在每天必须面对的分岔路
我怀念过去单纯美好的小幸福

爱总是让人哭
让人觉得不满足
天空很大却看不清楚
好孤独

Some things you just gotta face with your chin up.
It's been too long.

From dreams to a perfect stranger.

in quietness
and trust.
8:32 AM

__________

Summer, summer (:

Help I can't decide what choices to make for internships haha. Considering that
a) I need money
b) Internship allowances are sad
c) It's really difficult for first years to get an internship at a big firm UNLESS some strings are pulled
d) I do have certain strings to pull
e) But I don't know if I want to pull them
f) I keep pushing summer plans to the back of my head cos of exams
g) I may want to travel
h) I may not have money to travel
i) Should I teach tuition? But seems like the only subject I can teach is either GP or maybe Econs. And then again who will hire a tuition teacher for 3 months?
j) Are there any other jobs available that I can take on?

So while showering, I was considering my options
June - Internship at my old firm for about 3 weeks, get good pay
July or August - Internship with Singapore Legal Service, internship allowance
July or August - Internship at a big firm. Internship allowance again.
September - slack slack slack enjoy + kclmss stuff before flying back
Throughout - whatever side jobs I can get - tuition?

Sounds simple but there are so many considerations...
Like what if I get a place at a big firm but I get posted to some department that I'm not interested in.
Or what if I don't get to do much at all at the big firms.
And which department should I choose for Singapore Legal Service?
Tentatively I've put down AG's chambers, supreme court and intellectual property office in that order of preference.

Choices choices.
Money money.
Haha it's quite tempting to just take it easy and bum and travel.
It's the holidays after all.
But no cannot life is practical.

Okayy enough time wasted.
Gotta finish insanity, automatism, duress and necessity by tonight.
Positive thinking - we're almost halfway there.
2 down 2 more to go (:

in quietness
and trust.
12:13 AM

__________

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

And so it is

Just like you said it would be

Life goes easy on me

Most of the time

And so it is

The shorter story

No love, no glory

No hero in her skies

I can't take my eyes off you

And so it is

Just like you said it should be

We'll both forget the breeze

Most of the time

And so it is

The colder water

The blower's daughter

The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off you

Did I say that I loathe you?

Did I say that I want to

Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off you

'Til I find somebody new

It's okay, it'll all be okay.
It's all just cathartic, and natalie portman is how gorgeous please (:
Haha watching the skype screen cheers me up in a special way, thank you (:

in quietness
and trust.
9:34 AM

__________

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Alex: No, wait. I have something I wanna say. Today's the day my life begins. All my life I've been just me. Just a smart mouth kid. Today I become a man. Today I become a husband. Today I become accountable to someone other than myself. Today I become accountable to you. To our future. To all the possibilities that a marriage has to offer. Together, no matter what happens, I'll be ready. For anything. For everything. To take on life, to take on love. To take on possibility and responsibility. Today Izzie Stevens, our life together begins. And I for one can't wait.

Wahhhh. I wonder where scriptwriters get their inspirations for wedding vows from.

"You want to run, to thirst, to drink/You want to love, to know it's real"
Sigh. I could so use a big brother now.
Such a heavy heart.

You swear you recall nothing at all

That could make you come back down

You made up your mind to leave it all behind

Now you're forced to fight it out

You fall away from your past

But it's following you

You left something undone, it's now your rerun

It's the one you can't erase

You should have made it right, so you wouldn't have to fight

To put a smile back on your face

Something I've done that I can't outrun

Maybe you should wait maybe you should run

But there's something you've said that can't be undone

in quietness
and trust.
8:42 AM

__________

Thursday, May 07, 2009

It's funny how after a match facebook gets spammed with people commenting about how kayu the ref was, how exciting the game was etc.
And it's sad how while I'm living in the land of soccer, I've not been watching a single match ):
Nevermind that my hall has its very own pub with a gigantic big screen.
I'd like to think that I'm very disciplined =D
And that my love for arsenal never fades no matter how -sighs- disappointing their performance is.
Now THAT's agape.

On a side note, thankfully my studying is starting to peak again. Contract is just 5 days away wow.
And The Fray concert was lovely. Brought back tons of memories but its okay (: I choose to remember the good times as well.
The band sounded awesome live. Especially during I'll Look After You which I personally thought the chorus was pretty difficult to sing live.
Lead guitarist was hot. His solo accoustic song Heaven Forbid stole my breath away. Such passion, such emotion. Pity the ring was oh-so-obvious while he strummed the guitar. Hopes dashed. Pity.

Marcus is coming tomorrow. Better not be a distractionnnn.

Happiness is just outside my window

I thought it crashed, blowing 80 miles an hour

Happiness a little more like knocking

On your door, and you just let it in

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow

Let it be, you can’t make it come or go

But you are gone- not for good but for now

Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard

Happiness was never mine to hold

Careful child, light the fuse and get away

‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you

Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor

So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now

Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me

Look for it, but you’ll never find it all

Let it go, live your life and leave it

Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home

Home, home, home

in quietness
and trust.
5:53 AM

__________

Monday, May 04, 2009

maternal desire/instinct kicked into full flare today at church, wahaha.
andrea gan, andrea gan.

been hitting study lows when my first paper's exactly a week away. bad.
but thinking post-exam plans in london, not sg, make me sm:)e
not that post-exam plans in sg don't make me smile, but as dx pointed out, i don't seem to have any right now.

coffee doesn't seem to work. time to sleep.

oh yes before i go,
the time has come.
to
embrace
change.

i.e., the pounds that i've piled on.

wahahahaha had a first taste (of many to come i suppose) of having THE verdict today from someone i've not seen since august last year
"wahhh you got put on weight ah"
hahahahaha seriously can't wait to tell yy about it.
my sentiments may change in due course but for now its funny how i really don't mind and care and i don't feel concerned/sad/affected by such comments?
cos cos.
hahaha
shhhh cannot say.

430AM (not that i've been studying all the way, far from it, although i wish i was)
SLEEP.

in quietness
and trust.
11:18 AM

__________

Saturday, May 02, 2009

So I finally did the stupid CV which took up some much time but it was worth it I guess.
Speaking of law firms and internships, marcus is coming over to london next week! And lewis and his mum is already in london. But what timing, when my papers are just around the corner ):

So the house is settled, flight home is booked, exams are looming. I know my remaining one month or so of my first year undergraduate study will fly by, and soon I'll be packing to go back, go "home", my other home. I've never wanted something and dreaded something so badly at the same time before. Feels so weird.

There are many things on my heart. But for now, it's time to focus and make my (expensive =S) education here worth pa and ma's money as much as possible.

Priorities, and addictions. Haha.

in quietness
and trust.
10:03 PM

__________

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

13 days to contract
16 days to public
28 days to european
29 days to criminal

whackkkk.

Singapore Day '09 brought back pangs of I-miss-home-ness (different from homesickness) and talking to sarah and dx made me realise again how much family means. And I am officially swearing off maggi mee and hall food (shivers). Waitrose medium sliced long lasting white bread loaf for 75p is the new staple.

"There, the ECJ held that the obligation of the national court to refer to the content of the directive when interpreting the relevant rules of its own national law reaches a limit where such an interpreatation leads to the imposition of an individual of an obligation laid down by a directive which has not been transposed or, more especially, where it has the effect of determining or aggravating, on the basis of the directive and in the absense of a law enacted for its implmentation, the liability in criminal law of persons who act in contravention of that directive's provision."

That has got to be the longest single sentence I've come across in a long while (which I still do not understand). EU law is zzzzzzzzzz. But I will continue to psycho myself to love it so that studying eu will be ~~less torturous~~ more enjoyable (:

"And that's life as we know it."

in quietness
and trust.
6:24 PM

__________

Thursday, April 23, 2009

If it's gonna be a rainy day
There's nothing we can do to make it change
We can pray for sunny weather
But that won't stop the rain

Feeling like you got no place to run
I can be your shelter 'til it's done
We can make this last forever
So please don't stop the rain

Let it fall.

in quietness
and trust.
9:10 PM

__________

Monday, April 20, 2009

my 15 minutes of "inconvenience" today (as learnt in service this afternoon), made me realise how immeasurably much i miss those i heart back in singapore, and how thankful i am that the bond is always there, no matter how far away i am or how long we haven't been in touch. i do not like to take these things for granted, and i am truly grateful to all those you-know-whos out there (:

EXAMS are looming and constantly at the back of my mind and these few days have been a welcome break but its time to crank the engines again. European law is especially blahhhh ): and i haven't even touched it yet! jialat. and i've been feeling extremely tired these few days although i haven't been studying. doesn't seem to make sense at all ):

but through it all, there are always things to be thankful for
london friends
someone saving my precious laptop from the stupid trojan virus
box of godiva chocolates and somebody to share them with
heartwarming home-cooked dinner and heartmelting words

and time - the best healer of all wounds.

alrights, its back to judicial review - wednesbury unreasonableness, proportionality and Human Rights Act 1998.

Focus, and excellence.

in quietness
and trust.
4:40 AM

__________

Saturday, April 18, 2009

最熟悉的陌生人

in quietness
and trust.
3:40 AM

__________

Friday, April 17, 2009

Did THE surprise on lynn this morn, and watched chicago today (:(:
This brings the no. of musicales i've watched in london so far to 4. Wicked, Les Miserables, Stomp and Chicago.
Can't wait for the fray concert on the 5th up next! (:

Youtubing les mis now makes me fall in love with eponine all over again. You seriously can't help but feel her pain ):

in quietness
and trust.
7:42 AM

__________

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Being able to start the day early at 7
Hot breakfast to start the day
Meaningful quiet time
Asking and getting a reply from PJ
Productive studying
Playing the piano for almost 2 hours ;)
Pretty nice dinner
Surprise calls throughout the day

There are many things to be thankful for (:
Off to studying again!

in quietness
and trust.
2:32 AM

__________

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Between Good Friday and Easter Sunday, there was one Saturday.
No special name for it.
But between gloom and glory, Saturday was a day of waiting, hoping and trusting.

Sunday will come (:

in quietness
and trust.
7:39 PM

__________

Friday, April 10, 2009

Find rest my soul,

In Christ alone.

Know his power,

In quietness and trust.

"So as your world crumbles around you, the call from Scripture is: don’t flinch in faith in God. Stand still—not because of a self-made confidence, not because you are the most composed person in the face of disaster, not because “you’ve seen it all.” Be still because of what you know about God."

Thank you for inspring me (: I know I can be better. I want to be better. And like I said, I will get down on my knees every night and pray till that day, because I believe not just in Him, but in us. People around can say whatever they want, it doesn't matter. The world can fade for all I care. I know my true friends will stand by me and not judge, and I'll never be alone for He holds my hands wherever He leads me (:

Hope, faith and love. And His peace that surpasses all understanding. Thank You (:

in quietness
and trust.
6:59 AM

__________

Thursday, April 09, 2009

It's been months, and there hasn't been a day that I don't think about it.
But recently, things seem to be falling into place.
As one chapter seems to be closing another one opens.
Please pray for me, for us, and us.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heavens.
Ecclesiastes 3:1

Deryck picked Avril
Avril picked Deryck
awww (:

in quietness
and trust.
5:15 AM

__________

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Had a wonderful girly sleepover with yy and lynn last night at my place.
NEW PERSPECTIVES are good :)
Stayed up the whole night, so body clock's screwed up now haha.
Shall shower, then STUDY.

in quietness
and trust.
12:43 AM

__________

Sunday, April 05, 2009

wants to hit a club get high dance drink forget but nyehh so juvenile.

in quietness
and trust.
8:34 AM

__________

Friday, April 03, 2009

How different things were a year ago.
A year ago, I wouldn't imagine I'd be where I was today.
The person I've become.
The things I've done.
People who let me go.
People I've learnt to let go.

I'm not bitter, just sad.
People change.
I've changed.
That's not an excuse.
It's just a fact.

And I wonder, what will it be like when I go back to singapore?

in quietness
and trust.
9:15 AM

__________

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Do I let myself go and feel the rain?
I know sometimes love plays the part of a fool.

Letting go simply means accepting what has happened and having the courage to look past it, choosing instead to consider the future. it's the first step to moving on.

Dare I?

in quietness
and trust.
1:25 AM

__________

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

EXAMS, module selections, kclmss elections, housing, the surprise, internships, holidays

and THIS, THAT and THOSE matters of the heart.

walls and good reasons.

in quietness
and trust.
9:36 PM

__________

So I put my arms around you, around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you, they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me

in quietness
and trust.
2:13 AM

__________

Thursday, March 19, 2009

My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:26

in quietness
and trust.
5:48 AM

__________

Is Angsty. Needs Person.

Typed one whole chunk only to delete it, leaving only the above.
I want to get away from it all.

Is love something to be believed in?

in quietness
and trust.
3:56 AM

__________

Monday, March 16, 2009

"...Andrea, if you love someone, there's no need to separate the heart and the mind and choose which to follow. I believe they are interrelated. Use the mind to guide the heart. That may not be the most romantic thing to do, but I believe it's the wisest..."

You are such a dear friend to me, how in spite of everything, I know you're still there (:

in quietness
and trust.
4:51 AM

__________

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Tired.
Trying.
Wondering.

On another note, today was another exercise day. We ran from russell square all the way to great dover street to play basketball with the BW peeps. Then over to dx's to prepare food for this sunday's party and then over to Daph's for pjymas party.

P.S. Decisiveness in a guy is SO important.
P.P.S. I aspire to fill my mentor's shoes since she left the nunnery. Yes, I want to be a nun.
P.P.P.S. I'm wondering about how much to bother, about how much you bother about me. Will you even bother to salvage the friendship?
P.P.P.P.S. Only time will tell.

It's 3 am and I need to shower and sleep.
The weekend brings with it another whole flurry of activities, and after that its 4 more days of school till the easter holidays.
Its time to make easter plans!

in quietness
and trust.
10:50 AM

__________

Thursday, March 12, 2009

'Cause you are not alone

And I am there with you

And we'll get lost together

Till the light comes pouring through

'Cause when you feel like you're done

And the darkness has won

Babe, you're not lost

When the world's crashing down

And you cannot bear the cross

I said, baby, you're not lost

You were worth every single minute I was late, and more,
just so you know.
Times like these I hate the miles between us, but I'm past feeling that stage,
cos I know,
He's got you more than covered.
(:

I said, baby, you're not lost

in quietness
and trust.
8:19 AM

__________

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

in quietness
and trust.
9:03 PM

__________

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

And so we stayed up all night, drawing out our

final

cha

cha.

I know it's unpredictable, but in the end it's right, I hope you had the time of your life.

in quietness
and trust.
11:42 PM

__________

Sunday, March 01, 2009

It's amazing how You speak - through a song I never knew I had on my itunes, on a tired night when the heart just gets a tad too heavy for comfort.
I'm humbled.
I'm amazed.
Thank You. It's a beautiful song.

You Belong To Me
Grey Holiday

You run, you hide
As tears fall from your eyes
They fall like snow
From a wounded soul

You hold inside
The hurt of great divide
The hole is starting to get old

So come back to the light
To the love, you will find
It’s been here all along
So come back to the start
And you’ll find in your heart
That you always belonged
To me

Just take the rope
I won’t let it go
Give in
We can start again
I’m life, I’m hope
And I’m ready to explode
With how bad I want you back home

You’re my daughter, you’re my son
You’re the one I long to love
And you’ve heard I chose to die
Do you know you’re the reason why?

in quietness
and trust.
9:24 AM

__________

Thursday, February 26, 2009

WOW this week has been crazy busy BW BW BW and ESSAYS and WORK and babysitting and dreams and other STUFF of the HEART. Finally finished my contract essay, at the expense of missing contract tut but OH WELL. Just one more lecture at 3 later and i'm done with school for the week and time to focus on BW for the weekend until production next week. Zomg.. what a journey and now it's the last stretch! Was taking a break after chionging contract essay and was youtubing my favourite song of the moment BROKEN STRINGS by james morrison and nellie furtado and came across this video. HAHAHA and it brought memories of that date with R :) and me and YY's craze about twilight when we were supposed to be studying for mid-sessionals. Edward Cullen is how gorgeous please. Anyway like I told abs, it's a choice to be okay. So life is okay, Big Guy up there's got me covered, this I know :)

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train when it's too late

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell something that ain't real

Well the truth hurts,
And lies are worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late

in quietness
and trust.
9:28 PM

__________

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Hello again, it’s you and me

Kinda always like it used to be

Sippin' wine, killing time

Trying to solve life’s mysteries.

How’s your life, it’s been a while

God it’s good to see you smile

I see you reaching for your keys

Looking for a reason not to leave.

If you don’t know if you should stay

If you don’t say what’s on your mind

Baby just, breathe

There’s no where else tonight we should be

You wanna make a memory.

I dug up this old photograph

Look at all that hair we had

It’s bittersweet to hear you laugh

Your phone is ringing, I don’t wanna ask.

If you go now, I’ll understand

If you stay, hey, I got a plan

You wanna make a memory

You wanna steal a piece of time

You could sing a melody to me

And I could write a couple lines

You wanna make a memory.

If you don’t know if you should stay

And you don’t say what’s on your mind

Baby just, breathe

There’s no where else tonight we should be

You wanna make a memory

You wanna steal a piece of time

You could sing a melody to me

And I could write a couple lines

You wanna make a memory

You wanna make a memory

in quietness
and trust.
7:56 AM

__________

Friday, February 20, 2009

i dare you to look into my eyes and see me for me.

i dare you.

in quietness
and trust.
12:56 AM

__________

Monday, February 16, 2009

there's never a good time to fall sick, but there's definitely a very very bad time to fall sick, and now is one of those times.
beautyworld, sexciting as it may be, is starting to take its toll on me as well.
friggin busy.
tired.
missing.
you.
but tough cookies don't crumble.

Here's to the nights we felt alive

Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry

Here's to goodbye

Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

in quietness
and trust.
7:57 PM

__________

Thursday, February 05, 2009

I have. So. Definitely. Changed.

in quietness
and trust.
9:21 AM

__________

Monday, February 02, 2009

DAN: Why'd you leave?
ALICE: Problems with a male.
DAN: Boyfriend?
ALICE: Kind of.
DAN: And you left him, just like that?
ALICE: It's the only way to leave - "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
DAN: Supposing you do still love them?
ALICE: You don't leave.
DAN: You've never left someone you still love?
ALICE: Nope.

----------

ALICE: I don't love you anymore.
DAN: Since when?
ALICE: Now. Just now. I don't want to lie. Can't tell the truth, so it's over.
DAN: It doesn't matter. I love you. None of it matters.
ALICE: Too late. I don't love you anymore. Goodbye.
DAN: I love you!
ALICE: Where?!
DAN: What?!
ALICE: Show me! Where is this love? I... I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words. Whatever you say is too late.
DAN: Please, don't do this!
ALICE: Done.

*

I loved the movie Closer. Dysfunctional, poetic, accurate.

A heart is not to be played with.
How could you bear to hurt someone this badly?

J, hurry back.
I need someone safe.

in quietness
and trust.
8:30 AM

__________

Friday, January 30, 2009

I've never doubted that I'd have the strength to carry the burdens.
But I could really use a shoulder to cry on now.

in quietness
and trust.
8:04 PM

__________

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

-

My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah

in quietness
and trust.
10:10 PM

__________

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Love. Death. Loss. Brokeness. God?
A sincerely heart-touching testimony of Jill McCloghry, the worship leader who sang The Desert Song.
Take a minute off your busy day for your heart, and watch it :)

"..When i'm in the fire, when i'm being refined, and when i'm in the battle and the triumph isn't here yet but its coming; i think you look at God and you say - i know this is who You are. And He does get bigger in your life. And it takes over the things in you that feels so you know, shattered. And it makes Him the focus and it begins to put those things back together. "

in quietness
and trust.
7:23 AM

__________

Monday, January 05, 2009

i have many things i wanna blog about but i'll wait till my new blog is up and running first.

will be back soon, different and yet still me.

till then,

one night yeah, and one more time

thanks for the memories

thanks for the memories

in quietness
and trust.
11:30 PM

__________

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

God, please.
These ghosts they just won't go away.

in quietness
and trust.
6:22 AM

__________

Sunday, December 21, 2008

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

in quietness
and trust.
8:09 AM

__________

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

i feel sick.
i feel like vomiting until i empty myself out, until there's nothing left and i'm just empty and i don't feel anything and i don't want anything anymore.

he's literally written you out of his life, andrea gan. looks like you need another wake up call and an icy cold bucket of water poured over your head. you are such a stupid girl to have believed.
and you know how much you can't stand stupid girls.

but on the bright side, what doesn't kill your heart only makes it stronger.
and you'll learn.
i pick my own sea shells now too, each shell a step.

Sometimes tears say all there is to say
Sometime your first scars dont ever fade, away
Tried to break my heart
Well it's broke
Tried to hang me high
Well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me
Well I'm soaked
Soaked to the skin

It's the end
End where I begin
It's the end
End where I begin

Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes
Sometimes we've no choice but to walk away, away

in quietness
and trust.
9:44 AM

__________

Monday, December 15, 2008

in quietness
and trust.
8:17 AM

__________

Monday, December 08, 2008

you, yes you.
no
not you,
YOU.

shh.
xoxo

in quietness
and trust.
7:53 AM

__________

Friday, December 05, 2008

it's like packing everything into a box
sealing it
forgetting everything inside for a
while

only to find the box had a hole inside
and things
came
tumbling
out.

and the pieces that were broken broke into even tinier bits of pieces.
and i stand and i sigh with a tired
h e a r t

i'll be okay, with or without you.
i just hope you're happy now
and that you realise that everything comes with a price.
i doubt you even realised the value of what you left behind.

I laugh
I feel
I make believe it's real
I fall
I freeze
I pray down on my knees
I hope
I stand,
I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can

He gave me a strength i never thought i'd have.
i feel safe.
i'm sorry. thank You. i love You.
these are the words form a broken heart that i know You hear.
and i know You'll take care of him.

just let me rest in You tonight.

in quietness
and trust.
9:22 AM

__________

Saturday, September 27, 2008

At this moment there at 6,417,652,321 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. Some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes, all you need is one.

in quietness
and trust.
4:11 AM

__________

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Wow. The last time I blogged was May. No wonder using blogger now feels weird and rusty. To whom it may concern, I'm UK bound this week to King's College London to study Law. I'm ambivalent about it, so yeah. Just watch this space again soon. I'll probably be shifting to a new blog and getting a darn facebook (cheryl, you win) (:

Revisiting the past is really like poking at an old wound. It has healed but somehow, it will never really be the same as before.
Pastor Vincent Lun says to "delete" all such moments from the past.
I can't, and I won't.
All the memories mean too much to me. I've kept them all in a box all this while and I've given it to God.
But every now and then I take the box back from God and I open it and I look inside and I look back at God and I ask God why.
All the I should haves. The I could haves.
And after a while of silence God takes the box back from me and keeps it.
And He opens his arms and tells me to rest my heart.
Somehow, it turns out to be all I needed.
Not reasons, but refuge.

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos and memories of dead skin on trial
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable,
but in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

in quietness
and trust.
3:02 AM

__________

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't. In the face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that make us hold it together.

in quietness
and trust.
9:28 PM

__________

Monday, May 05, 2008

God, I need time that I don't have. I need energy that I don't have. I need faith that I don't have. People that I don't have. And understanding that I don't deserve.

Because I'm so screwed up.
I'm so friggin screwed up.
And the best part?
I don't know what to do about it.

It's a struggle not to sink back into the way things were in the past.
God, I'm so, so tired.

in quietness
and trust.
11:13 PM

__________

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Its another tequila sunrise/Starin slowly cross the sky, said goodbye/He was just a hired hand/Workin on the dreams he planned to try/The days go by

Okay the picture wasn't a sunrise but a sunset. The rj days feel like so many yesterdays ago. We're growing up, as we're growing older. We've got our grades and our goals. Our dreams and our drives. But in the bigger picture, so what now. Where to. What for. At what price. Work is such a narcotic. I love it and i hate it. Both with equal passion.

I miss serving in megalife. Sometimes the nostalgic feelings come in a rush. Sometimes I'm glad I'm not serving there anymore. Other times I don't know what to feel. I guess the disappointment eventually got to me more than i thought it would. The doors that i thought were open, weren't; while i missed other doors because my eyes were fixed on my own hands. Scarred, selfish, shamed and scared. Feelings that keep you away from God, and from people.

Church can be a very lonely place amidst the crowd. Tragic, how the gap between the head and the heart is so much more than 10 inches, and the distance between hearts even greater.

And how in all that, I had my parts to play.

in quietness
and trust.
9:39 PM

__________

Monday, March 03, 2008

Hello. It's been awhile.

I want to grab a drink and bum out at east coast park or something.
And to fall asleep and wake up in my own bed.
And sleep all the way past noon again with the raindrops against the window.

And I wanna play hockey again. Recreationally. And learn diving.
Watching the India vs Austria hockey match on tv made me miss the days when after training I was so smelly and my shirt, shin pads, boots and socks were soaked through with sweat and rain and pitch water ew.

And results will be out on ~~die~~friday.

We're growing up, up and away.

Work has been great. And I can say for certain that I'm truly learning a lot. Thanks sue jen, for helping me chip in a word to Leonard back then (: The once daunting litigation process and NIMA timeline and whatever not isn't daunting anymore, but a challenge at each step of the way. Acronyms make easy sense now - WOS, SOC, MOA, AOS, AVLOD, AEIC, SOP, PMPP, PPP blah blah. And working in a non-rafflesian environment (other than 2 of the lawyers for now at least) really opens my eyes to how to relate to other people. And I appreciate such a working experience. While there'll somehow always be something about me that still screams I AM A RAFFLESIAN, I'm thankful to have settled in nicely and working well (: and there's gonna be another firm lunch at no signboard tmr (:

Okay that's about all I care to share right now. Not like I think you'd care to know more anyway.
But yeah,
Trust in the One who doesn't just know the way, but who is the way.

Lift away the burdens
Assure away the worries
Erase the disappointments
Anchor the hopes,
to open the heart

in quietness
and trust.
9:48 PM

__________

Monday, February 18, 2008

When the rain comes
it seems that everyone has gone away
When the night falls you wonder
if you shouldn't find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes you blame
it on the things that you have done
When the storm fades you know
that rain must fall on everyone
So rest awhile it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do

When the rain comes
I will hold you

in quietness
and trust.
10:57 PM

__________

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

I finally managed to organise my sanfran photos.
So many of them!
But anyway, I just thought to show some pics of my sister's babysitting kids in sanfran.
They're so cute and happy (with a pinch of brattiness but oh well weren't we once all like that).
Looking at the photos made me happy too.
The insouciance of youth (:

Meet Peyton - she's the sweetest baby with the bluest eyes.

When it comes to babies, don't make the mistake I did by giving in to her and letting her hold her own spoon. With yoghurt, it spells disaster. But she's so cute you really don't mind cleaning up after her.

And meet Peyton's sister Eliza, who has the angmoh-kid curls and smells pretty-girl wonderful. That fuzzy thing she's holding is, if I'm not mistaken, George the monkey (:

Eliza is adorable. She declared to me, "I'm a big girl now because I can carry Peyton" and hoisted her sister up like a sack of potatoes much to my horror.

Being a child is so carefree, so aiyah.
Now I'm left in limbo.
Not here, not there either.
Not a "megalifer", not a "highlifer".
Not a kid, a teenager, nor an adult.
If this is a mid-life crisis that means I'm gonna die at 36 >:(
Not good.
Trust God through the growing pains.

Imagine. We're God's little children. No matter what could have been stolen.

in quietness
and trust.
9:59 PM

__________

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

If you want to, I can save you
I can take you away from here.
So lonely inside, so busy out there.
And all you wanted was somebody who cares.

2008.. I wonder.
I want it to be different. I want it to be better. I know He can make it better (:

in quietness
and trust.
11:03 PM

__________

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

I love the idea of Christmas, it's just so dream-esque, so warmfuzzyfeeling. I love the thought of a reunion, the whole Love Actually airport scenes, where there's Thanksgiving dinner with the big fat turkey baking in the oven and when everyone comes together feeling thankful for being able to experience yet another Christmas together while it's snowing white christmas outside. I love how tradition calls for presents under the christmas tree, stockings being hung, baking cookies for santa and mummy kissing santa under the mistletoe.

Christmas is about people, together, joyous.

One day, I'll have the kind of Christmas I want. Maybe not now, but one day I hope.

On the bus today I watched the news highlights on tv mobile. Indonesian mud slide, Iraq suicide bombings, Korean oil spill, Thailand politics, Asian Tsunami memorial. Pretty common news. News that we hear and maybe spare a thought or two for before settling down to have our dinner. Down at bedok interchange, a young woman without legs sings dispassionately by the hawker centre. A few steps down a blind old man plays the harmonica. Where I was eating, an old man went from table to table trying to sell a few packets of tissue. Common sights. It's hard sometimes to reconcile the celebration of the birth of our saviour with all the suffering that still pervades the world. But it's His love that gives me hope. Tiny, fragile, but sustaining. The common things that we're numbed to still breaks His heart every time.

God claims to be onmipotent and all-powerful, and yet there's no dearth of suffering in this world, so should we not question his competence? If God claims to be a a god of love, and yet pain is still necessary to "show" his love, should we not therefore question his benevolence?

Questions, questions.

But before we get too quick to condemn him to the cross. Stop, open your heart, just a tiny bit, and maybe when you look into His pain-glazed eyes you'll see that what drove him there to the cross willingly is just love.
Shit happens, but He cares.
He allows shit to happen, because He loves, and the truest love gives freedom and choice.

in quietness
and trust.
8:48 PM

__________

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

It's been a while. A long while. But I'm off to San Francisco in a lil while to visit Sarah. And it's gonna be just us sisters! Cool? Cool (: Will be back on the 21st. Meanwhile if you are good I might get something for you. Hyaks. Take care all!

in quietness
and trust.
11:39 AM

__________

Saturday, September 29, 2007

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn.

..-Veronica A. Shoffstall

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

in quietness
and trust.
2:21 PM

__________

Saturday, September 08, 2007

I have a box full of notes and cards and what-nots, collected since primary school.
Back then it was all about self-made cards with drawings and stickers and poems.
Secondary school was mainly postcards, with notes and letters written at the back.
And I realise that as I grow older, my collection grows slower.
Things that I have come to treasure have become less and less tangible, and I wish, I wish I could store all my memories in a box too.
To keep the memories safe. Take it out and breathe the moments both good and bad in again, in my own time. Maybe even bring it around and share some with friends and all.

It's "the penultimate lap" now, or so the chem department says.
I won't hold on to time, I'll just hold on to the memories (:
tps, rgs, rjc, rgstnf, rjhockey, 209, 408, 6L
Just let me linger just a little longer and I'll be back (:

in quietness
and trust.
12:08 AM

__________

Saturday, September 01, 2007

But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. Just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts. It knocks you off your feet. If youre lucky, you end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. But some wounds are deeper than they first appear, and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds, you have to rip of the band-aid, let them breathe and give them time to heal.

in quietness
and trust.
10:49 PM

__________

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Some things by their nature cannot be overcome.
Like how a cube of ice will never sink, no matter how hard you push it into water.
Yet I want to believe You can melt the ice.
Help me to.

in quietness
and trust.
8:10 PM

__________

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Hatred, bigotry, greed

Ignorance, calloused hearts, survival

And yet, hope, faith, love

Right now where I'm at - J2 Term 3 and counting down to prelims and As,
all these memories seem so far and foreign, yet not.
There's a much bigger world out there out of my current sheltered world, and I feel like when I do, I'm looking at things through a glass. Like the way we went to the dumpsite, took pictures of the people living there and left. It was real to us, but not as real as it is to the people.

Then and away, it was simple -

The way words weren't needed when a bunch of singaporean kids and cambodian mime field victims played soccer together.

I miss Cambodia.

And the burdens You give me do make me feel just so heavy hearted, but I'd rather that, than empty hearted.

Faith, hope, love.

in quietness
and trust.
10:14 PM

__________

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Frustrated brother, see how he's tried to
Light his own candle some other way
See now your sister, she's been robbed and lied to
Still holds a candle without a flame

For God so loved the world.

in quietness
and trust.
11:18 PM

__________

Thursday, June 14, 2007

I wonder what it's like to be a genius, and what it's like to own exams.
>:(
Back to the books.

in quietness
and trust.
3:26 PM

__________

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Calvary love.

It's been tough. I'm almost halfway through the year, and it's only when I look back over my shoulder that I realise how God's been so in-my-face there and how yet blind I've been. How utterfly stup, really. His grace was and is enough to face the day, if not I would have either gone to UK already or died here. I sure as hell don't feel the whole you know I-really-put-my-100%-trust-in-Him feeling all the time, and I really oughta grow up and toughen up.

I miss my rg girls. I really do. It's hard going to church and feeling so awkward when I see them. Especially when there's nothing to be awkward about anyway. There are things I feel, things I wanna say that just don't come out right, if even at all. And so I just look on from afar, and I can only pray, that I pray. It's hard. I can't find the words that just don't come.

I've read about leaders camp on many people's blogs. There are some stuff that make me go yeah heyy I get what you mean. But it feels like it's been a pretty long time since I felt that fire. This ministry break didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. Half a year has gone by. Pretty fast too. If anything, the break's only made me desperate for just one thing.

Just a faith that is real.

Not one that is optimistic, pessimistic, but realistic. I'm not saying that my faith has been unreal, but that I'm tired of trying to achieve a preconceived level of intimacy with God. Faith just isn't tangible and I just wanna BE close to God and not strive to the point where I miss out totally. It's freaking emotionally draining. Shawn's right. We get tired because we spend too much emotional energy on things that will not change.

Love is practical. God's love transforms, but the transition in our actions is ours to make. Just as surely as we're bound to make mistakes, I guess He'll get us there. God, I'm weary and the heart's grown cold. You know how I've been. Please let revival start in me with just a small flame of simple actions in faith. And in Your time may You let the fire grow. And if I somehow put out my own fire please give me a kick on my butt, I'd need that. Thanks.. And I pray that for everyone of the rg girls, You'll somehow let them know all that I haven't been able to say. My prayers are awkward words, feeble at times, but I know You know my heart, and that's enough.

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need." - GA

in quietness
and trust.
9:20 PM

__________

Thursday, May 31, 2007

There's a lot of things I wanna do.
To be free, to be better.
The break from church has given me some breathing room and thinking space, and I guess that's good.
But deep down things still aren't falling into place.
And there's still this emptiness that resonates like pain after being slammed against a crossbar.

And on another note, I'm a horribly lousy friend amongst many other things.
Sorry yall.

Little by little
The wheels of your life they're slowly fallin off.

in quietness
and trust.
11:36 PM

__________

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

You're pretty (:
-

I'm in a eat coal, shit diamonds kinda mood which is a pretty good mood. And I'm listening to SK's minutes to midnight now and it's really pretty good as well (:
I haven't had time to update properly but I actually have lots to write.
Especially about hockey, now that such a big part of my life is over.
Soon soon.

Today I had the last SPA of my life. Smack that man. Whoo!
GP common test tomorrow, and hols oh hols.
Oh yes Sarah's back from San Fran too. Cool (:
And uhh it's much more happening at home now I guess haha.
And did I say I have wonderful classmates?
I do I do (:
Try eating a piece of bread in 30 seconds. Me wanling junx and SK couldn't do it.
It's MUCH more difficult than it seems - take it from me, I tried twice today and felt quite =X during chem lecture test. But these little things are fun (:
Smack that all on the floor/Smack that give me some more/Smack that 'till you get sore/Smack that oh-oooh!

Little girls and happy pills (:

And maybe, just maybe, it'll rain again (:

I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

[/edit]
http://www.raffles.willbedefeated.com/
Hahaha.. it's quite urms dot dot but HEYY. World peace? O:) C'mon.. haha hmmm whatever.
[/edit]

in quietness
and trust.
9:31 PM

__________

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I've got tons of work that I should do now.

A long overdue lit essay.
Chem tutorial.
Math tutorial.

And there's probably more that I've forgotten about. Awesome.
It's unclear when I stopped doing my work. Last week? 2 weeks ago? Not like it matters when anyway.
I burn my weekends away, and it doesn't help that I find lessons extremely tiresome.

And I think I'm realising what's wrong with me.
I feel too little. My wonderful fatal flaw.

I think what makes self-acceptance so difficult is the knowledge that you had choices in all your actions, and you made the wrong ones. So who's to blame at the end of the day? you, you and you yourself and you. Round of applause please.

I'm tired of keeping it all in, but there's nothing to let out. What rubbish, I know. angstgal89@gmail.com sial.

It's not that I'm that unhappy honestly. As long as you stay away from some subjects I'm fine, I'm sincerely laughing and okay.
And I think I'm horribly selfish to say this. But I want out.
And tonight, this isn't me.
That girl died a long time ago.
Some days are easier to get by. Maybe just not these few days.
I could burn the note, or I could knock my head on the wall till I concuss and forget everything, or I could -
There are a lot of "or I could".
But they would all just be big fat lies, and as of now I'm quite sick to my stomach of pretenses.
Like I'm-drunk-and-I-gotta-puke kinda sick feeling.
And it ain't nice.
And no for the concerned, I haven't been drinking.
It's just an analogy dears, the way life is sometimes analogous to a _____.
Fill in your own blanks.

Sigh. God, help.
It's not okay but it's alright I guess.
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow.

in quietness
and trust.
9:45 PM

__________

Thursday, May 10, 2007

And I wanna believe you

When you tell me that it'll be okay

Yeah, I try to believe you

But I don't

When you say that it's gonna be

It always turns out to be a different way

I try to believe you

Not today, today, today, today, today..

Tomorrow it may change.

-Avril Lavigne; Tomorrow

in quietness
and trust.
8:43 PM

__________

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance

For a break that would make it ok

There's always one reason

To feel not good enough

And it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction

Oh beautiful release

Memory seep from my veins

Let me be empty and weightless

And maybe I'll find some peace tonight

So tired of the straight line

And everywhere you turn

There's vultures and thieves at your back

And the storm keeps on twisting

You keep on building the lie

That you make up for all that you lack

It don't make no difference

Escaping one last time

It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh

Oh this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in quietness
and trust.
7:42 PM

__________

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Think of Goliath- you stumble.
Think of God - Goliath stumbles.

2 matches
2 trainings
1 lecture test
1 tutorial test
1 remedial test
SATS on sat

At least there's 1 "holiday".
AND I WILL NOT FALL SICK >:(
Even if I do, I can cope.
I've done it before, I can do it again.. right?
Right.

I'll keep trying.
Think of God.
Yeah my heart is dry but still I'm singing.

in quietness
and trust.
11:03 PM

__________

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

I saw sean chook kk at training today, and when I got home we started talking online and you know how we separate era by like A.D and B.C I kinda separate the different milestones in my life - pre sec 3 and post sec 3 which is incidentally pre God knowing and post God knowing and talk about memories haha woahh.

Memories of the nonsense stuff we did time spent at town charles sean syen harry zhao louis and how they'd send me random MMS of them tekaning louis during class starbucks marche whatever have nots.

(I'm not punctuating properly and I don't care so what eat cake~)

Anyways we've all grown up and gone our separate ways. Haha frankly those days are now like scratch head scratch head huh oh really ah some distant hazy memory, but they were good. Though some memories make me smile and some make me cringe, aiya at the end of the day they've all played some part in making me me today so.. haha yeah lor.

Cheers to friendship (:

And whoohoo HAPPY SWEET SMASHING 18th HUITING!! (:

Ting dear, you have been a great friend, truly. Seriously you can't imagine how blessed I feel watching you grow ever since you came church. Your life speaks a testimony of God's goodness and love, and I thank Him so much for a friend in You (: Thanks for all the times spent, the care and concern shown (especially through your letters and all hehh) and yeah just for being YOU. Another year older in the Lord, continue to shine the way you do girl! I'm not good at all this declarative stuff it makes me feel awkward but you'll get what I'm trying to say right? -tight hug- (: You're the first among the j2 cell girls to turn 18 (and I'm the baby haha). COOL.. and hm maybe one day soon your prince charming will come -coughh- laughs. But yeah girlfriends all the way man - I'll be here for you these five words I swear to you (:

You make me sm:)e

in quietness
and trust.
9:46 PM

__________

Thursday, April 19, 2007

BLACKSBURG, Va., April 18 — Over the last three days, the Rev. Alexander W. Evans has spent his time in a cluster of small meeting rooms on the second floor of the hotel and conference center at Virginia Tech, listening over and over to a shared lexicon of grief, spoken in so many different voices.

“The reaction was the same: devastation, overwhelming pain,” said Mr. Evans, who accompanied the Blacksburg and Virginia Tech police chiefs as they took families into private rooms to give them the news. “That means crumbling to the floor, crying out, ‘No, no! My baby! It can’t be!’ ”

“You could hear it from outside the rooms, all around you,” he said.

The pastor of Blacksburg Presbyterian Church, Mr. Evans, 49, also serves as a Blacksburg Police Department chaplain. From the time he got a phone call from the police Monday morning, he has listened and spoken to those closest to the killings of the 32 Virginia Tech students and faculty members: the police officers who rushed into Norris Hall and found all but the two victims who had been shot dead about two hours earlier in a dormitory, and the families who now wait to take them home.

“There is no way to prepare for this, to train for this,” Mr. Evans said. “It demands all of our compassion as human beings. It demands that we help each other through it.”

Mr. Evans’s first assignment began Monday afternoon at the police command center next to Norris Hall, where only a few hours earlier a gunman, Cho Seung-Hui, had chained the doors shut before going from classroom to classroom, calmly shooting at everyone inside before putting the gun to his own head and pulling the trigger one last time.

At the command center, Mr. Evans met the officers who had rushed to Norris and shot the locks from the chained doors to get inside. “It means running into your most impossible fear,” he said. “It is facing evil and its result.”

The police here, he said, are well-trained, but the chaos and agony they saw had exhausted them.

“Several said they had never seen anything like this,” Mr. Evans said. “A number of them were dealing with the wounded, dragging them out of the building and racing them to the hospital in their own cars. They were repeating the cries of the students, they were telling me that the students were saying, ‘I’m going to die, I’m going to die.’ That’s the kind of thing that keeps you up at night.”

The youth of the victims has been “at the core of the pain” of many officers, Mr. Evans said. “They could see their own kids, a roomful of kids.”

On Monday night, after an impromptu prayer vigil at his church, Mr. Evans was called again, this time to work with other chaplains, counselors and administrators on the death notifications.
Once the police notified one family member of a death, it fell to Mr. Evans to tell other relatives as they arrived at the center, the Inn at Virginia Tech. The first person he was with was the older sister of a young woman who was killed. The rest of her family arrived around midnight. One relative walked up to him and said, “Do we know anything?”

“And all I said was, ‘Yes,’ ” Mr. Evans said. “And then they knew.”

The dead were taken to the medical examiner’s office in Roanoke, which is not set up to handle personal identifications of so many people, Mr. Evans said. Instead, the coroner’s office used forensic evidence to confirm an identity. Only in a few instances were photos sent to the Inn so relatives could identify a victim. Sometimes one family member would view the photos, sometimes a group.

“That was probably the most difficult,” Mr. Evans said. “The visual identification makes the reality that much more painful.”

Now that all notifications have been made, he said, anger is growing among some families because they cannot claim their relatives from the coroner’s office until autopsies are complete. Mr. Evans understands that anger, he said, just as he understands the need for a thorough investigation.

Once the autopsies are complete, the victims will be released to funeral homes chosen by their families, and only then will relatives be able to see their loved ones.

Mr. Evans said he hoped he had been able to show both the police officers and victims’ relatives who are suffering that they were not alone and that they were not without God. “I think God is crying with all those who are crying and giving encouragement to all those giving encouragement,” he said, “and urging us to find ways to make a safer, more peaceful society.”

/end

---
There's this particular twinge of sadness when you think life's been tough after a trying week, month, year or even life and then news like this come up.
Kinda makes you think twice doesn't it..
About fragile lives.
Father I know you're with them -small smile-
My heart is dry but still I'm singing.

He'll be everything you need, in every way.

in quietness
and trust.
9:31 PM

__________

Monday, April 16, 2007

As I rest against this cold hard wall will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun

Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again?
If I'm healed, renewed and find forgiveness; find the strength I’ve never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God’s plan?

-
Why is it that when I finally thought I learnt all the answers,
someone went to change the question.

Why?

in quietness
and trust.
8:29 PM

__________

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Every night, I escape into my head.
Cos in there, He can do things that you can't.

I'll keep You my dirty little secret.
Who has to know?

Abby: Reply my msg please girl (:

in quietness
and trust.
10:23 PM

__________

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Hello guess who's been seating at the front row this whole year huh huh and head down busy mugging somemore. (No la, this was just during GP class test.)

Anyways I'm supposed to continue to steal time like tang lyn^2 said we should but uhh I just came back from training so need a break right.
Okay my mum's back with dinner so yeah bye and hang in there through the week girls and I'll see you girls properly on sat!

RJ hockey 23 :) 1 week to season~

in quietness
and trust.
8:45 PM

__________

Sunday, April 01, 2007

That really reflects how I was the past week.
Talk about a maelstrom.
Flesh to stone. Stone to flesh.

in quietness
and trust.
10:07 PM

__________

Sunday, March 25, 2007

If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep.
-Oh my God, Jars of Clay

-
Today I really felt that I've had enough of life for the past two weeks and so I simply stayed home and enjoyed the solitude.
There's a constant weariness that I forget I feel until the end of each day.
What am I to make of that?
Lose-lose situations in life are getting to me, and I wish it was that easy to lock up my almost-18-year-old heart and throw away the key.
And reading other people's blogs reveal how uncannily similar we may be, but it's just like seeing them through a glass panel cos they'll never really know how you think and feel.
It's not for want of trying though.

On another note, a friend whom I never realised I had so much in common with is having a really tough time.
The kind where your heart is really breaking but you go to school and laugh and play and pretend it's all okay.
My heart breaks for her, imagine how much more God's heart does.
I think the church can gotta provide more support for first-generation youths to let them know they're not alone.
There are too many people hurting out there and more than just being a happy place to be at, the church has gotta be a real and safe place too.
To be a place that people know that it's safe to enter into God's presence no matter how broken you feel,
that it's okay and perfectly human to feel heavy hearted,
so much so that we don't have to try to psycho ourselves into a state and feel hypocritical about it.

Because sometimes, they just don't know that it's safe.
That in fact, it's the safest to run into His unfailing arms.
Oh my God.

in quietness
and trust.
10:03 PM

__________

Saturday, March 17, 2007

- And that's the way the cookie crumbles, along with my cough.

Hi friends, life has been whambamthankyoumam but I've been doing okay.
Thanks to the select few for the support and prayers during this period of time,
you guys make me sm:)e.
Darn, I really need to believe I can get through next week (where's my deus ex machina? ): )
Anyhow, it'll be interesting to see how I do for CTS hahs.
But for now let's just continue to trust in Him shall we?
(And oh Jing En where's the handsome boy now?)

hope, faith, love

in quietness
and trust.
11:43 PM

__________

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I saw the heartbreaker of a heartbreaker today, and after the day was over and I took my mind off hockey to other things I just couldn't help remembering the past. How it hurts to be hurt but how it hurts that much more when the one you care about calls you drunk on the phone, crying but there's absolutely nothing you can do to make things better. Sucks I tell you. So even though I'm tired and the medicine's making me drowsy I still wanna blog this, to remember my own personal conviction not to ever cause anybody that much pain. Yeah..

CTs are next week but my studies have really taken a backseat what with hockey camp and my lousy health. But it's really good in the way that I've been constantly pushed that much further each time we train. Sticks down, man mark, bang ball, stick tight. If you're tired, run even harder, go even further, try even harder. "Who's afraid of a little bit of pain", and that's the attitude. About a month to go before season starts, RJ hockey has been teaching me so much through the good and especially the bad, and I just really wanna do all I can for the team. Gotta continue training hard.

On another note, I wonder how NLE went. From abby's post it sounds good. I wonder if specific people are disappointed. In me. For not going. For choosing not to go even though I could have made it for the first day. Choices. Consequences. I'm just tired of thinking too much and feeling too little. Sean is right, busyness keeps us from attending to things that really matter. For now though, I made a choice, and I'll live with it. I'm just really sorry to whoever I disappointed (you know who you are), including maybe even You God?

I'm sorry, I really am..

-"You know I love your strength.."
-"Yes everybody does. Because strong people don't ask for anything."
-"What do you want?"
-"I just want to be a mess."

That conversation just really resonates to me.
Right now it's not okay but it's alright.
Ting, thanks for your msg and your tag. I may not share much but it's really comforting to know you care. Hug yourself for me and I'll give you a proper one the next time I see you alrights.

in quietness
and trust.
8:19 PM

__________

Saturday, March 10, 2007

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

Move along.

in quietness
and trust.
10:33 PM

__________

Friday, February 23, 2007

Routine gets comfortable.
In a way it's a coping mechanism sometimes.
Academic demands are piling on slowly,
but stress levels are relative.
In fact so many things in life are. Relative I mean.
Weight, time, finances, love yada yada.
We're all created different after all,
and yet the differences only arise when we compare, because differences are made through relative comparisons.
Forgive my incoherence, those are just some thoughts after reading suejen's and ting's posts.

Anyway since the whole world has been blogging abt CNY, let me put in my two cents' worth as well.
In a nutshell, it was better and more tiring than I expected.
Better than expected because I had a really good time catching up personally with a few cousins. It's endearing how Aldric calls me "baby cousin", and how Renshao still takes such an interest in my life.
And Renhan offered a diving trip in march! But obviously my parents won't allow. Not after the 2 diving accidents reported last week.
On a side note, jamie just flew back to aussie this morn. Will miss that girl.
Darn, only sisters can inspire such a love-hate relationship while growing up.
But of course the love somehow outgrows the hate as we grow up (don't ask me how).

Continuing on, similarly like hui ting, I didn't do any work over the hols (I heard that it'd be unlucky -nods head earnestly-)
Haha right. But anyway it was crazy challenging to chiong all the work due by this week, what with trainings and all.
The weekend's gonna be similar.

Looking at my J2 life right now, I know that there are many other things I could be doing.
But the singapore system just sucks you in and it won't spit you out till it's really over.
But I've come to terms with it. It's not all that bad.
It's all about perspective, and priorities.

It's just that sometimes, growing up can be a tough road to travel.
Skinned knees and skid marks.
And yet I still wanna be the person I grew up wanting to be.

in quietness
and trust.
10:14 PM

__________

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Cool pic, I like (:

But I don't think this is how you get a black rose eh.

Happy V'day yall~

in quietness
and trust.
9:31 PM

__________

Thursday, February 08, 2007

I was having a talk with X one day and she was talking about how she misses her boyfriend,
because she hasn't seem him in awhile and "it's easier living your life for somebody", quoting her.

And the thought's been bugging me since, just what this whole you-never-really-live-until-you-find-somebody-worth-dying-for thingy is all about.

Love is unique in the battle between head and heart eh.
Because sometimes logic and heart-tugs just collide. Hard.
And seeing people around getting together, and untogether..
It just makes me wonder la.
Like frankly what it's really worth at the end of the day.
And in a way I guess I'm glad I'm still taking h1 lit, although it's quite a strain taking 5 subs.
Pride & Prejudice is a much better book than I thought it was,
and the blend of neoclassical and romantic makes it a really good read.

Head or heart?
Following your head seems better, safer -
because it seems that the head knows the heart more than the heart knows the head.
But then again, people always say to follow your heart.
SO.. I don't really know,
but I guess whatever happens,
head or heart,
just learn from the good and the bad,
and just like. Move on.

Okay enough talk about that kinda love.
Let's talk about girls, cos girlfriends are cool and I'm really thankful for them AND they're not as smelly as boys.
A shoutout to some of the j2 cell girls (:
Ting - thank you so much for that letter! it's really blessed my heart and I was like unusually smiley haha.
Jan - Catch up soon kays? Probably over mugging again haha.
Abby - It was really good catching up with you on wed (:

I'm thankful for friends and sisters like them knowing I'm not the best friend around
And somemore sometimes in my antisocialness when I withdraw they still care abt me and stuff.
It's really heartwarming la.

And speaking abt sisters? SARAH GAN MY ONE-OF-A-KIND-SISTER-IN-THE-U.S.
I kinda miss you la.
I haven't seen you online at all cos of the time difference and I doubt you even know the existence of my blog but yeah.
Even though you don't really like churchy stuff I'm still praying for you okays.
At least Jamie's able to stick around until after CNY.
Sisters are cool. Though we squabble and fight, at the end of the day there's just this inexplicable bond having gone through shit and good times together.
And I still remember how it just felt so comforting when everything's just crumbling, and Jamie says "I understand",
cos she really does. And it just makes a difference.
So yeah. Sisters and girlfriends are really reasons to smile.

So here's to them (: (yeah I know we don't look like each other but so we're still sisters) and girls bring happy thoughts so that's cool.

It's thurday night now. TGIF tomorrow. I'll end at 11:30. Cool? Cool.

in quietness
and trust.
10:33 PM

__________

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Physical and emotional injuries are uncannily similar, I realised again.
Injuries can cause more injuries because of overdependency on other muscles,
and things like deep heat can only mask the pain only for a while.
They are painful in varying degrees.
And we try our darnest to hide them,
only letting ourselves grimace cos of the pain when noone else's around,
let's face it - the world''s just not that safe a place to be real to at times.
And slowly but almost surely the pain becomes normal, bearable even, after a while.
And the rest of the world goes by along with you, not noticing.
But the fact remains that the injury is still there despite it all.

For now, I'm just glad I've finished my work for tomorrow and I can take tonight easier.
Just a thought - everyone has weaknesses, but not everyone is weak.
I wonder how true is that.
Whatever. Haha. I'm tired. Goodnight world.

Face down in the dirt she said "this doesn't hurt"
She said "I've finally had enough"

in quietness
and trust.
9:59 PM

__________

Friday, January 26, 2007

There is this sadness that is unique to loss.
This pang that is accompanied by the sense of trying to grapple with truth.
Denial lasted too short, and it was really hard to say goodbye.
(I even bought new things for you did you know that? I thought you'd like them.)
I'll miss you my little friend.
I just hope you had the time of your life.

in quietness
and trust.
10:02 PM

__________

Monday, January 22, 2007

It's the time of the night where I have to press in past the mental tiredness of the day.
Yet I know once I get over this barrier, I'll be able to continue on for the rest of the night.
So for now it's a side distraction.

Since start of 07, I've missed about 1 week worth of lessons when I was sick.
This translates to even more work to catch up on, and with whatever else that has been going on,
I feel like I'm wading through thick mud sometimes.
It's tiring.
And it's not like lessons are particularly engaging or interesting, at least to me, or most people I know.
Check out physics lecture on a normal day-

4 man out of 5 down. Wenhao on extreme left still going strong lol.
Sorry for blurred photo. Me ramona and nicole were laughing kinda hard.

Thankfully aside from the ughness of academics, the class has been even more fun this year.
Sticker exchanging, eraser throwing, bingo championshipping secretly without letting the tutors know are just some of the little things that make the 4 white walls that much bearable.
Played captain's ball with the Jones from our junior class today too.
It was amusing to see physics at work when strong man kong does his power throws from one end of the court to the other.
I still remember how last year Ms Lee XL organised a match with some other class and oh time where did you go?

-pause-

Time.

Last sat, we had the first proper rg cell for this year as I was sick the past weeks.
And as the girls shared about their OBS experiences,
I just felt this heart tug that jolted emotions.
Are they really sec 3 already?
When did they grow up so fast?
It just didn't feel too long ago that rg cell was first birthed.
Didn't feel too long ago that they were sharing about c div stuff,
about peculiar home econs teachers,
about subject combinations even.
What's next? Prom? RJ subject combinations?
And yet even as so much of me is found in so much of them over the years,
what Sue Jen said a few days back resonates to me -
it's not about the shepherd drea, it's about the sheep.
And as I lay in bed I think about leaders who are humans too,
and how ultimately it's obedience, and not sacrifice that God desires,
how my heart really breaks when I read about some of their struggles on their blogs,
and how at times I am just helpless and powerless when there are days,
God just too many days that I can't even help myself, let alone them.

And as I pause to look away before I can turn back to the screen,
I know, I know that God knows.
Everything.
Every.
Single.
Thing.
And He's more than able to be shepherd enough for all of us.
And so in the midst of conflicting emotions and human fears and worries that continue to rage on since last year,
in the face of the knowledge of the past issues of yesterdays and yesteryears I still have to deal with,
and through the dark hues of tomorrows' uncertainties,
God please help me to surrender once again.
Every. Single. Thing.
Because God, I just don't know how else to live my life.

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives

in quietness
and trust.
9:29 PM

__________

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Send someone to love me/I need to rest in arms/Keep me safe from harm/In pouring rain

People have told me before how they think it's better that I still continue to limp along. They say at least I won't be left behind. But right now it feels that I'm not even limping. I feel like I'm being dragged along, choking on the dust of the past.

Give me endless summer/Lord I fear the cold/Feel Im getting old/Before my time

And in the process, the scraped knees from trying to get up and bloodied wrists from hanging on and being dragged through rain and shine - they hurt.

As my soul heals the shame/I will grow through this pain/Lord Im doing all I can/To be a better man

Maybe what I need is to just cut the strings off. Admit to myself and the whole wide world that things aren't okay. Because I'm heartily tired of showing up in my present pathetic condition to face disapproving and disappointed faces.

Go easy on my conscience/cause its not my fault/I know Ive been taught/To take the blame

Because this is not something that I can snap out of. This is something I need to deal with. And to do that, I need to believe that the faceless fears I'm facing are real. So please, please stop pressing me to snap out of this.

Rest assured my angels/Will catch my tears/Walk me out of here/Im in pain

I have and will continue to borne the pain. I know that what I need to do, is to see all I am beyond the pain. I just don't really know how.

And even though I feel so small, God just too small, I'm doing all I can God, to be a better man.

in quietness
and trust.
3:11 PM

__________

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Slash yourself, and you bleed.
Smash your fist through the window, and you bleed.
Scratch yourself hard enough on a barb wire, you bleed.
We're bone and blood after all.

But life isn't that simple.
Some things in life cut at a place so deep yet no blood is shed.

Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed but alive in your hands.

I can't find the words. But You don't need them anyway.
God won't you hear the weak whispers at night noone hears,
won't you just take this scarred heart.
Give me Your strength God please, please- for me to hold on.
For me to know that to fly on eagle's wings I must take a leap of faith off the cliff,
and for me to believe that You'll catch me before I ever fall too far.

in quietness
and trust.
10:54 PM

__________

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Hello world I'm alive, I think.
Sometimes when I look at my reflection I can't really recognise the person staring back at me
but I'm thankful that well at least I can still see.
Like what jerry said, things aren't okay now, but they will be.
I'm holding on to that God. With what I have left, I'm holding on to that.

On another note, I was browsing through my photo files just now.
And I hope, I hope I won't ever forget Cambodia (:

in quietness
and trust.
5:40 PM

__________

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

06 was tough.
In fact it left a bit of bitter aftertaste as I realised that the past year has shown me the aspects of "me" that makes me cringe.
But I'm picking myself up, even though at times it really feels like I'm fighting a losing battle against myself.
I have my sisters and my friends to thank. You guys know who you are.
My anchors (:

Through the storms, He reigns.
How true. I'm still waddling in my walk right now, but I'm trying.
Looking back, I made mistakes.
But I've accepted that I did not have the luxury of hindsight at those times
and the only thing I can do with all those lessons is to well, just learn them, and hopefully learn them well.

It's honestly been a struggle.
This year's not gonna be easy either, but I'm not going down, at least not without a fight.
I will get well in time, just watch.
Cos I know my God saved the day
And I know His word never fails
And I know my God made a way for me
It's gonna be alright
School term starts again very, very soon.
So I kneel in prayer today in all my fears, uncertainties and worries,
that I might stand tomorrow.

It's gonna be alright.

and by faith, I will break through Lord

in quietness
and trust.
3:32 PM

__________

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Hiatus.

in quietness
and trust.
10:55 PM

__________

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Heartburns

To say the obvious, I'm back from my Cambodia trip. 19 days of my holiday indescribably well spent (: It's difficult to capture how the trip was in words you know. Pics will come after Janell has compiled them all but the whole experience was really pretty woah so even with pics it'll be difficult and yeah I'll be catching up with those who are to be caught up with too - you all know who you are~ :) :D

I guess I could compare those 19 days to playing with sparklers (see pic above!), which we did on the last night at CCAMH (Center for Children and Adolescents Mental Health) at Chey Chumneas Hospital in Phnom Penh where we worked at. Project Beautiful Minds was short like a sparkler, brightest when it burns. I was learning how to treasure it, for a burnt-out sparkler can never burn again.

What's the biggy about this trip? To put it all in few words, I learnt. About myself, the good and things that made me cringe. About God. About people. How to laugh in joy. Life. How to slow it down sometimes. And love and what to do when there's a lack of it. All the many eensy weensy details - the work we did, the people we interacted with, places we visited all taught me something.

And oh I remember I realised during the trip that I used to think that growing up was to see the ugly things in life. Like how in Cambodia shit really happens man. Then the trip made me realise that I was wrong - Now I believe that growing up is being able to see the beauty in the ugly shit in life.

More to come but goodnight for now sweet world.

Our own fireworks on the last night too. Pretty stuff (:

---

All that I am

All that I ever was

Its here in your perfect eyes

They're all that I can see

---

in quietness
and trust.
1:44 AM

__________

Friday, November 17, 2006

Oh man there's actually a lot more I wanna blog about but I don't have the time right now.
I'll be off in a few hours to Cambodia on project Beautiful Minds and will only be back on the 5th of December.
Thanks for all the well wishes people (:
and yeah, watch this space when I get back.
Take care all!

God, enlarge my heart.

in quietness
and trust.
1:13 PM

__________

Sunday, November 12, 2006

I don't like it when I find myself wanting to turn and run the other way
then stay and see the smoke and who's standing when it clears.
):

in quietness
and trust.
10:18 PM

__________

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Met up with old friends charles and syen after the riverlife soccer thingy on sunday.
It felt as though it was the same as months and years ago but yet now it's still that bit different because in some way or another we've changed
and the landscapes of our minds have taken on new blueprints.

They call that growing up. Hm.

But anyoldhow it was good catching up with those two.
Remembering the crazy beautiful times when we were younger -
The emo nemo days and all the stories and other friends we know.
Through the years, I'm glad we're still in contact (:

And to ting, lunch and movie on thurs! (:
Geraldine: It's okay! And I won't be going for camp this yr, a bit sayang la. But I'll be at cambodia. Go shine for Him at this yr's camp again girl (:
SK, JE: I don't know about pregnant drumsticks but

there's something about those legs and birks that's quite =S and adui, pinky pleaes don't impersonate brain haha. And thank you for hunchback of notre dame Jing En (:

Oh yes, and PW is over~
Cool? Cool.

in quietness
and trust.
3:57 PM

__________

Thursday, November 02, 2006

This hols have been good so far. Major hurdles aka promos is over. Results weren't fantastic by RJ's standards, but good enough for now for me (: God was faithful as always, seeing how I managed to get those grades when I didn't really listen during most lectures and when I was choinging last minute heh.

Kickstarted the hols with 6L sports carnival thingy. Haha my class is like how cute la. While it took me some time to settle in, I can say I'm really pretty glad to be in such a class. J1 days are over huh [except for PW. now that, I CAN'T WAIT]. And after catching up with Abby yesterday, I really do feel like I don't wanna miss out on what I can do during this short time in JC.. and ah the decision still has yet to be made -needs Jing En's advice-

Anyoldhow, had overnight cycling too which was cool and no sweat obiquack [other than the chao maluating accident wahaha]. Managed to catch up with carissa too (: Good workout, but conked out the next day. But that's what hols are for too anyway - R&R. Oh yes and in reply to sean kong and jing en, yeah haha it must be the unsavoury habits of the company I keep. Look at the evidence -

Sorry sean, couldn't really resist it, since you gave me permission to put this up anyway LOL. Whether or not, quoting you, "it's decent, and [you] look good", you decide.

I'm not gonna fill in the gaps about what else I've been doing cos not like you reader would care anyway so yeah, and I don't have to blog about my days to prove that I have a social life like some people do. Hyaks. But just a last thought -

Was reading the crossfire that Wee Shu Min incited with her elitist comments [don't know what I'm talking about, just google Wee Shu Min], and I can only say that I find it pretty sad that such comments would come from a Rafflesian. Just the other day when the Tanglin Special School kids came over one of them told Miss See Tho that she wanted to come to RJ next year [for the ill informed, people like her would be considered lucky if she even gets accepted in ITE, and I don't mean it in a mean way, it's what their teachers tell us]. And while walking out to meet abby yesterday I was thinking about yeah you know how unfair it is that meritocracy breeds this vicious cycle that can largely enable the rich to get richer and the poor to get poorer and yeah all that stuff about the Gini coeffcient blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Then I was like sheesh so what if awareness is raised and people are talking about it it's not gonna change the fact that at the end of the day meritocracy seems to be the best mould that fits the local context cos a welfare state doesn't sound like it'd work either yada yada and even on a global scale 3rd world countries will never be able to catch up with the developed ones and aiya the world is just quite screwed up la you know? All the money going into stoop stuff like wars and nuclear warfare. We hear about it on the news and that's where it ends cos there's really nothing much that we can do.

THEN the starfish story came to mind and I again realised that we're not superman we're not God and best we can do, which is also what God wants us to do, is to make a difference in small ways whenever, wherever we can, to bless as we've been blessed. Easier said than done too, but I guess what drives the dunno how many humanitarian workers and missionaries out there is the soft voice of God that comforts them - "It made a difference to that one."

Sometimes we might be fighting a seemingly losing battle, but that's gotta be better than waving a white flag even before the bullets start to fly. And it only seems like it's a losing battle, cos we all know that battle's already been won. Kinda makes me remember the song "The enemy's been defeated/and death couldn't hold You down/We're gonna lift our voice in victory/We're gonna make Your praises loud."

We all know in our heads. I guess the challenge lies in believing in our hearts.

in quietness
and trust.
1:57 PM

__________

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

How simple things were when we were younger.
Now it's like everyone's watching, and everyone's critical;
and we never really fly cos we're too afraid to fall.
Someone please tell me once again what happened to carefree innocence?

in quietness
and trust.
12:10 AM

__________

Thursday, October 26, 2006

We were drawn from the weeds
We were brave like soldiers
Falling down under the pale moonlight
You were holding to me
Like someone broken
And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now
Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

I was thinking about the past,
about how people who enter your life somehow take a part of you away wherever they may go in the end.
Okay maybe not really like take away
but somehow there's this invisible transaction that kinda says like
See this heart shaped thing?
Somewhere, a portion of it has your name stamped on it
and no matter the time, it'll always recognise that one yesterday or yesteryear,
you meant a lot to me-
and because you meant a lot to me,
you will always mean a lot to me.
And I will always try my best to be here for you should you need me -
that's what friends are for, and I truly care.

And it's really okay if there's no forever
especially when you know that even through time,
they've never really left your heart.
(:

And dear God, things are still tough I guess, but thank You for those people you've placed in my life. You always know best huh (: Thank You for showing me just so much through those special few people over the years.. You never said the road would be easy but You do make things that much sweeter by sending them to run with me.

Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same

Call on me
I'll be there for you
And you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same

Cos sometimes you can't make it on your own

in quietness
and trust.
10:58 PM

__________

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Vania - Niaaa ah haha please take good care of your back okays. It was cool hanging out with you too, heh let's do it more often. God bless you fellow eighter and sister ;)
Anon- Who are you? and yeah, thanks for the wishes.
Huiting - (: hello!

Ah it's been quite a rollarcoaster. I think things are more or less okay now though, so yup
-small smile-
And I realised that the VS guys I know all have this thing for drinking. Hmm.

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home...hard to know what it is if you never had one
Home...I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the heart is

Walk on, walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind

- Walk On

Good song by U2. "The only baggage you can bring is all that you can't leave behind".
True, true.
We learn to walk on, so let's walk on (:
God's here, and we'll take it a baby step at a time.

in quietness
and trust.
11:27 PM

__________

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Not too long ago, I was wishing that I was either sky high
or down in the pits.
At least either way I'd know where I am
then I wouldn't have to feel like I'm somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream.
It came to the point when I began to cut some strings
because as we all know it's easier to fall than fly.

I know that it feels like leaving
Is a part of letting go
But I'm praying with hope and believing
That I'll see you once again down this road
I hope that it won't be long

I called, and You answered.
And oh it's like falling back to the arms of grace.
And although sometimes the time felt just too long,
thank You for helping me trust Your timing.

I will be there when you call
I will see you through it all
And even in your darkest hour
I pray that the Lord we found
Will set you on solid ground

And hey friend I hope you know that whenever you need someone,
I'll be there on the double.
It was really good to hear your voice.

Sean - ha. ha. Aiyo and can you please stop making things go bump -shakes head-
Jing En - No way -horrified look-

in quietness
and trust.
11:55 PM

__________

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I was looking through the 490386386946 photos files on my laptop and oh haha it's pretty incredible to think that my j1 life is almost over.
So let's sink a toast to the midnight sky and hey God, thanks for those crazy beautiful times.

and friends are friends forever, if the Lord's the lord of them

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

07So6L. A chao bomb smart class but still a really fun class. Haha and oh the little girls and singing boys.

Oh yeah and this is pretty belated now but amanda dear girl hope you enjoyed your birthday. We didn't forget you kay haha it was all part of the surprise. Here's the pic

and let's go for our picnic during the hols kay (:

Pinky and the brain, pinky and the brain.
One is a genius, the other's insane.
Barbie stickers, guess who's pinky and who's the brain.
Easy peasy stuff.
Haha and Jing En I need to get a new pencil box reaaaal badly it's all falling apart!

Ah well and I've got tons more photos but I should like stop and go revise for chem mock spa although I've got absolutely no mood and I've lost one part of the notes oh boy.
And training starts tomorrow.
And my turf boots.. whoever stole them I hope the smell makes you regret it hmph.

Oh yes and hello sk.

in quietness
and trust.
11:28 PM

__________

Monday, October 09, 2006

Watch this, it's really good.

-

Hollowness has this resonating effect that amplifies all the feelings that you've kept locked inside and thrown away the key.
"Those three words/are said too much/and not enough."
I wonder.
Yet I think,

sometimes the words are still felt, if not spoken.
It's just that we don't know how to show how we feel yet.
And even if they are shown,
they're just shown in ways we can't really pick up.
I'm just learning to dig a little deeper
and to listen a little more.
-small smile-

With You I can.

in quietness
and trust.
12:54 AM

__________

Friday, October 06, 2006

Photobucket's taking too long to upload my photos so I won't be posting any for now.
But all in all, post-promos life has been generally good (:
Oh and check out http://thankgod.blogsome.com, as well as http://www.lightamillioncandles.com/
Come on come on do it. The second site's for a really good cause as well, with no strings attached.
So there.

Anyhows, I'll be away at Cambodia trip pre-camp from fri to sat, but will still be contactable by phone.
Anyone who wants to go adult second service with me on sunday drop me a msg k?
And I've been gathering my multifarious thoughts - will probably plonk them down when I get back from my camp.
This blog is meant to be cathartic anyway, so.. yeah.

Alrights -
you, you and you - you as well, and you over there, take good good care.
After all with God we can bend but we will never break.

in quietness
and trust.
12:13 AM

__________

Saturday, September 30, 2006

It's pouring right now and oh how nice it is to snuggle up on bed, my laptop on, just chilling and without having to think about how much I have left to do.
In other words, the big P is over (:
-

And I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old.

Life has this crazy beautiful habit of being so predictably unpredictable.
To take away and give.
I'd like to think that the words and thoughts of "I'm sorry", choked up inside will be felt, if not heard
But I know better.
People will judge and think what they like, even in church -
there comes a point when whispers behind your back get too loud or even somehow in-your-face,
and the watching gets that tad too incriminating.
But nothing will ever take away that soft still voice of God inside that says
It's okay. Things will be alright.
-small smile-
-
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake.
You're my shooting star.

in quietness
and trust.
1:23 PM

__________

Sunday, September 24, 2006

"A prayer is all I can offer to you. As we start our exams tomorrow, may we commit this exam to God's hands. Let's be praying for each other. Pass this on :)" - mes

This was one of the several messages of encouragement I received today.
I don't know who started this chain message but it sure is heartwarming to know that we're all in this together, and with God in the center of it all.
Some say the "elite" are colder, less affectionate, more self sufficient and reliant and yada yada..
Well sometimes, that may be true
but times like these when you can sense this whole atmosphere of God's children,
different in their own walks,
trying, drawing nearer to Him,
and sharing and supporting one another in such ways,
well you simply can't dismiss that sense of warmth.
(:

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

in quietness
and trust.
10:08 PM

__________

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Replying tags-
Mel - do keep me updated if you're coming back ya. take good good care over in aussie (:
Aly - aww thank you my dear girl. the encouragement means lots. you take good care too ya? (: -hugs-
Jac - SENIOR! haha yeah boys are smelly. all the best for prelims too ya? (:
Shaun - haha don't you like. talk to me every week. thanks for the concern though. catch up over the weekend?

Anyway school's out and it's just study break before the thing that starts with pro and ends with -mos.
I'm not panicking, but at the back of my mind I know i could be doing more,
yet things are cool.
I've got His peace.
I'll just do my best.
Alrights man chiong ah.

On a random note, I was doing math a few nights ago when I got stuck and feeling urgh and all
before I looked up and saw the poem my hockey coach gave us pinned to my board.
It's a bit lengthy but it's really quite meaningful, especially for those who do sports too.

THIS IS YOUR GAME

This is your game... I hope you win.

I hope you win for your sake, not mine.

Because winning is nice.

It's a good feeling, like the whole world is yours.

But it passes, this feeling.

And what lasts is what you have learned.

And what you learned about life.

That's what HOCKEY is all

about...LIFE.

The whole things is played out in an afternoon.

The happiness of life, the miseries, the joys, the heartbreaks.

There's no telling how you will do.

You might be a hero or you might be absolutely nothing.

There's just no telling.

Too much depends on chance.

On how the ball bounces.

I'm not talking about the game, I'm

talking about LIFE.

But it's LIFE the game's about. Just as I

said.

Becuase every game is LIFE, and LIFE is

a game - a serious one.

Dead serious.

But that is what you do with serious

things - you DO YOUR BEST.

You take what comes.

You take what comes and you run with it.

Winning is fun sure, but winning is not the point.

Wanting to win is the point.

Not giving up is the point.

Never letting up is the point.

Never letting anyone down is the point.

Play to win sure, but lose like a champion.

Becaue it's not winning that counts

What counts is trying.

-Author unknown

Good news is that math got better after I borrowed wenhao's worked answers.
I have some really cool classmates (:
So yeah anyway. That poem sorta helped put things into perspective.
I'd like to think that I can look back on memories and smile and laugh,
and not have to realise one day that I was too caught up in the fleeting and actually missed out on life.

Thank You God for reagents and conditions.
Thank You God for Young's double slit experiment.
Thank You God for market failure and government intervention.
Thank You God for oh I don't know what to write for math.
Aiya zong zi thank You God for everything la (:

you take what comes and you run with it

in quietness
and trust.
2:33 AM

__________

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Nails didn't keep Jesus on the cross - love did

All my friends out there, do take good care alrights.
(:

in quietness
and trust.
10:24 PM

__________

Sunday, September 10, 2006

I'm glad to say that I think things are falling back into place,
and that slowly but surely, by His grace, I'm getting back on track.
It's not gonna be easy, but "He's got the whole world in His hands".
Somehow, His way, things will be alright.
TRACKER QUOTE : It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.
(:

Oh yes, and I've been hearing quite a lot of good news from RJ cell side.
I might not be around with you guys physically a lot, but believe me, my heart is.
We'll press on together (:

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Be still, and know He is God.
I'll be trying God.
Thank You.

in quietness
and trust.
11:16 PM

__________

Friday, September 08, 2006

The sense of being trapped in the past, and too worried about what's coming in the future just leaves me in limbo.
I'm never truly appreciating the here, the now.
And that's sad.
I've been trying to snap out of it for ages.
Sometimes I get there, sometimes I don't.
I've been doing too much, and not being enough.

We worry too much.
Fear does that to us.

I used to do things to make my physical self a bigger wreck than my emotional self already was. I know a lot of people did, and some still do.
They did it in hopes that someone would see that things aren't alright
that somebody,
anybody
would come and save them.
Surprised? Why not. Look at the language our world speaks today.
Violence gets attention.
Yet, just yet,
we
just
somehow
end up
not
listening.
Simply stated: we've stopped listening.
We're myopic, and we're selfish.
There's a world crying out for something more.
But we go on living our lies. Oops, I meant lives - not.
Ah okay. I really don't mean to sound so caustic yeah.
It's just that.. sometimes it's quite ugh you get what I mean?

I remember walking to shop&save outside my house, and I saw this really old man who was stooped to a comma, picking up rubbish.
And there I was, going to get food.
I thought about all that they say about equality.
Bullshit.
Maybe there's a deeper meaning to all that education we're put through.
That somehow maybe the good guys will earn the money and make things just that bit easier for the people out there who are suffering.
I pray God will make me one of those good guys somehow.
Love them like Jesus does.

I wonder how people view me through my blog.
The close friends, the sister, the friends/aquaintances, the phantom blog reader, the random blog reader.
Just a disclaimer -
I'm not unhappy most of the time.
It's just the way I sound through my writing.
Dont' judge alright please.
Chances are, you don't know me well enough to warrant that unless you belong to the first 2 categories of people.

You're reading randomly inspired paragraphs.
So let's carry on shall we.
Let's talk about.. ministry.
Something that is so personal to me, I hardly blog about it.
Me. I'm not exaggerating, but I currently do have commitments from family, school, church, social life - that just about keeps me saturated in the things to do.
Hence the reflection in the first paragraph.
Shall I list my commitments out?
Nah. That's not the point.
Point is, I look forward to the weekend so much.
I look forward to service, to the time when I can just be in God's presence.
Yet more and more I find myself unable to do that cos when I look forward to the weekends, I can't help but look at my jampacked weekends and even to the next week ahead, and I have to try not to feel tired already.
Being in RJ somehow dumps a whole truckload of expectations on you.
And I'm really just not too good at dealing with all of that.
Who doesn't want to be perfect?
There was a period of time I was into this perfectionist thing because I felt like I really couldn't measure up.
And frankly I just ended up being seriously uncontent with myself.
Cos, to put it simply, we're not perfect.
And we never will be.
The sooner we realise that in my opinion, the better off we'll be.
Let's think human, how about that.

I want to be able to do more for cell.
Yet all I somehow end up giving, even if I really feel that its all I've got to give,
just doesn't seem enough.
Just doesn't seem enough.
There are my own standards, and there are God's standards.
I've been measuring up against the wrong ones - mine.
Granted, I'm up to my neck with things to do.
Granted, I have the heart, if not sometimes the actions.
Granted, I don't feel like I'm getting much from those above.
but all that's not an excuse, to a fair extent.
God, I'll try.

Jesus said He is the light.
Light exposes.
God you see it all.
You see
every
single
thing.
And yet You love every part of me that hurts.
Your grace - undeserved but given.
Why does it seem like people always leave, or andrea will somehow make them leave?
God please give me Your peace.
I'm tired.
The burden You gave me is too much to carry right now.
It's 3 a.m. Physically, I'm not tired, but my soul is.
May I find rest in You.
I know I will.
My heart is dry but still I'm singing (:

in quietness
and trust.
3:01 AM

__________

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Last wed, I took 53 from school to airport and back again with david to send the taiwan people off.
And on the way back, it was pouring dogs rabits chimpanzees.
I remember listening to his ipod, staring at the passing scenes outside the window and watching the drops form rivulets and chasing each other down the window glass,
and I thought about how we never really appreciate shelter till we're in the storm.

"Heroes didn't leap tall buildings or stop bullets with an outstretched hand; they didn't wear boots and capes. They bled, and they bruised, and their superpowers were as simple as listening, or loving. Heores were ordinary people who knew that even if their own lives were impossibly knotted, they could untangle someone else's. And maybe that one act could lead someone to rescue your right back." - Jodi Picoult

I like that quote -small smile-

Anyway, get promoted, we must (:
No sweat obiquack.
Hang in there people.

Wan Ling and I - Pseudo muggers by RJ's standards

Oh yeah and a shout out to huiting (:

in quietness
and trust.
7:16 PM

__________

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

I'm functioning on semi-automatic.
It's the only way to get through this moment though.
Yup,
that's all.

in quietness
and trust.
12:56 AM

__________

Sunday, August 27, 2006

It's an inexplicable feeling you know - to just be at rest.
To not be chasing time.

in quietness
and trust.
12:10 AM

__________

Friday, August 25, 2006

I wish, I wish, for all of you to be happy.
For all that yall have done to make me sm:)e,
thank you.
Alexi says that birthdays are really times of thanksgiving.
Mmhm. How true.

Oh let's go back to the start

in quietness
and trust.
12:17 AM

__________

Thursday, August 24, 2006

I wish, I wish, for all of you to be happy.
For all that yall have done to make me sm:)e,
thank you.
Alexi says that birthdays are really times of thanksgiving.
Mmhm. How true.

Oh let's go back to the start

in quietness
and trust.
11:07 PM

__________

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Blog's been kinda wonky, but I think it should be working now.
Anyway, thank you abby&shaun for the surprise party for me, jan and sherron.
And of course, thank you all you people who came down, and those who couldn't make it as well;
for the guitar (like woahh) and the other presents.
Abby, Shaun, Ray, Aaron, Terence, Gerlaine, Dale, Jason, Johannes, Dew, Aly, Mel, Ade, Dorcas, Sulyn, Amanda, Eugenia, Suting, Ming
You people have really blessed my heart you know?
Not just today, but also by the friendship you people offered since day one.
From the bottom of my heart, thank You, and thank you (:
Cos I believe I can safely say that I've got true friends in a world that can get pretty superficial.
We might not be in contact often, or be very affecionate and expressive,
but hey, we know each other well enough to know that we've got each others backs covered (:
You know who you are~

-

It's 2am now.
The girl talk I had with abby and jan brought up some memories and issues that have been filed under the "to deal with" category.
Some things just have not been thrashed out, and that's not good I know.
The silence gets comfortable.
We wear it.
But just like wearing shoes 2 sizes too small, we can only take a few steps before we gotta admit that it hurts.
You deserve better, friend.
I've been away and I hope you understand, I still need time.

When one door closes another one opens.
It just takes some time to find it.
I pray that it's not gonna be one that I end up realising that it's just a painted door on the wall.
Please let me believe that "friends are friends forever if the Lord's the Lord of them".
Please, friend.

in quietness
and trust.
2:30 AM

__________

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The weeks' been intense.
And it's only just starting to heat up.
Preps for CIP trip are starting even before promos.
But it'll be cool.
Anyway xuans, going cambodia for comps? (: or what. So mysterious ah xuan haha.

-
Don't run in the night if you wanna sleep later in the night.
Listen to the gandhi man.
I ran at around 10+ at night and I couldn't sleep till 5+.
Too much oxygen flow to the brain. (Yes there is one)
And there were other reasons too.
But anyway I wanted to run to clear my thoughts. Wasn't all too successful there BUT
one thing that I learnt again is that when you're feeling like crap, keep going.
Keep going.
Especially up the killer hills.
Just keep going.
Even if you think it'd kill you, cos you know it wouldn't.
And what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

IMPOSSIBLE IS JUST A BIG WORD THROWN AROUND BY SMALL MEN WHO FIND IT EASIER TO LIVE IN THE WORLD THEY'VE BEEN GIVEN THAN TO EXPLORE THE POWER THEY HAVE TO CHANGE IT. IMPOSSIBLE IS NOT A FACT. IT'S AN OPINION. IMPOSSIBLE IS NOT A DECLARATION. IT'S A DARE. IMPOSSIBLE IS POTENTIAL. IMPOSSIBLE IS TEMPORARY.
IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING.

I was thinking about that quote for a while whilst running.
And as usual thoughts led to thoughts and I ended up wondering if sometimes doing things just to prove to yourself or others that you can do them, is really worth it.
I like challenges. But I don't wanna end up a perfectionist.
Cos it's like a total rat race.
And you're running,
dude you're like so running?
But you're never really getting anywhere cos you're never really happy with yourself.
Go figure.

ANYWAYS it's megalympics tmr.
It'd be cool. (:
Abrupt ending here, cos I'm really tired with about 1 hr of sleep.
Oh but Amanda Ong - you make me sm:)e and i'm here for you till the cows turn blue okays? You're so sweet and heyy you actually bothered to go beyond my dao surface. Please take good care of yourself and I hope we can go for our picnic after megalympics tmr cool? Cool (:

in quietness
and trust.
11:18 PM

__________

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Please tell me everything
That you think that I ought know
About all the plans you made
When I was no where to be found
And it's all right to pretend that we still talk
It's just for fun isn't it
It's my fault that it fell apart
Just maybe you need this
And I didn't mean to lead you on.

Hope it was a happy one.
:')

in quietness
and trust.
7:22 PM

__________

Monday, July 31, 2006

So I finally agreed to join the Christmas Comm.
And to sign up for the overseas CIP trip to Cambodia.
Eeks God help me, cos if not I'd be

d
r
o
w
n
i
n
g

in truckloads of work and commitments and I'll probably fall flat on my face or butt trying to balance everything. But hey "You hold my life in Your hands" so so so so so.

I'm in the safest hands ever possible.
Believe.

But oh well. I was from rg.
If anything, I learn to survive.
I just gotta really make good use of whatever time I have on my hands now.
EASIER SAID THAN DONE.

Anyway I heard that JC combined cell was really good huh.
Ting, I'm so glad to hear how God touched your heart (:
But anyway I wasn't there cos of NS area gathering.
And the jc people are a great bunch kays and I don't care what others think about them cos they're really cool and nice.
And I'll miss the J2s. I'm a bit wistful that I hardly ever get to spend time with them.
But no I don't ever regret choosing to stay to serve in sec sch zone.
I have gained so much from everything so far.
Far more than whatever little that I could give.
It's just a balance that I have to seek.
And I just think it's high time that I'm in that place once again.
Quoting ting,
God and I, alone.

in quietness
and trust.
12:51 AM

__________

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Almost everytime I read Newsweek or Times or whatever,
I can't help but think what a screwed up place the world is getting.
If only we can like. Start all over in outerspace or something.

Filched this off somewhere. It's pretty chunky but I thought that it's really meaningful.

The Paradox of Our Time

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less; we plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes, but lower morals; we have more food, but less appeasement; we build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill."

Yet oh, the insouciance on our part.
I remember a quote from the movie hotel rwanda on the outside world's attitudes towards the massacre -
"I think if people see this footage, they'll say Oh, my God, that's horrible. And then they'll go on eating their dinners."
These are just some thoughts anyway.
I hope I don't sound like I'm giving some diao world peace speech cos that's cliche and that's hypocritical cos peace is not something that magically appears when some long legged gorgeous female who probably spends enough money on hair and makeup to feed an entire village in dunno what country, stands on stage and claims to want to be a champion for world peace.
Yet I'm not saying that that's necessarily bad
cos you me he she it - we're all humans,
and hypocrites incidentally or otherwise at one time or the other, under the facades.
After all, there's only so much that we can do.
And furthermore come to think of it, at least whoever she is,
would be trying to do whatever she can huh.
Even if it's through standing there and looking pretty to raise awareness.
This world's really pretty confusing -
don't ask me how that works.

-

And with everything that's been swarming around,
they say only stupid people believe in God-
but really, only God believes in stupid people.

in quietness
and trust.
11:52 PM

__________

Friday, July 21, 2006

Several things reminded me once again how much I have to be thankful for (:
Just to list some down.

1) I can't remember when exactly, but aaron wong walked me from school to the mrt station during his break. It was a simple gesture that I really appreciated.

2) Dinner with xian and cheryl my dear girl friends

with an overflowing tub of Ben&Jerry's to top it off ;)

and haha yep, as xian says it,

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

And it was really kinda sweet when we said grace together (:

3) I went running today. I felt rusty, but the feeling still feels good.

4) Oh and it was nicol ong's sweet 16th birthday on monday - hope you enjoyed your day nic! (:(: thanks for being such a joy.

5) I got to know a few people better over the past week. Pretty meaningful.

6) School was as usual but the people really make all the difference. If it wasn't for them, I'd consider quitting JC, taking SATS directly and going straight on to uni. Hmm. Maybe la haha. Cos I'm not really in any hurry to grow up either.

Ah okay all in all let's just make lemonades together gether when life hands us lemons.

You squeeze mine I'll squeeze yours.

Haha okay fine, lame.

Rah haha okay turra-

Thank You

in quietness
and trust.
9:13 PM

__________

We're being increasingly driven by fear. And I'm just sitting, and observing.

in quietness
and trust.
1:51 AM

__________

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Looking back, I think I haven't been running about in circles.
Ellipses maybe.
But at least I'm gaining a bit of ground.

Revisiting memories, mustering courage from the recesses of my heart to move on, the hecticness of juggling all the commitments and yada yada..
And all that running has made me..
tired.
The kinda tiredness you'd feel at the point where you don't wanna run back, nor forth,
but just to stay.
"Sometimes I think of letting go, and never looking back;
And never moving forward so there'll never be a past."

I'm really sorry, I'm only human.
Yet thank You God, for seeing the heart -
in all it's fragility and imperfectness
and still choosing to call me Yours forever.
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me :")

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."
Thank you for that amanda (:
How I thank God for friends like you.

And now as I end this entry,
I suddenly realised that the reason I can't seem to walk on,
is because I'm stuck in this rut.
Silly me.
It's time to ask God to carry me out,
not to walk on when it's impossible.

in quietness
and trust.
10:39 PM

__________

Friday, July 14, 2006

From the movie Closer:

Dan: Everybody wants to be happy.
Larry: Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.

How true.

Other quotes..
- You don't know the first thing about love, because you don't understand compromise.
- Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words.
- You think love is simple. You think the heart is like a diagram.
- Have you ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist, wrapped in blood!

So much biggy about matters of the heart.
But really,
if nobody loves you,
you're better off dead aren't you.

-

CHMA tomorrow,
and the weekend will be here soon.
And yes I should chase me off to sleep,
like now (:
Oh yes. And a -hug- for jan (:(:

in quietness
and trust.
12:31 AM

__________

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

In the light of the sun, is there anyone?
Oh it has begun
Oh dear you look so lost,
Eyes are red and tears are shed.
This world you must've crossed

You said
You don't know me, you don't even care
She said
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains

Hey God, I'm think I'm caught in a cul de sac
and getting out is so simple I know.
But my legs just aren't walking me out.

She said I think I'll go to Boston
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California,
I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice
Boston, where no one knows my name.

I'm counting down to the hols to catch a plane ride out of here.
To somewhere, out there.
I need a break.
And no it's not escapism.
Shut up, it's not.
This is my battle to fight.
Cos I'm fighting me.

Ah. Negate this whole entry.
I really should get a private blog.
Happier stuff next entry I promise.
After all there really are a lot of things to be grateful for -
It's just one of those moments now I guess.

in quietness
and trust.
12:35 AM

__________

Saturday, July 08, 2006

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

-U2

A part of me really wants

to try

to bridge the gap.

in quietness
and trust.
11:39 PM

__________

Monday, July 03, 2006

Had a chance to join the RJ cell peeps today for a time of intercell games with NorthEast cell.
Good company, fun time, and a chance to work out (albeit not much) -
I'm feeling pretty good.
Celebrated Eric's birthday too (:
Part 2 comes tomorrow.

Anyways, check out one of the highlights of today -
SHOWDOWN between

Terence from RJ and Daniel from SAJC in "Who's Taller", with Aaron and Ray as judge cos you know you know their view from way up there would be much more accurate.

And on one side with have Daniao styling his hair. We wonder why..

And the two of them face off! Looks real tricky here ohmeohmy.

And the verdict is..

Haha aiya the same la.

-

Anyhow, I somehow feel kinda uncertain when I spend time on a personal level with new people I meet.
At the back of my mind would be thoughts that chances are,
those people would already have their own set of close friends,
and that I'd never really be close enough
to warrant that kind of closeness and confidence from them.
But yet I've learnt that that isn't always the case.
People like nicol, amanda, carissa and a select few others have made me realise so (:
And while we're not thaat close all the time,
we're cool.
And I know I've got other friends still whom I know I can count on.
Jan - about what you blogged about, likewise it is for me to you. Take care my girl.

Fair weather friends all come and go.
But gee, some of them sure did leave a mark in my life.
I guess another class of people whom I feel uncertain about spending time with
are those from the past.
In some cases there's just too much.. I don't know.
Guilt mixed with a little rancidness of yesterdays or yesteryears?
That just makes it difficult to press the call button on your handphone screen
and pick up the conversations left off that many nights ago.

Tough. But by God's grace, we can let go of the baggages.
I'm still getting there though,
one baby step at a time -small brave smile-

Alrights man. Eric's birthday celebrations Part II tomorrow + class outing at sentosa.
I'm off.
Take care all~

in quietness
and trust.
12:42 AM

__________

Friday, June 30, 2006

I've got to be honest,

I think you know,

We're covered in lies and thats okay,

But there's somewhere beyond this,

I know, but I hope I can find the words to say

------------------------------

I really like vertical horizon.
ANYWAY okay yay CTs are finally over-
I don't really feel all that much, just kinda mentally seh.
Just feels good to be able to take a break now.
Towned and caught Scary Movie 4 with classmates after math.
The movie was like, quite diao la in my opinion.

Anyway I was at Shop&Save near my house and they were just playing lots and lots of emo songs and the voice of Nic Cester from Jet especially was really in my head.
I had to shake myself out of it.

-

I realised how much I could push aside when I was studying.
Not that that might be a good thing, but yeah.
I don't know why I blog. This is utterly silly.
Initially I thought the point of this blog was to be cathartic.
Now well.
Frankly, whatever.

I'm feeling kinda off? >:(
Nothing that 1o hours of sleep wouldn't cure though I believe.

So goodnight world (:
I'm gonna shut you out
to wake up to a gray sky morning tomorrow.

in quietness
and trust.
12:05 AM

__________

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

I think everyone's got a breaking point
and I've reached mine some time back.
Believe me, I don't have anything against being saccharine sweet and all that.
That's okay, and that's good in fact.
I wouldn't mind learning.
After all I've been told that I'm just too unemo and unexpressive at times.
I just wish I didn't know as much as I did about you.
Then we could all go on living in ignorance,
cos at the end of the day
I think there comes a point where we really do not need to know so much.
I do not want to think of you as a hypocrite,
cos I believe at some time through some circumstances we all are,
including yours truly.
And it's not fair for me to believe of you that way.

-

And nicol makes me happy. That girl's so happy it makes even me smiley.
2 more days,
and I'm a free bird.
Watch this space.

in quietness
and trust.
12:39 PM

__________

Friday, June 23, 2006

When will my best be enough?

This is gonna be pensive. (Edit: The phase is lifting off soon though - so maybe there'd be more light-hearted stuff like more Johannes ~~Ong~~ Tan features LOL. We'll see. /Edit)

I remember the hockey girls' reactions when sir said he was not gonna be coaching us anymore.
It was a really poignant moment to be sure.
Then I wondered-
what would my girls' reactions be when the day comes that I step down from leading rg cell?
How much difference in their lives did I allow God to make through me?

If I tried my imperfect best -
if I gave my imperfect heart -
if I sowed my imperfect soul -
just how much is enough?
Is there even such thing as enough,
knowing that there'll always be an extra mile that I could have gone?

Questions, questions.

"Yet recognise at the end of the day that those burdens belong to God, not you",
that's what Pastor Gerald said.
And after a bit more thinking I've come 2 few conclusions.
One, I'll never be able to do enough for God, in comparison to what He has done for me, so no there's no such thing as enough.
That's not the point.
The point is grace.
Not deserved, yet given.
Two, I don't have to be God silly me (not like I can anyway right cheh)
Simple truths I know,
but yeah. Just a different perspective again.

For now, I'll try to scrape the whole notion of enoughness.
I want to enjoy this race - and to just keep doing as much as I am able to as I go along.
God's more than big enough to embrace me with all my imperfections after all.

I can't pretend that all's flowers and cotton candy in my little bubble world.
That's escapism and that's highly tempting at times but that just doesn't work.
So I kneel in prayer today that I may stand again tomorrow.

Cause I have felt the cold rain

Run down my face

I’ve seen the sun rise up

As the night turns to day

in quietness
and trust.
1:46 AM

__________

Sunday, June 18, 2006

I never feel more like I can hear myself
than when it's dead at night (or rather, morning)
and it's so quiet.
I'm always thinking and thinking,
my thoughts tumbling, spilling over one another in a rush,
some dissipating even before I could capture it.
Yet it can get really annoying cos sometimes, I really wanna (and need to) sleep!
Like especially when it's about 4 am in the morning?
LOL -shakes head-

I believe all of us grew up wanting to be special, and do do special things.
We all have our dreams - personal, family, studies, ministry..
But along the way people and circumstances well,
some of them, they stepped on our dreams.
Others didn't leave without grinding our dreams into the ground with their shoes.
The rest just walked away with our dreams in their hands.
Total ouch.
And extra ouch because most of the times, those people didn't mean to do all that.
Some would even be those that love, or loved us before.

I remember dreams from my yesterdays and yesteryears
both the big and not so big.
Suffice to say that life is practical.
Some get nicked in the bud, others get burst along the way.
Well some eventually do get realised.
A loss of a good friendship recently got me cryingly thinking -
Damn, what now?

Letting go and moving on has always been two of my biggest challenges.
But can I just share something close to my heart, that is more easily said than grasped, that God has taught me again.
When we're faced with circumstances - all the big and small ones,
we have a CHOICE.
Sometimes because of the way we look back in our lives and see the self destructive patterns,
we forget that though it's a pattern, we can change it.
The recent heartblow got me thinking like oh man I'm sure that this would get my relationship with God really down because I'd be full of whys why God did this and that have to happen yada yada yada.
But then God spoke to my heart that it's really about CHOICE.
I made the choice, albeit rather uncertainly, to rise above the particular circumstance,
that yes though in my position I've been hurt yada yada,
and I've got my weaknesses in my Christian walk,
I can still choose to say and act that -
hey man you can treat me like shit (pardon the coarseness), but I'll still love you because God loves me!
MUCH easier said than done,
and I'm not there yet,
totally imperfect as I am,

but hey, I'm getting there.

It's so much easier for me to get all hardhearted
or for anyone else for that matter.
But I'm gonna try as much as possible to snap out of all of it,
because after all at the end of the day,
the person that I have to live with,

is me.

Thank You God, for everything (:
And also for people like amanda ong that sweet little girl and abby and others along the way.
Prayers sure do work.

in quietness
and trust.
12:52 AM

__________

Friday, June 16, 2006

Hello hello.
Next time you're gonna get dunked into the big blue,
I hope these 5 steps that you can learn from NS area's very own dear Johannes Ong will help.

Step 1: When identified, try to struggle for a while.

Step 2: Upon realising that you have no chance of escape, plead kindly that the dunkers help you take off your shoes and whatever water-perishables you might have on you.

Step 3: Just smile along.

Step 4: Learn that any last minute struggles would still be thwarted because back up will come. Eagerly.

Lastly,

Step 5: Whee. Have fun

Anyway, it was kinda cool.
We played captain's ball with some unidentified flying object.

No la. We knew what it was -

Brocoli. We were supposed to use cabbage, but it sort of disappeared lol.
As in really. But I'm very sure I didn't shred it jason.

Ah okay enough. Pics from GDOP and NSarea outing are finally up -
share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AatGTNs5ZsmLig

in quietness
and trust.
12:31 AM

__________

Monday, June 12, 2006

http://artpad.art.com/gallery/?j0pgyx9ubms

Be still and know I am God.
I'm trying.. (':

in quietness
and trust.
1:16 AM

__________

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Man I slept almost the whole day away.
Didn't wanna be the partypooper to spread the ~~love~~ germs around during the hols so I didn't go for service.
And yet even after all that sleep I still felt so weak just showering and doing some math questions.
The feeling is horrible. I have no appetite but I made myself eat anyway to keep my strength up >:)
Rahh.
Hohumpigsbums.
Cherricherriromjampas.

Oh and hi mel. Seriously long time no talk. Time flies huh -sad smile- But anyway no matter how far we've drifted over the years I pray that you're still going strong in God ya. -hugs- you take good care of yourself over there k, and we'll catch up again in God's time =D
Suejen ah.. haha you're just so sweet and motherly/sisterly I think your dog has a really good life man lol. But really, thanks so much for just being you ya. I'm looking forward to getting to know the bunch of you girls better man. And by God's grace we'll run the race of faith together (: -hugs-

Okay my super potent medicine is starting to take its toll on me again.
But before I go sleep, here's the pic for my fellow rjgirls @ GDOP.

in quietness
and trust.
12:42 AM

__________

Friday, June 09, 2006

The past few days have been a journey.

I can't find the words to describe how God moved.

But I pray my lifesong will show just how He did.

Will post GDOP pictures soon (:

in quietness
and trust.
12:12 AM

__________

Monday, June 05, 2006

Will be off for camp from the 5th to the 7th. I'd still be contactable by phone for anything important though, so yeah. Take care all (:

in quietness
and trust.
12:51 AM

__________

Like Saturday night I'll be, gone before you knew that I was there

in quietness
and trust.
12:33 AM

__________

Friday, June 02, 2006

We had hockey farewell yesterday and it was like yay fun.
I've got lots of pics but I don't think I'll put them up here.
Or maybe just a few..

This is our wonderful J2 batch plus 1 maznah at the bottom.

Just before they got egged. After that they ran away too fast for any pics lol. Physical training was observed to be put to good use.

Andrea&Gerry says hi to Jason&Jiawei

Hello Jason beer butt chicken

Hockey girls and famous products from 7-11 haha

All in all it was a good time - Paul Twohill and Jonathan better get in for Singapore Idol...........

rahh. hahaha.

and thanks christine for being such an awesome host (:

oh oh and

I kissed Jac and...

Jac kissed me and it made my day. Have fun in America you senior (:

in quietness
and trust.
12:51 AM

__________

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

I don't know what to do..
- God, please take the wheel.

Sometimes silence says more than words

in quietness
and trust.
11:51 PM

__________

Monday, May 29, 2006

in quietness
and trust.
12:40 AM

__________

Friday, May 26, 2006

one more day (:

in quietness
and trust.
12:36 AM

__________

Monday, May 22, 2006

A thousand times I've failed

Still Your mercy remains

And should I stumble again

I'm caught in Your grace

Everlasting

Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending

Your glory goes beyond all fame

Oh my. Go check out a song my cell member wrote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiEo3XxF6Xc
and the accompanying lyrics here
http://www.xenophobic-cognition.blogspot.com/
Man.. it really humbles me to see how God works in amazing ways la.
You've come a long way vic, and I believe God has even more in store amen (: -hugs-

The three horrors of modern life - talk without meaning, desire without love, work without satisfaction. Speed kills colour - the gyroscope, when turnhing at full speed, shows up gray.. And well I was just thinking about all that and I came to the conlcusion that well, I for one think that I need to slow down. I want to enjoy life, and all the blessings that are given. I want to really be able to say that I enjoy the academic learning process. I want to go running. I want to play the piano, something that I haven't done in ages.. yada yada yada.. and I want to sleep at night believing and trusting that it's okay even if I still have work undone.

Life's a balance, let God be the pivot.
I'm trying yeah.
JC can really make me feel like I'm caught in a whirlwind,
or that I'm stuck in a spiral of academic achievement, where the only way is up.
And it gets tiring.
But yet the beauty of grace is that God's hands are always held out, isn't it?

Oh and hello Zhengxin. Dispatch duty soon? Lol.

Ah, goodnight all.
Hols tmr, and it's hockey 3rd/4th placing match at delta.
Go girls!! (:(:
Then there's GP common test on wed after that,
which David and Eric insist that there's no point in preparing for
cos apparently it's a given fail.
Hmmsh.
I'll think abaritz (about it).
Hockey lingo. Ah and on random thought, I'd really miss the seniors sial.
Nvm, let's make the best of the time that's left.

in quietness
and trust.
10:40 PM

__________

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

I always feel particularly inept at comforting people aiye.
I always end up feeling tongue-tied and whatever I say feels cliche and I don't know if people are thinking like 'hey man you didn't play so you wouldn't know how it feels', but I'll take my chances.
But anyhows RJ HOCKEY you guys did really really well and and like seriously you guys fought so valiantly on the pitch and my heart was all out with you girls. And I'm sure we all came out of this together a stronger and more bonded team and man words can't really describe all the great memories huh. One more match, let's go out there and whack some balls and enjoy ourselves as sir said. And yes rjhockey - we fit together (:(:

in quietness
and trust.
11:41 PM

__________

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

'Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten.

in quietness
and trust.
12:02 AM

__________

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I was looking through my old folders and I found pictures that we took at the void deck during the time we were working at the flour factory and I wish I could go back to then I wish there wasn't school I wish there wasn't this strange detachment I wish I could feel as close as I did to God like I was then.

I wish it were the holidays again and I was back working at the flour factory, working OT on some days to earn extra money to buy Christmas presents. And I remember that we always somehow ended up drinking milo peng and western food. And I remember the trips to east coast park where we just sat and talked and talked and talked till morning but now I've forgotten the sound of the slip-slap waves and the smell of the night sea air.

I remember that it was during then that I learnt so much about life. About how different we can be, but yet how similar. Marc taught me about values, about the difficulties that nobody saw that the guy who was hiding behind the shadow of his cap was going through, about friendships, and really about what really matters in life. And while he might not be the most hyped up guy around in church, hey come on. He's been bringing his friends to church. Regularly, as Shawn pointed out. And he's more often that not, early for service, as Alexi pointed out. And I really respect him loads for all that and more.

And I know he wouldn't see this but anyway here's to you polarbear

Such a dao/cool pose right right right. Haha..
But anyway it might sound really cliche but this guy was really a friend and he taught me how to be one too.
And don't get scared by his coolness cos people like them, in the words of Atticus Finch, 'are nice when you really get to know them'.

(:

To all my other friends, you all know who you are. We all know JC's like super busy and all but I thought this quote just about sums it all -

“True friendship is when two friends can walk in opposite directions, yet remain side by side.”

take care all (:

in quietness
and trust.
11:53 PM

__________

Monday, May 08, 2006

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

ho hum pig's bum i think i managed to figure out how to deal with the popup problems.
so that's another one to chalk up to me against the ever present traps and snares of modern technology.
HA.

replying tags:
@jamie: keep going jie (:
@huiting: make for me leh. haha isn't that what friends do. help each other make lemonades out of their lemons.
@jan: updated! you update yours too k? haha.
@gen: i figured how to deal with it too! haha finally.
@vanessa: good point! haha (:
@syen: you're the only one who still calls me that -smile- haha thanks syen. keep going strong for God k? i'm here as a friend still, don't forget (:

anyways. i was reading something at the back of one of the classrooms today. it was some reserach presentation abt i don't know what subject (history? KI? -shrugs- who knows.) and one thing that caught my eye was this thing that this dude came up with. something about how science and the arts are causing the downfall of mankind, because science creates the false need for luxuries, while the arts places the limelight on scouted talents, and both neglect the importance of human relationships, apparently the only thing around that well, truly makes us human.

kinda made me go all hmmm for a while, well at least till the lunch bell rang haha..

how have i been? fine i'd say. yet "fine" is such a subjective word.
we learn to walk on don't we?
so let's walk on.
nostalgia's not something good to dwell too long in.
it leads to longing, to regret, to shame, to doubting the future, and opening the wounds of the past.
so yes, let's not go there.
let's walk on.
"but one thing i do: letting go of what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." phillipians 3:13-14
i'm trying.
let's walk on.
Daddy's got your hand now.

anyway just something to laugh at, cos laughing's good.
trust me, cos i get my daily dose in class everyday (:
even though more often than not it's at my own expense lol.
looky.

(:(:(: ggxx.

And I feel just like

I'm living someone elses life

It's like I just stepped outside

When everything was going right

And I know just why you could not

Come along with me

This was not your dream

But you always believed in me

in quietness
and trust.
10:14 PM

__________

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

i'll be changing blog soon cos i can't see my own blog cos like whenever the page loads some popup screem will well popup and then when whatever i click next will cause another screen about internet explorer dunno what failed to dunno what to pop up and no matter what i click the whole window will close so ya unless some kind soul will tell me how to fix this problem without tagging but telling me in some other mode cos i can't even go to my page i'd have to change blog.

anyways highlights of the weekend.
saturday: discovered that jeanette used to go to expressions. ggxx.
sunday: jason luo ordered a double shot at starbucks.
monday: shaun more-than-half-treated a bunch of us to lunch at pasta cafe at taka.
supposed to go to crystal jade but the queue was too horrendously long.
anyhows thanks for the treat shaun! (:

and i should go. sleep. physics lecture test tmr and math lecture test on wed.
OWNAGE!!!
not.

before i go.
here's a pickup line, courtesy of geraldine kong -
"is your father a thief? cos he must have stolen the stars in the sky and put them in your eyes"

in quietness
and trust.
12:09 AM

__________

Sunday, April 16, 2006

replying tags first - a bit belated i know but heh..

daryl - hello! haha how did you find my blog out? anyways next time got chance must share more about -cough- stuff okays hahaha.
nicol - i miss nicol ong too. haha girl take good care of yourself while studying hard alrights?
mes - (: 408 days! hahaha. continue to shine for God the way you do mes~
ting - i still read your blog faithfully babe haha. anyway i'm glad God spoke to you about the whole feeling-like-you're-waiting-and-praying in vain thing. "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight - proverbs 3:5-6" we're all in this together yeah? i'm still learning too. am here anytime if you need me (:
gen - haha great acting at easter event! maybe we can catch up more next time about what you mentioned in your sms k?
xiang - man it's been a long time huh. hope you're doing good too girl (:

anyways easter weekend was great. i sort of like "fell in love" all over again with my God. when shawn was acting out as Jesus carrying the cross i was really touched. i'm not good with words, but over the past few months through different trials and tribulations i can honestly say that my faith has been tried and tested and sometimes i stumble and sometimes i can barely hold my head up high cos sometimes i feel so ashamed and other times i feel just so tired but the amazing thing is that God has never failed to show me His love each and every single time even when i let myself be so blinded by cirucmstances.

life is hardly ever smooth sailing. but i've learnt that when life hands you lemons, just make lemonades (: and here're some people who make the lemons just that bit easier to squeeze.

07So6L..

rjhockey

Church people..

and ex 408 peeps like lim xian hui.

and a lot more other people out there even though we haven't always been in close contact k or either that i just don't have your picture lol. yups i'm sure you guys know who you are. thanks for everything and happy easter (:

in quietness
and trust.
9:32 PM

__________

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

(:(:(:

Koped this from gerry's blog when I went blog hopping around.
It was hilarious man. It started with I think me and mus wanting to pose for gerry's cam.
Then suddenly everyone chionged in and while we were arranging ourselves due to our -cough- great variations in some of our heights,
we accidentally TAU POKED.
LOL.
It was so candid, and now looking at the picture, so heartwarming.
Even though it's like sometimes I'm like so weary by the end of a 4 or 5 o'clock day before training,
or when I get frustrated or disappointed with myself during training,
it's really the people that keep me going.

//
I remember in the past I used to I don't know.. comfort? myself with the thought "oh well sh*t happens" whenever something blearggh-ish happened. It's coming back to me again now. I need to stop comparing cos I know life's just unfair cos that's just the beauty of grace but sometimes it gets really tough when everything's just falling down around you and you don't understand why you are who you are where you are when you are just so blinded by everything that's just surrounding you all the feelings that your heart can't seem to stop beating and what makes it even worse is that you know that you aren't approaching matters in the best way AND you know that things really aren't thaaaaat extremely bad and there are always things to be grateful and thankful for and there are probably a hundred and one million people out there who are suffering and are much worse off than you but you can't seem to make youself rise above those circumstances and again you know, you know that God's there and everything but yet but yet but just yet you know that it's just a season in your life that you're just gonna be feeling just the way you are.

Are we happy plastic people/Under shiny plastic steeples/With walls around our weakness/And smiles to hide our pain/But if the invitation's open/To every heart that has been broken/Maybe then we close the curtain/On our stained glass masquerade

in quietness
and trust.
11:43 PM

__________

Sunday, March 26, 2006

"This city's made us crazy and we must get out. - Maroon 5"

in quietness
and trust.
10:50 PM

__________

Saturday, March 25, 2006

updates updates (:
cooked dinner with big shaun for cell+some members of area band on friday night.
it was fun, and no there weren't any cases of food poisoning.
-pats own back-
HA.

got home quite late though. about 12-ish.
was kinda difficult to wake up this morning to go for training.
training as usual was fun in it's own sense,
but there's lots and lots of room for improvement still for me lol.
well we've always gotta keep striving rights.
yups then anyway rushed home to wash up, then headed down to cousin's house for his son's first month old celebrations.
i'm like an aunty! >.<
but anyway, pity i didn't bring my cam to take pics.
and after that, went down to church for service.
and and and...
because i already had rg cell on fri,
i was free to join rj cell after service (:
for like.. the second time this year.
or was it third. i can't remember.
but yeah. i think it's good that i get to join them once in a while.
i need the influence of my school peers and the slightly older ones.
as well as the leaders of course.
mmhm.

and now i'm back home. tired out from a long week.
wah. okay goodnight.
rather pointless entry i know, just for the sake of blogging.
lol.. -out.

in quietness
and trust.
11:11 PM

__________

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

I get really encouraged whenever i read mel's or ting's blog entries about their relationship with God. Not only does it spur me on in my own personal relationship with God, but it also serves to remind me how real God is. I still remember how I was quite surprised when ting accepted Christ at synergiz last year. How she said she was quite uncertain of her decision cos she didn't know if it was cos of peer pressure or other reasons. And I still remember how I was again surprised when I heard mel went for CHC service and was touched by the message.

Look how far you two have come (:
Look how far we've all come.
And how much more we've still got to go.
It's a tough road, but let's keep running the good race of faith..
Cheers man (:
oh and ting, abby, jan, anyone thinking of going for missions?

Broken I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know
Your touch restores my life
So I'll wait for You
So I'll wait for You

in quietness
and trust.
11:59 PM

__________

Friday, March 17, 2006

Someplace sweeter, someplace better, someplace far away from us

in quietness
and trust.
1:44 AM

__________

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

nic nic nic..
i think i've got training this sat, so i don't know if i can make it for your funfair ):
i'm so sorry girl.
i'd let you know immediately if plans change okays?

and i don't think xian comes here much anymore.
but what i wanted to say is it felt so good to catch up with a friend who actually listened to me before judging anything about the talentime performance.
small thing, but it was sweet (:
someone i can be silly with and talk girl talk.
someone i can talk to about God and the christian walk too.
xian, you rock, and i miss our old sitting arrangements also =X
but take good care of yourself k.
thanks for everything girl - past, present, future.

to everyone else - take care okay? let's enjoy the hols when it comes.
i'm looking foward to some movies and lanning and whatever not.
but most importantly catching up with people.
alrightys.
econs mcq test tmr, and PW PI.
hmmsh. actually not really that.
i gotta go eat dinner.
food food.

in quietness
and trust.
8:31 PM

__________

Monday, February 27, 2006

oh man i just watched the taiwan mission trip videos and am feeling so joyfully nostalgic now.

how i made david apologise to me for pulling out the long 'hair' on my arm. the constant "yeahs!" and eugenia's and suting's nonstop zi4 kua1 =D the fun with the video camera. the way we teased joachim abt mimi. the way we had our long walks to and our debriefs at the house we stayed in. how we had our devotion times in the mornings at the little room at dayspring church. the children worship songs. the hearts mime where we sweated under the sun for, and which God used for His own glory by bringing people to the evanglistic event. the other mime which we kept practicing and practicing and practicing for (it took up so much space on the tape). the sherron dance. 'hear us from heaven'. the last night where we stayed up the whole night. bubble tea. taiwan cup noodles. all the other good food..

the way we so prayed.
the way PJ/Joa Chim preached.
the way the taiwan people responded.
the way our own lives were so greatly touched in the end (:(:

haha don't you think PJ looks like an apparition.

but anyway, thank You God truly, for Your love knows no boundaries nor barriers (:

in quietness
and trust.
11:49 PM

__________

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Aww man so many of my friends and classmates are falling sick and getting really tired so much so that they're sleeping so much earlier than usual.
To all you people, please take care of your health okays?

Met up with Alexi in the evening for a short while to pass him his present and to catch up.
He never reads blogs but once again happy 17th birthday Alexi (:(:

Got home, ate, did GP and Econs.
And I'm tired now. So I'll take my own advice and go and sleep.
Random, rather pointless entry. I often blog it seems, just for the sake of blogging. To keep in touch with my friends. But anyhows it can serve as a form of general accountability to people like Abby and Shaun too I guess.
Alrights I'm off. Take care all (:

Cell ministry. It's a high calling. That's what Alexi reminded me today.
Cell ministry. I'm calling. That's what God reminded me later too.

in quietness
and trust.
12:37 AM

__________

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I received a msg yesterday that read "charles here. this is my new number"
Then I replied "hey sorry. which charles are you?"
And got the reply "hairy".
LOL.
It was a very short exchange, but it really did make me smile and laugh (:
Doubt you still come here anymore charles, but just wanna let you know that i'm still here for you as a friend yeah?

Anyway more things have been happening behind the scenes then I'd care to share.
And I really need to seek and find that real sense of direction from God.
I not only need to know that I believe, I need to believe that I believe as well.
And I'm thinking-
God, why am I sometimes so cold to some, yet so warm to others without any good reason?
God, why is communication seriously the most difficult thing it seems I have to do?
God, why don't I feel like the stains of my past have really been washed off?
God..? You're there right?

Dale - I'm sorry. I've always been a mess in some areas of my life that I don't wanna bring into your life.
Shaun - I'm sorry too. I haven't been much of a friend I know. But truly, I appreciate all the things you've done for me. Lending me money, the countless rides home, the times you helped me with my crazy comp, the mentoring sessions and encouraging gifts.. thanks Shaun (:
cell - Please run with me. I really can't do this on my own.
my family - I'm sorry I can't be perfect.

And.. God - "I'll praise You in this storm/And I will lift my hands/For You are who You are/No matter where I am"

Thank You. While words.. they really fail me now, I know You understand still. Guide me through all this please.

in quietness
and trust.
12:17 AM

__________

Saturday, January 28, 2006

“You don't need to see the way if you follow the one that is the Way.”
— Author Unknown

Woah man. Such a direct and straightfoward quote. Brings to my mind the verse from Psalms 3:5 - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". And I guess I'm one of the few people amongst my friends who does not know what direction to go after the As.

Medicine? Law? Business? Social Sciences? Journalism? Psychology? So many paths - who knows? I don't.

Yet, God does (: and as Pastor Joyce likes to say, and that settles that.

“Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.”
— Brooks Atkinson

That's just another area of my life that I've always been knowingly and also unknowingly struggling with. Letting go. It's never that easy. Past hurts, loss, memories, burdens, worries, fears, insecurities - they sometimes resurface at different junctures of my life. Taunting, teasing, and at times, tearing me apart. But to thank God that it can all go - that was something that never really occured to me in such a light before. So yeah.

Anyway, Happy CNY to all yeah haha. I for one am looking forward to catching up with my numerous cousins, hong baos, great dinners, gambling.. and the list goes on. Well I'm not really thaaat excited, but oh well. It's the festive mood, so I might as well try and get into it and make it as fun as I allow it to be.

in quietness
and trust.
11:17 PM

__________

Friday, January 27, 2006

Hello, good morning, how You do?
What makes Your risin' sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new

So this is a way, that I say I need You
This is a way
This is a way

That I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how You been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

in quietness
and trust.
10:35 PM

__________

Saturday, January 21, 2006

today in church, there was this boy who came 3/4 way through during the service.
he was soaked to the skin,
and his shoes making squelching sounds as he made his way to a seat a few rows ahead of me.
and he was carrying a bicycle helmet in his hands too.
i inferred from all that that the boy cycled to church in the rain,
despite most probably knowing that he was already late.

but still he came.

and oh God, how i want to be even more like that boy.
that i won't care about what others will say or think about me.
that it doesn't matter how long or how short, but i just wanna be in Your presence.
"better is one day in Your courts, than a thousand elsewhere".
how true..
and God, i need the discipline
to get on my knees and pray for myself and the people you've placed around me.
i've been scared, i'm just so inperfect,
but i know that You're holding my hand
and You hear my prayers.

thank You.

Here I Go Again - Casting Crowns

Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
And know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away

So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?

'Cause here I go again
Talkin' bout the rain
And mulling over things that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him that
You love him
But here I go again,
Here I go again

Lord, You love him so, You gave Your only Son
If he will just believe; he will never die
But how then will he know what he has never heard
Lord he has never seen mirrored in my life

So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?

This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him
You love him, You love him
What Am I so afraid
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid of?
How then will he know
What he has never heard

in quietness
and trust.
11:12 PM

__________

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

listened to bits of joyce meyer's sermon tape today in shaun's car,
and was really blesesd by whatever bits i caught (:
haha. i guess there are just times when we really need people to give us a good spiritual, mental and emotional shake.
mmhmm.

you know, the bible truly holds so much truth.
even though it's probably like one of the oldest and ancient-est book around,
it holds so much truth in it still even in our postmodern 21st century society.
yeahh.

What if the armies of the Lord
Picked up and dusted off their swords
Vowed to set the captives free
And not let satan have one more.
-casting crown
[what if His people prayed]

it's really time to pick myself up, dust the dirt off
and focus on continuing running a good race of faith once again (:

in quietness
and trust.
11:14 PM

__________

there are times when i've never felt more human and small
when i just simply look down at my hands,
beyond the etched lines and scars,
and to what my hands represent.

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes

and burying my face in my hands,
i close my eyes and take a deep breath.

Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Don't be scared (don't be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm

i don't exactly know what i'm feeling now.
on second thought actually i do.
i just don't trust this place enough to spill.
i guess that's what happens when people talk more than they listen.
critique more than they support.
chide more than they accept.
et cetera, et cetera.
not that i don't do any of the formers.
but yeah.

let go, let God.

in quietness
and trust.
12:13 AM

__________

Monday, January 09, 2006

in quietness
and trust.
11:36 PM

__________

Sunday, January 08, 2006

i just realised that it's a holiday this tues -grin grin-

and a thought suddenly occured to me today-
will the internet ever run out of cyber space?
hmms.
pointless entry i know.
-drums fingers on keyboard-

in quietness
and trust.
10:32 PM

__________

Thursday, January 05, 2006

i was never really good at adapting to change.
but i guess it's so true that, quoting jan,
"anything is only as fun and meaningful as you make it to be".
initially i was really sianned diao by the thought of orientation.
the feeling of newbie-ness.
and foreign-ness.
and now as i'm into last day of orientation tmr,
(it's been quite fun reading others' blogs abt how they found orientation so far)
i guess personally, i'm caught in between a transition period
of who i was,
who i am,
and who i am going to be.
and it's all blurred into one another so much so that i don't really know where i'm at sometimes.
but orientation's been really quite great.
my OGLs lezlie and joan are really funny and nice.
and having aaron in my OG really helped me to open up and have fun.
he's my ex-cell member turned cell member again in RJ.
i'm thinking that a lot of people probably think that there's something on between me and him.
what with all the spastic things we had to do sial LOL.
-shakes head- haha but man.
disclaimer: no. please.
we're just good friends.
hrmms. oh wells. people will think what they will haha.
but... well.
as long as i know i'm right with God in this aspect, i should be fine.
and i truly thank Him for that, especially in this period where the word 'change' just hits home so hard.

orientation's gonna be over soon and man.
lectures and tutorials are gonna come next.
hahaha. oh wells.
we'll see how it goes. gonna have to remember that
anything is only as fun and meaningful as you make it to be.
ohwell. to all my friends, esp my close ones, you know who you are (:
take care, and God bless.
grin grin. out-.

in quietness
and trust.
11:29 PM

__________

Saturday, December 31, 2005

it's gonna be 06 soon (:
and hi aaron wong wei shen (i think), fellow OG mate lolx.
jason - whoa mama back. be a good boy.

man so many things have happened in a space of a few days,
but i thank God for being my rock at times when well i just wanna freak out and let it go.
-pause-
on another note,
next year's gonna be a challenging one.
different commitments to handle and having to settle down in the midst of swarming changes would probably just about take as much as i can give.
hmm. jc.
rjc.

it's gonna be interesting watching how people change, including myself.

well till the next time i blog, happy new year all (:
God bless~

in quietness
and trust.
12:47 AM

__________

Friday, December 23, 2005

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

in quietness
and trust.
12:54 AM

__________

Sunday, December 18, 2005

went ice skating on friday with a whole bunch of church people.
i'm not the most graceful person around i'd admit,
but i only fell a bit haha.
all hail gandhi lol.

but one thing that struck me was how i loved the way i felt when i was skating alone.
despite the background music, and the crowds of people zooming past
i could somehow hear me, and talk to myself the clearest.
it feels the same as when i'm running alone.
that despite the humdrum, i was never more aware of the voice within.
and yeah.
i like my alone times.

but i don't like how i can't express myself.
that no matter what i type out, there's always something within me that makes me delete, edit, or try and add in words to try and get it right.
but i never truly feel satisfied.
at least not in this journal.
well, i guess only God truly gets what i'm trying to get at,
without me having to try too hard,
but just to knock on the door.

without me having to try too hard

in quietness
and trust.
11:08 PM

__________

Thursday, December 15, 2005

words will fall short to describe what i've received today,
but i'll try anyway, just to share.

i just dedicated almost an entire afternoon seeking God,
reading and praying,
seeking for directions in a certain area of my life.
and what can i say-
God showed me so much.
and now things seem so much, truly so much clearer
it's like a whole paradigm shift.
to be honest,
i often felt like i was standing on a tightrope stretched across a gaping chasm.
but after today, God gave me a refreshing touch,
and i received the conviction once again
that i'm standing on solid rock.

i know it's gonna be difficult, and there'd be times where i'd fall short again.
but i claim the truth that God has erased me
of all my sin and shame.
and with that comes the power to move on again,
to forgive,
to live a different lifestyle,
and despite how it somehow makes me cringe inwardly to say this four letter word,
to love.

hey God! thank You.

in quietness
and trust.
8:19 PM

__________

Monday, December 05, 2005

will be flying off to austrailia for a week from monday onwards.
i'm seriously looking forward to the shopping there -grin-

anyhows. check this out.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

(the one on the right)

and,

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

(the one on the left)

haha whee. way cool.
what make-up can do =D
yeah. looking at the second picture kinda makes me miss taiwan.
oh well. hope you guys are doing good in taiwan (if you ever get to read this anyway)
keep pressing on in Christ alright?
haha and yeah to the rest of my friends,
so long, till i come back.
take care all (:

in quietness
and trust.
1:15 AM

__________

Sunday, December 04, 2005

i don't know why, but i just had this urge to define who i am more.
hence the new template.
but i'm still figuring out who i am.
i've been thinking.
i could be the best, sweetest, nicest, girl on the face of this earth
(i'm just saying i could lol)
but if people don't think so,
then am i still the best, sweetest, nicest girl on the face of this earth?
i don't know.
are we just as much as what people perceive us?

i never really felt very comfortable in my own skin.
there was always a subconscious inner struggle with the mirror,
with the person i know i should accept myself as
and the image that i "should" be that the world throws at me.
does it sound like a case of an identity crisis?
haha i don't think so.
i just wanna figure out more about this life that i'm living.
it's so ironic,
how i can understand and in a way analyse other people's characters and lives
but yet never seem to be able to for myself.
to put it in david lau's words,
"i don't understand myself"

yet i don't wanna be just another face in the crowd.

am i?

-long pause- (and yes i really paused for a very long time)

but does that matter, so long as i know that i'm a special and unique invidiual to God?
flawed and imperfect, yet loved so much still?
undeserving and unworthy, but yet bought with a price still?
yet while i know it is difficult to stop caring about what the world thinks of me..
no wait why do i even bother about what the world thinks.
when chances are
the people who don't know you enough would
most often be the ones forming the most inaccurate opinions about you.
and since you know they don't know you enough,
why would their opinions really matter at the end of the day?
am i gonna live the life of a circus clown,
doing whatever it takes to please the masses.
or puppets on a stage.

it'd all be for a show.
wouldn't it?

and right now even as i try and think of something like a "conclusion" to end this blog entry,
i can't.
sheesh i'm stumped.
ah well. i'm sorry for the long and convulated entry that probably doesn't seem to go anywhere.
that's what happens when my mind's just a whole whirlwind of thoughts.
or maybe becuase it's 4 in the morning now.
this entry is more for me anyway.
just some avenue to type out my thoughts.
and as i said,
it's 4 in the morning now.
yeah so i better go. take care all (:

in quietness
and trust.
3:32 AM

__________

Thursday, December 01, 2005

i'm backkk.
and i don't really know how to live life now lol.
i just get really sleepy, that's all i know.
but i know i've gotta really settle stuff that i need to.
things like meeting up with my cell members individually.
6 months planning.
area outdoor event.
uploading prom and taiwan trip pictures.
yada yada..
and i'll be flying off again on monday to austrailia.
oh oh and i just realised that sherron's and sherman's sister?
she's my sister's mentee in austrailia.
haha man. and sherron's like my mentor.
what a small world.

anyhows about my trip.
it was great, truly.
i didn't expect to bond so well with the team, and also with the taiwanese people.
all the crazy jokes and self obsessions.
hiliarious i tell you.
and God moved just so amazingly
in ways i never expected.
well i'm not one who's truly great with words
so i'll leave it as that.
cos i don't think any description could truly justify the whole trip.
yeah.

being away for more than a week has given me space and time to evaluate things back here.
especially my relationships with some friends and my family.
i guess it has really hit home for me how transient some relationships can get.
i still remember charles once told me -"andrea, you can't handle relationships"
and i'm still left here wondering about the truth of that sentence.

the truth of that sentence.

in quietness
and trust.
3:29 PM

__________

Sunday, November 20, 2005

will be away in taiwan for misison trip from 21st the 29th.
man. i can't wait to see God just move so mightily.
it's been a journey so far, and i haven't even left yet.
to all who are covering us in prayer, and sending us off tmr-
thank you (:

Well it's true today that when people stand
With the fire of God, and the truth in hand
We'll see miracles, we'll see angels sing
We'll see broken hearts making history
Yes it's true and I believe it
We're living for you

I'm gonna be a history maker in this land
I'm gonna be a speaker of truth to all mankind
I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna run
Into your arms, into your arms again
Into your arms, into your arms again

there's so much i've been feeling but i neither have the eloquence nor the time right now to type it all down.
i'll blog more when i'm back and ready to tell the story of 8 history makers.
pj. joa chim. samuel. derrick. david. su ting. eugenia. me.

Father won't You just rain down.
show us Your heart, and teach us Your ways.
and Father we ask that Your will be done in taiwan.
in Jesus name, amen (:

take care all~

in quietness
and trust.
11:25 PM

__________

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Some things in this world, man, they don't make sense
Some things you don't need until they leave you
They're the things that you miss

FAM's in two days and i'd only be receiving my dress the night before.
-crosses fingers-
i can only hope to God it'd fit, and that everything would just fall into place.
thank you da jie truly, for everything. -hugs-
help me thank your friends too ya. and of cos adrain.

-drums fingers-
i think prom is one night we prepare so much for. all that hassle, all that ching.
but i think, even if it's for just one night; just one night to make the memories and take them down in our cameras and hearts,
it'll be worth it :)

i never really felt like i belonged to rg.
that's the plain honest truth.
was i a misfit? possibly.
but still i'm glad to have found my friends (:
and some teachers.
so thank you God, for all those blessings.
for making me believe that being where i am is no mistake.

alrights. mission trip training again tmr.
well i have it practically everyday until my trip.
rah. intense. but it's okay (:
it's been a journey so far, and there's still more to come.
5 more days till the trip.
k i better go now.

Baby, baby, baby

When all your love is gone,

Who will save me

From all I'm up against out in this world?

Maybe, maybe, maybe

You'll find something that's enough to keep you,

But if the bright lights don't receive you,

You should turn yourself around and come on home

in quietness
and trust.
1:14 AM

__________

Saturday, November 12, 2005

okay. changed blog template. feels a bit weird though.
nvm. i'll edit it here and there some other time.
haha. life's been okay.
been busy with taiwan mission trip trainings and going out and all.
i think that's gonna intensify when the O level people are done with their exams.
cool.

anyways. i'm so lazy for prom.
so lazy, just so lazyyy.
-grin-
OH WHATEVER.
but come to think of it. to spend all that time and ching.
hmm.but there's a fun in that still i know.
owells (:

jiayou to those taking the Os.
it'll be over soon yeah.
take care and may God bless all.

in quietness
and trust.
2:25 AM

__________

Monday, November 07, 2005

who i am hates who i've been.
who i am hates who i've been.

in quietness
and trust.
11:15 PM

__________

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

okay this is gonna be a long post.

anyhows. Os are over. i'm so glad man. thanks to everyone for your encouragement and all.
means a lot (: thanks.
so yup. after Os i met up with shawn dale and jason to watch shawn and dale dye their hair.
nicol and terrence joined us slightly later. went to i-forgot-where to play pool.
legends of zoro after that, and dinner.
wednesday morning- was supposed to go support megalife for freddy boey cup.
but eh. haha. somehow couldn't make it cos of some mix-up in location.
but aunty dot and uncle dick treated a few of us area 3 people to lunch.
mm. then went to east coast park to cycle and chill out.
haha i think we cycled kinda long. felt good. especially at the jetty.
the feeling of the sea breeze on my face was really refreshing.

then today.. hmm. oh ya had to wake up super early for farewell assembly.
was okay i guess. wasn't overly sentimental but yeah.
the ring was pretty (:
lunch with vania, mus and darinne after that.
then i went to orchard library to sleep. woke up feeling hungry.
me and vania got ice-cream. mm yum.
then we parted, and i went to make my contacts.
some time after that met up with my dear cheryl k. for some volunteer work briefing.
had two dinners (groan. prom dress)
and here i am now.

and i am too tired to blog about my 5 weird things now haha xian.
though i really planned to do so when i started this entry.
owells. heh. soon girl soon.
this girl has partied too much and needs to sleep more.
(:
-out.

in quietness
and trust.
10:43 PM

__________

Sunday, October 30, 2005

at 1821 today i received an sms from my good friend cheryl.
"13 hours and 40 min to our exam! hah. jia you!"
thank you my dear, but that wasn't really very called for. at all.
haha but you certainly made me laugh. thank you (:

i'm taking a break now before i have to head back to my books.
rah. i know i won't be totally prepared, but i know i'll just do my best, and God will do the rest.
was feeling really jittery and unsettled on saturday but thank you very much samuel yuen for just taking time off to talk to me and share your own experiences.
and of cos, your jokes which, like i said, made mugging today that much bearable for me.
and thank you charles teo for your encouragement too.
not the earlier ones about failing - glares-
but yeah. tsk.

okay. this time tmr, i'm FREE.
wo3 po4 bu4 ji2 dai4, yao4 fang4 dang4 bu4 ji1!
ya la i know la very broken. heh but oh wells.
can't wait. -rubs hands together-
out-

in quietness
and trust.
7:55 PM

__________

Friday, October 28, 2005

i just woke up from a nap in school.
and now i've got a headache :(
higher chinese Os.
bleargh.

in quietness
and trust.
12:24 PM

__________

Sunday, October 23, 2005

"School life is like a sparkler. It's ever so short. Yet it's the brightest when it burns. But before you know it, it burns out. So enjoy it, and treasure it, while it lasts. For a burnt-out sparkler, can never burn again."

in quietness
and trust.
11:29 PM

__________

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

ah. talking to mel lim about how she recently accepted Christ really makes me happy.
a quiet kind of joy.
that's another one for God. and even more to come.

it's like. despite the circumstances, the tiredness, the difficulties of it all sometimes
it's these great things that make it all worth it.
seeing people come to know God
watching God's sheep learn and grow so much in faith.
and of course, to just love God more and more each day.
sometimes, it gets just so hard, really so hard
on this one way path.
but i've really been carried through all of the difficult times in everlasting arms.
now, life has meaning. it has purpose.
and i'm no longer existing - i'm living.
thank You God, simply for who You are, and what You've done.
and for the body that was broken for our forgiveness,
thank You.

My Shepherd King

You're watching over me

in quietness
and trust.
11:09 PM

__________

Sunday, October 16, 2005

i had a good day today with church peeps. uncle dick, dale, dew, charles you, aly, adeline, shawn, shaun, pek, johannes, ming, jason, aaron. lunch at seoul garden, singing along to silly songs and concocting all sorts of whacky things and dew and shawn challenging each other to eat them. haha. man. then we went to watch flight plan later. really good plot. well all in all it was a really good day spent. thank you God (:

in quietness
and trust.
9:50 PM

__________

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Atticus: If you just learn a single trick, Scout, you'll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.

in quietness
and trust.
9:27 PM

__________

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

i've got it all figured out!
in 2 months time, i'll graduate to RJ.
in 2 years, i'll graduate out of RJ and get into some fine and dandy university somwhere in some place exotic.
in about 2+2+2 years, i'll graduate out of that university and start working.
i'll travel around and enjoy my work.
i'll get the big jobs and get the big money
and when i look back now the jokes will still be funny.
yes and anyway. in about 2X2X2 years, i'll do the things that girls do.
mmhm. and then comes the kids.
and yada yada yada.
and in 2x number of years, i'll be dead.

no, really. i haven't gotten it figured it out yet -_-''

but anyway.
just let me savour the last 2 months first.
after that, as i cruise down this life
i need to learn when it's worth it to go with the flow
and when it's actually worth to take the roads less taken.
and at the end of the day,
which has made all the difference.

rain down
my heart is dry but still i'm singing

in quietness
and trust.
10:53 PM

__________

Saturday, October 08, 2005

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

have you ever felt like sleeping for a very long time?
i kinda feel like that now. to sleep till september (not literally) ends.
i don't exactly know what i'm feeling right now but yeah.
sometimes i just want a break.
the kind that would leave you feeling really refreshed.
at another crossroad in my life again, i really need God to show me which roads to take.
maybe i haven't been asking enough.
tough.
today's sermon message was really appropriate- being an example in speech.
pj was really right. a single word can cause a lifelong scar.
maybe i can be over sensitive, but i'm still human.
things like insensitive comments, betrayal, or even open dislike
have all accumulated till i really just don't wanna confide in anyone about anything.
it's just so blearghh.
i'm so tired of all this sometimes.
all it sometimes take, is just one word.
just one.
i need a break. from some things. from some people.

to forgive, is something i can choose to do.
but to forget is something i can't consciously choose to do.
i know myself well enough.

trust is such a fragile thing.
i myself have gotta be more careful with how i treat people
lest i make the same mistakes i used to make or others did.

take care all (:
there's an "us" in "trust"
so to me if there's no "us", there's no trust.
and i shall choose to end with that.
God bless~

in quietness
and trust.
11:19 PM

__________

Saturday, October 01, 2005

just a thought-

i realised i haven't felt pure, unadulterated rage for a long time.
that sudden rush of energy rushing through and the sudden urge to scream or lash out
or to sweep everything off the table
or throw something
smash something
or or.
hurt someone. maybe myself.

i think this can be either a good or bad thing.
cos that could mean i've gotten a better control on my emotions
or it could also mean that i'm not allowing myself to really feel.
there is a difference.
and right now i can't really tell.
time has showed me so much, and at the same time, made me forget so much.

in quietness
and trust.
11:19 PM

__________

Friday, September 30, 2005

http://artpad.art.com/?inl5unlc8v8

in quietness
and trust.
12:02 AM

__________

Monday, September 26, 2005

I'm finding my way back to sanity, again
Though I don't really know what
I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace

I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time

in quietness
and trust.
10:00 PM

__________

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Tell me I'm wrong
You see, I've heard this thing about you
Some sad stories about you
I look at you now
As always, you're keeping a straight face
Acting like, like you truly love this place
(but) you see,
I'm told that the place that you long for
Is where the shadows won't dance on your walls anymore
Where the nightmares will leave you alone
Tell me I'm wrong
You see, I've heard this thing about you
Some sad stories about you
Please, understand I need you to tell me the truth now
No more hiding or lies now

in quietness
and trust.
1:32 AM

__________

Saturday, September 24, 2005

i'm waiting for the songs dale sent me to finish transferring before i go off to sleep.
meanwhile, i thought i'd blog about my dear friend cheryl, and what she said during one of our recesses. i can't really remember what we were talking about but suddenly she said the following.

cheryl: if only adam and eve didn't sin!
-pause-
-sudden look of awe and revelation came upon her face-
(eyes gleaming) cheryl: then we'd all be naked!

-cough- well if you know her you'd probably know how it was really like. haha. amusing stuff.
anyways.
week 2 of option's over.
man seems like this term flies by really fast.
went for dedication service and then cell after sch today.
fell asleep without knowing it in dorcas' car on the way home.
came home, watched tv, snacked, bathed, came down to watch tv again.
and fell alseep on the couch until my mum came home.
i didn't know i was so tired!
doesn't really feel that tired but i guess the long days are really quite draining.
yawn. one more song to go.
-blurry eyed-
i don't know why i'm so tired still even when i slept just now.
lao le lao le.
this is a rather pointless blog entry meant to whilst away the time thanks to slow msn transfer rates.

anyway. i am worried.
the new strands of baby hair on my head are, interestingly, wavy.
or rather, not straight like the rest of the hair on my head (yes there is still hair left even after all the induced stress)
so either..
1) my hair is super damaged
2) at 16 years old, my mother's wavy hair genes in me have suddenly been turned on.

either way, i'm worried.

nooooo..rah.

in quietness
and trust.
12:06 AM

__________

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

hi all.
so sorry to all for having to tag twice (or more) cos ya the board just somehow doesn't auto-refresh.
-sheepish look-

anyhows..
charles- thank you. you've unknowingly helped me along this path again.take care of tt fever alright.
geraldine- heh. thank you girl. we've got an awesome God no? take care and press on for the Os. may God's hand of blessing be upon you.
elizabeth - haha thank you. that's really a first time anyone's said that lol (: thanks for tagging. take care ya.
nicol- (:
maggie- haha yes i do remember you. hope you're doing good (:(:
ting- i believe it wasn't really me, but God (: He loves you very much ya. and nothing in the world can ever take that away from you. thank you for being just you.

so how much time do i have left in my alma mata.
a few weeks? about a month?
time's just so.. transient.
people come, and people go.
memories haunt, and memories fade.
the future's so predictable, yet. yet it's still so uncertain.
it's taken me quite some time to be convinced that practically everything now is just a fleeting moment.
people i hold dear, things i wanna do, moments i wanna capture.
as much as i would wanna hold on to them, i know that my whole life story will be different some time down the road.
paradigm shift.
and looking back, i realised God has really blessed me with different friends along the way.
but i think one thing i've really learnt to do over time, is to be happy for the times i had with them.
and when the time comes, learn to let go, and let God.
it's been so hard. i kept asking why. why. why. till today, some things still sting when i think about them.
but i gotta accept them just as that. memories.
i'm not perfect. it's a journey. but i'm getting there by grace.
and believe that there's still the future, where i can make even more memories.

and as i'm sitting here typing, i'm trying to figure things out to myself as well.
this world is so big. and getting crazier.
wealth. looks. fame. accomplishments.
there's no safe anchor in that.
only God. only God.
i'm sorry God for the times that i forget.
the times i looked to the world instead.
it's not easy God. do you see me the way i see myself.
i know You see through all the layers.
but i can't fully understand why You choose to look at me in love instead. and in forgiveness.
i guess that's what love is all about isn't it. making that decision to forgive. and love again.
and that's what You did didn't You?
that's why there was the cross.
cheryl's right. what greater love can exist?
and i think i can never really fully grasp how wide your love is cos it's just so overwhelming and awesome- but i guess what my mind doesn't know, my heart does.
and that love humbles me. it's downright humbling.

"don't cry because it ended. smile becuase it happened."

in quietness
and trust.
10:21 PM

__________

Sunday, September 18, 2005

whoots. the weekend flew by man.
went to church slightly earlier to do a bit of work on saturday.
then had area l cell and service.
service was good seeing all the hurt people going up to the alter to get that gentle healing touch from God.
yupps (: the we had dinner at dorcas's house after that.
was so warmy and nice and all.
and the food was really good.
and today had to go slightly earlier to church again to discuss area outdoor event with shaun.
then had "meet my folks"
and had grandfather's birthday dinner at crystal jade after that.
-looks down at tummy-
xiannnnnnnn! :( hahahahas.
well okay the good was great and all.
but catching up with my numerous cousins was even better.
haha funny stuff. and i think we're gonna try and organise an australia trip or sth.
just the young ones. cool (:

alright. the week starts again~
lets make it count.
God bless all.
get well soon too alright charles. take care of yourself.

out-

The cold and wind and rain don't know
They only seem to come and go away
Stand by me, nobody knows
Yeah, nobody knows the way it's gonna be

ah. nice songs (:

in quietness
and trust.
10:32 PM

__________

Friday, September 16, 2005

james blunt's music soothes me.
haha yeah.
the end of the week's here and i'm feeling more or less relaxed.
options so far has been pretty cool.
the long hours have made me a bit tired but i'm not complaining.
just hope i'll get used to it by week 4 cos that's when i'll have to stay back till like 630.

miss huang's really amusing. she keeps me awake when it's like nice and sleepy in the afternoon.
quite fun to joke with her also.
chem teachers are one lot. talk about birds of a feather flying together.
she has the habit of strangling students too haha.
okay la.
it was just me. i think.
so like miss goh. - shakes head-
funny stuff.

anyway for one of our catastrophe lessons, we had to do some group presentation thingy.
was in the same group with amanda (old friend :)) and anna.
oh i just realised all our names start with 'a'.
okay irrelavant i know.
anyways yeah. our topic was on the whole issue of sacrifice during a catastrophe.
one of our stands taken was that we believed teenagers should be evacuated first. (don't hold me to that though- read to the end first please haha)
our reasons being that teenagers have higher productivity and reproductivity.
the dilemna being. if young children are given priority, there'd be high chances of them just ending up as orphans.
if the old are given priority, they are limited by their various constraints and can't contribute very much to society. and chances of them being able to reproduce are really slight.
if the middle-aged are given priority, and given the current state of pollution and state of society we are in, chances are their fertility rates would be rather low. and after all the shock and trauma we don't think they'd be in much of any mood or have the resources to make new babies.
meanwhile teenagers are more independent and still have their whole futures ahead of them.
and they're in fact more fertile than older adults (according to what mr chia said during bio lessons)
so yeah. i guess if you look at it detachedly, devoid of any human emotion, that seems to be the logical and reasonable thing to do no.
i'm not actually saying that that really should be the case though. i can't do that. simply because i'm homo. sepain. not sexual.
and of cos. everybody. young, old, male and female- they all have important roles to play and all are equally important. but i guess when times are critical sacrifices have to made. question is who, and how much.
and you know when i looked at all the pictures mr bryden (urm. think bryan + brandon) chew showed us of the many people affected by catastrophes all around the world, there's just that burden on my heart. i know that i'm usually stone faced throughout. no expression or exclaimation whatsoever. i somehow just. accept it just as it is.but i know i'd like to make a difference someway, somehow. i hope in time i'll be able to find out just how (:
well okay so that was just some thoughts and ramblings on one of my option classes.
if you made it through the ramblings up till this point, you're goodd -hiaks-

on another note,
cheryl.. you have fun at malaysia alright (: get well soon too.
nicol you take care too alright girl. keep pressing on.
okay enough rambling.
bye all. cya (:

in quietness
and trust.
8:37 PM

__________

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.
— Brennan Manning

hmm it's really true? and it just about encapsulates what i've been what i've been thinking about for a very very long time.
reading van's entry just made me feel like typing my thoughts out.
don't worry van not here to preach or what just airing my thoughts out as well alrights (:
well if you read this anyway haha.

i was chatting with nicol on the way home from last missions training and one of the things we talked about was the small daily things in our lifestyles that we know isn't a good reflection of Christ but yet we still do them.
e.g. gossiping, lying, bitching, cursing and so on.
- "everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial"
i don't kid myself. i know i haven't always been a good representative of Christ all the time.
it's a battle inside cos i know that people are out there, and they're looking. they're thinking.
and they're unbelieving.
i know that when it comes to God, it's really the heart that matters?
it isn't exactly the types of words we curse/lie/bitch gossip etc with but what's in our hearts when we do such things.
ephesians 4:29-30 says this. "do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen"

faith without action, is dead. i'm imperfect and it gets really tough sometimes.
what you see isn't always what you get i guess.
all have sinned and fallen short of perfection, but we can always pick ourselves up again cos He's always there
but i'm really open to hear you know. views out there. i'm open for chatting and all and i don't think i'm the type to talk to people just to stuff my views down their throats but really just to listen and think about it and present my side and they listen to what i have to say too and we all start and end in peace.
okay that was a long and convulated run-on sentence.
haha okay enough.
but anyway i think i may seem really unapproachable at times.
hmmm.

well. -tired smile-
take care all. nights.

in quietness
and trust.
9:34 PM

__________

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

alrights anyways. yeah no more jiggling tagboard at the expense of hover effect thingy.
but anyways cheryl there's nothing i can do about the crosshair.
i think la. my html still cmi. but not as cmi as before. haha.
so. next time read my entries like this --> O_O
and ting. haha chinese again with you tmr onwards!
chinese = blah.
you = [hmmmmm]
hehh will talk more with you soon girl (:

options.. options
haha go to any random rg girl's blog and you'll understand more.
i'm too lazy to blog about it.
i'm pretty happy with what i got.
besides i'm just really truly contented for the no Os.

it's the final stretch..

in quietness
and trust.
7:22 PM

__________

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

those were the days (: haha my goodness.

in quietness
and trust.
10:36 PM

__________

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

i've been watching a lot more tv and reading all sorts of magazines these few days. and the programmes i watch and the stuff i read - sex, violence, money, thousand and one stuff claiming to be the recipe for being slim (and therefore beautiful, or so they say) and other things; it got me thinking you know, of what the world's become now. it's not a pretty place. some people are shielded from things like these and live princessy lives and all, while some are really out there, hurting. people who buy what the world sells too. who don't know what really fills that void inside. it's not sex or money or drugs or a stick thin figure. it's not. it's not. someimes i have to really remind myself that too.

i went to the beach on my own yesterday. sat and then walked around for awhile and just people watched and relaxed. God gave us nature to enjoy but we are often too caught up with the pressures and pleasures of the world to take joy in the simple pleasures life can offer. it felt good just spending that time alone- it was like a quiet joy within me.

and i realised from my trip to the beach- just as the sun sets and rises, and just as the waves will always return to the shore, surely God is in control of the world still. and i was again assured that despite how screwed up and ugly the world can get, there is still hope. i look around me, and at myself too and sometimes it can be pretty overwhelming. but i gotta believe in that hope.

okay on another note i've been towning these few days. haha not bad la. just taking a well deserved break after the exams with my friends. and it's good ya. jireh, by God's grace was pulled off despite little manpower. yepp. okay what else. nothing much. good luck to all those taking prelims (: press on k people. am praying for you people. take care.

in quietness
and trust.
10:17 PM

__________

Friday, September 02, 2005

Lifehouse- Only one
She's got a pretty smile it covers up the poison that she hides She walks around in circles in my head waiting for a chance to take me a Chance to break me a chance to take me down now i see this burden you gave me is too much to Carry too much to bury inside

I guess You're the only one that nobody changes I guess You're the only one left standing when everything else goes down You're still the only one, You're still the only one

It's all shallow and all so appealing I'm up to my ankles and i'm drowning Anyway in a sea of sarcastic faces familiar places where everything looks Quite the same here it's all confusingly amusing bitter and tainted The picture You painted to me

I guess You're the only one that nobody changes i guess You're The only one left standing when everything else goes down You're still the only one Who will never change faces i guess You're the only one left standing

I've tried to find myself in approval i've already been there already done that it got me nowhere It brought me nothing but a good place to hide in no one to confide in now I guess You're the only one that nobody changes I guess You're the only one who will never Change faces I guess

You're the only one

I know my God can. and He will. and that's enough. the future's uncertain and unpredictable and with it lies the lurking dangers we don't see, but know that they're there. and through all the fears and uncertainties and worries there's where faith comes in. when everything starts else goes down am i gonna go down with it or am i gonna choose to look to the only thing that's bigger than whatever problems i can have. am i gonna choose to look to Him. that's the question. that's the challenge. my imperfections all shame me so much- all my past, all the things i can't seem to control - just everything. what you see is not always what you get, that's what they say. and it really is true. but despite everything, He's still there to catch me when it feels like i'm about to go down. thank You. i really have to really think more about others. it has always been. but it really has to be so much more. less of me, more of You. please God i don't wanna lead a life so shallow so self-sufficient and so selfish. always me this me that when there are so many people out there hurting. the feeling of knowing you made a difference in someone's life- is gonna feel even better than a GPA 4.0. that's what someone said. and it's so true. in our ardent pursuits of everything we want, be it short term or long term, we end up being just so tired after that cos there's no purpose. there's no passion. you can get a GPA 4.0 and be that achiever all your life but let me ask you what is it gonna be worth. that ladder of achievement is just gonna get higher and higher and there's not gonna be any purpose in it. what's the meaning of all that A+. when you're on your deathbed is it gonna worth a single thing. are you gonna call for it with your last few breaths. or are you gonna know that you led a meaningful life, and that when you meet our dear Father in heaven you'd know He's gonna say "well done my good and faithful servant". some don't believe in heaven. well i don't think it all ends here on this earth. this is not just space and trace where we go through the motions and at the end of the day we just get buried six foot under and that's it. end of story. if that's all we are- just physical bodies, then tell me how do we feel. how do we love. there must be more than this. i'm going for missions end of the year. but before i go beyond the borders, i really have to take a step back and think about right here, right now. missions ain't just about going overseas. we have a mission call right we are. the people around us. those are the people who need the light too. i don't wanna be a hypocrite who wants to talk about missions but not even care about the people around me.

well maybe to whoever's out there this entry may seem like some cliched entry of a girl acting holy and pious or whatever. haha well-

"I don't care what they say about me It's alright, alright. I don't care they think about me. It's alright, they'll get it one day"

in quietness
and trust.
1:05 AM

__________

Sunday, August 28, 2005

got this from a friend's blog -

you have to know one person, out of 6 billion in the world, to fall in love with them. and out of 6 billion people in the world, that one person must love you back, for anything to begin.

haha how true. kinda makes me go hmmm.
anyways.
4 more papers.
growl.

in quietness
and trust.
2:11 AM

__________

Thursday, August 25, 2005

things have a way of being found out.
i'm past asking why already.
right now,
this is my own battle to fight.

this silence cuts.

in quietness
and trust.
9:54 PM

__________

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

thank you to all for the well-wishes and stuff (:
appreciate it loads, really.

2 more weeks and it'll all be over.
God help me please like how You've helped me pull through all this while.

time made me forget
dreams made me remember

in quietness
and trust.
7:54 PM

__________

Monday, August 22, 2005

i'll beat you to within an inch of your life
and then i'd gladly take that inch.

listening to hillsong's come to the Father is really refreshing.
to be reminded again of the power of the Word, of the power of His blood.
and how everything has already been done.
the price has already been paid at calvary,
the sacrifice of love has already been made,
so that we would come.
as simple as that.

learning about riverlife's history has really struck me how God has built His kingdom so mightily.
how we started small, but God had a plan for His church.
and it really is true- where God is, there will be life.
there will be growth.
i guess i really have to claim that promise for rg cell as well.
to know that where God's prescence is,
there will be growth.
not just numerically, but also in depth.
there'll be difficult times but hey.
when we worship the great I Am,
nothing's impossible.
nothing.

on another note,
it's quite amazing how so much, and so little, has been done in a year.
Another year gone by/Oh the tears have run dry/Life seemed so unkind/A year ago today
that's taken from a delta goodrem song.
and i.. i don't know.
the past is the past.
and i should just leave it as that no.
it's better that way.
still. thank you God for being the same a year ago, now and for many years ahead.
forever till forever meets no end no :) ?
amen.

in quietness
and trust.
12:27 AM

__________

Thursday, August 18, 2005

I'm listening to dream theatre and it's great, as always :)
rock soothes me.

Replying tags, and blogging at the same time-
Xuanyi- thanks (:(: you take care too alright?
Huiting- yes!! i know! i feel so bad. i've never slept so blatantly in any class before you know? and it's like increasing in frequency now. rahh. and we still have higher chinese Os to take. hahaha well i guess we'll just have to press on together. thank God i have you in my chinese class :):)
Vanessa- LOL thanks for the encouragement alright :) appreciate it loads.
Vania- thanks a lot girl :) yup we'll press on together. you take care of your arm alrights.
VanessaLIM- -shakes head-

ah yes. i need to get my act together.
despite the no-Os,
i need to pull up my socks (figuratively too)
for the EOYs which are in..
a week.
oh joy :):)
haha no la. i know myself. i'll get down and dirty studying soon.
it's a matter of how last minute it will be.
not really thaaat stressed, though it's catching in class.
oh i'll get there when i get there.
the joy of the Lord is my strength. shall remember that cos i always tend to depend on myself to get things done, to overcome hurdles in life, and end up being so burnt out.
and that's probably why i'm not mugging like everyone else now.
burnt out. maybe not physically but academically.
haha k i don't think i'm making sense.
these days i don't know or understand what i'm doing.
what i'm saying.
where i'm going even.
gtg now.
byes :):)

in quietness
and trust.
11:16 PM

__________

Monday, August 15, 2005

i'm printing out the whole thick pile of bio lesson notes.
is that considered studying?
nah. i know. i just really have no motivation to these few days.
i'll just have to make all the lost time up don't i :)

oh boy.

in quietness
and trust.
11:27 PM

__________

Saturday, August 13, 2005

today was a great day. might not have exactly started out really good but it ended pretty great. service was great. lois and huiting came. and dinner after that was great again. much laughter :) and the talk after that? really warms my heart. i guess i'm really starting to see what abby meant when she said there's so much we can do with an all girls cell. i really felt it brought me closer to my cell members. praise God. haha. much laughter man.

on another note. i really have nothing to say to someone. that's one of my flaws. i stop and i close myself up when i feel i can't trust you. i stop making any effort. but i guess i deserve your coldness cos i initiated that. i'm sorry. i know i sometimes act the way i shouldn't. but why things ended wasn't cos i wasn't interested. dont' you understand?? i tried explaining to you. but i guess maybe another flaw of mine is that i'm not good with my feelings. not good with telling them outright. give me an essay to write and i can. but when it comes to me, to what andrea feels. she isn't good at explaining. maybe that's why she has to try and express it through other forms. music. words. prose. poems. or maybe silence is sometimes the best way. the easier way even. but not always the best way.

what do you do when it's you
against the mirror.
as every calorie's a war
and you can't win what you're fighting for
smash it watch the pieces bleed
try to redefine what makes me
seeing the flaws past the perfection
i can't deny what i see in the reflection
but tell me who am i to let you make me feel unpretty
when my God loves me simply for just how He made me.

anyways..
HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY DEAR JAN :):):)
it's been 4 tumultous years with you
all the ups and downs
but you're still around through it all -hugs-
have a blessed 16th my friend.
you're much loved dear special girl :)
take care~

in quietness
and trust.
11:52 PM

__________

Friday, August 12, 2005

whoots. haha. man i fixed the comp.
thinking back, i really have survived all my IT catastrophes.
talk about survival.

anyway. so many things have been happening.
FOP- great. what can i say. the presence of God was there. strong. steady. amen.
NATIONAL DAY- haha our class won the costume design competition! i'm proud to say i contributed a bit to Gina's sequinned green cone-y boobs.
BITE- haha we had fun no? presenting Candice our buttsaver :) and we won fish&co vouchers :))

anyway replying tags. kinda belated but hehh.
min- heyy thanks a lot for the help :)
aaron- thanks for tagging. yeah it's been a long time. the old centralone times were great. hope you're doing good alright? take care :)
valerie- haha heyy! hope you were blessed by STEPS alright? keep pressing on in Christ fellow area-mate :)
sherm- eh i'm not sure if it's kwek or wong. anyhows, hi :)
zhao- take care. no stress alright? :)
nicol- haha heyy! :)
syen- haha why never go? tuition ah. oh well. next year? :)
12- hello chio chiob and chiobu! hahas. schizo~ no prob. keep pressing on in Christ too alright? really glad you could make it -grin- it was fun! (what do you do when/ the one you love/ is with somebody else/and there's nothing you can do about it...)
huiling- what can i say :) it's been a long and tough road for you but hey. welcome to the kingdom of God! :) hope to see you coming for services and cell alright? praise God for everything :) He's shown me much through you. take care alright.
huiting- haha hello! :):):) thanks for being such a good sport for BITE and all hehh. take care alright! we'll sleep in chinese together hehh.

well okay.
one more of day of school before the weekend again :)
enjoy :))
bye for now then.

a year ago today.

in quietness
and trust.
12:08 AM

__________

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.

You and I have been through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

in quietness
and trust.
12:25 AM

__________

Monday, July 25, 2005

i wonder what happens
when we do not give faith that fighting chance.
when we are trapped by our own thinking
based on our circumstances
that it is just oh-so improbable
to reach that dream.

i think in time, we end up losing it.

and i think we do not realise that it's gone until it's gone
as the passage of time heals and blinds under the blanket of busyness.
and the dream slips by
like the sand to the tide.
those were good dreams.
dreams we had while growing up.
aspirations. wants. desires. pursuits.
but that was all before we conformed to the world
as we realised how our own personal dreams seem to pale in significance
in juxtaposition to the dreams the world created for us.
more, always more.
we never seem to be satisfied.

that's why i need my faith.
to believe that there is a better hope.
not just for me. but for all.
to believe that
the greatest grace we can aspire to
is the strength to see the wounded
walk with the forgotten.
to remind myself that i am just not another face in the crowd-
not just another statistic.
but that i matter, very very much.
to Jesus.
someone who died on the cross for me when He didn't have to.
and that i matter,
to my friends and my family as well.
and that if i dropped off the face of this earth,
it would make a difference,
no matter how small.

okay right. you have just taken a peep into how Andrea's mind works.
but right now the girl has to get some work done.
so well, bye and take care everyone :)

I know you

You are alseep in your church

on Sunday afternoon

Looking for God

in the answers you seek

through others

instead

of being the answers.

You are praying for peace

but unwilling to be it.

Praying for mercy,

but unwilling to give it.

Praying for love,

but too busy.

in quietness
and trust.
10:02 PM

__________

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

wooahhh.
it's alive.

i see it growing everyday
from april march june and may
lengthening with every contribution
some of which leads to much confusion
i'm supossed to do my math write up
but i decided to blog here and get ma rhymin' up
hello xuan yi don't cry here
go to janice and let her dry your tears
oh yo hoh abby loh
nice of you to drop by.. yohomojo.
my dear jan i have to say
i am not your mama-don't think there'd ever be that day
literary wit is very subjective
but i do try and put things in perspective
so thank you to whoever tags in this place
and now i shall end of before myself, i further disgrace.

-inserts angel picture-

okay i know that didn't work.
haha sorry. was just very tickled by all the tags.
as you can see in line 10,
i couldn't think of any suitable rhyming word.
hyoks.
some lit student seh.

anyway. sch has started again and what can i update abt.
oh i spent the first block walking around sch like a noob
trying to find the bio class.
actually opened the door to the right lab but saw another teacher
and so promptly and with as much dignity as i could muster,
i walked out.
and proceeded to wonder and wander.
before finally realising like a noob again that chiasmata was sick
and so we had replacement teacher.
hahaha mannn.
luckily today's prac was pair work.

ehh. does anyone know any chief distinction between the work of Newton and Leibniz on Calculus.
scowls.
you know one day i should invent something really great
then can you imagine on future performance tasks worksheets..
okay and i should stop cos i can already see janice shaking her head.
haha. heyy. come on who knows what the future holds.
i'll remember you ~~when~~ if i get there.

aiye. i really should get started on it.
hmfs.
actually nah. i'm gonna do qt and sleep.
-draws imaginary circle above head-
halo.
heh. ohwells.
bye everyone :)
take care, God bless.

and i just realised that there's an *ahem* after janice's comment on my literary wit.
heyyy.....

You take away my guilty stains/The things I've done that I can't change/It's only by the power of Your name

in quietness
and trust.
12:09 AM

__________

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

if i could
i'd hide under my covers
and throw the pillow at whoever comes
despite the "please go away" sign posted on my door.

sigh.

in quietness
and trust.
3:33 PM

__________

Sunday, July 10, 2005

I see the morning glory
It winds upon the tree
It tells the untold story of
How things were meant to be
You saw the universe
Caught up in despearte dreams
You came and changed the ending
Changed it to save my fate
You led the reoluvtion
You left your legacy
Embraced the struggle
In the face of mortality
I know i'm not alone in this
Help me believe

I can be free
I can be free from this place
Beautiful Healer
Beautiful Grace
Help me to see
Everything fall into place
Wake me from dreaming
No more deceiving
Break these chains

It's still the same old story
This great divide
Between the want and waste
And all the hunger inside
I heard the news today
now i'm trying to find my place
I'm just a single voice
What can i do to erase
All these misunderstanding
All this anarchy
Six degrees of separation
Sometimes it's so hard to see
That we are not alone in this
I need to believe

wow. some songs of corrine may are really not bad.
hah. anyway God has really been amazing as always.
thank You God for that few special brothers and sisters in Christ.
i know i'm not alone.

anyway bio pt's over and done. [for after effects, do go to xian's blog haha]
the weekend was great.
not exactly in the fantastic-everything-went-well sense
but yeah. in the sense that i just got closer and closer to God through the circumstances He placed in my life.
amen?

replying tags..
emeline- haha hey girl :))
mel- yeah. haha fellow the calling listener. i'm sure you'd know how it feels like to just chill out to some great calling music.
syen- hey! haha. thanks. you take care too :) exams finishing liao. just hang in there.
geraldine- haha i'm updating! hope you're doing good ya? God bless.
nicol- thanks :) God has been really good. you take care too :) God bless.
sam yuan- hahahaha.. :) hope you're still doing okay over there :) heh. God bless.

ahh. things have definitely been smooth sailing. not at all.
nuh uh. honestly.
but still - "You are my rock, on You i stand, safe from the storms that surround me"
it's really when things start crashing down and when you reach out for that hand that's already stretched out to you
that you know things really are, gonna be okay.

okay i should go.
sch starts tmr.
feels kinda =X
with math test on wed -cue for groans-
but i know God's gonna be with me through it all.

in quietness
and trust.
11:52 PM

__________

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Look around, the writing's on the wall
Don't you think we're all feeling crazed
In a world, where nothing's as it seems
Paved with broken dreams, I found truth
Well My God, I should know you're right
I should know it's right to say I thank you for my days

take care please everyone.
smell the flowers - the occasional sting from a bee is still worth it.

in quietness
and trust.
11:55 PM

__________

Thursday, June 30, 2005

:) the weekend's coming

so let's see. how has sch been. what comes to mind when i think back on the past week? err. the whiteboard. and lessons. many of them. organic chem! eh then. spitting cells back into the tube during bio prac. my aiming's very bad. lol luckily i had enough sample to work with.

saline solution doesn't really taste good.

okay this is a bit belated but yeah.
harry - !!
cheryl - thanks for tagging :) you take care too ya.
dew - no prob. i'm always here for you little girl :)
aly - yes. let's claim rg for our Lord :)) we're gonna see great things happening in rg cell cos it's all for Him.
geraldine - haha hi! girl you take care :) press on. yepps i'm doing fine- hope you are too.
mEs - haha who's sitting behind you now ah? -GRIN-
charles - you and the rest jia you ya? :) take care.

now that feels better. i'm blogging abt my days. something i don't usually do. well haven't found much inspiration otherwise either, so here i am blogging abt mundane stuff and replying tags. haha oh handmaid's tale is a really cool book. didn't read it during the hols but got interested to read it after first lit lesson. i'll quote this really good part the author wrote next time. i can't remember where it is.

this entry is so random sial. not used to it.

oh ya! haha ms goh changed seating arrangments. so it's like the backest row?

lin min/candice.......vanessa/xian hui/me.........cheryl k/vania

haha man it was super funny man. havoc. mel's sitting in front of vanessa. haha sorry power of 3 has changed (A) funny stuff. i'm really surprised ms goh would still put me and cheryl so close. been sitting like less than 1 metre away from you since sec 1! and me xian and van- it's like beginning of sec 3 again.

okay i really can't find anything else to blog abt.
hm. -thinks- (not an easy thing)
study smart seminar- 30th july.
and friendship day- 10th august.
i'll be asking you guys abt it :)) it'll be fun.

okay i think this entry has the record number of smilies and exclaimation marks.
and "haha"
even after editting and deleting.
eh not used to it sial.
moods. i dont' feel like it's me when i read back on this entry.
scary.
okay enough i better go and sleep.
bye.

in quietness
and trust.
11:33 PM

__________

Thursday, June 23, 2005

best msg today from the song "just that good" by the calling.

step outside, walk with me
everyone i know and see
is falling,
is crawling after something
maybe
a bigger house, a faster car
never knowing who they are
they're lonely

i used to be like that.
thank you God for changing things.

in quietness
and trust.
12:20 AM

__________

Monday, June 20, 2005

"I lived my life as I saw fit,
some may think I was wrong,
but I know that God loves me,
I heard it in a song.

These times are too short,
and full of worry and pain,
just remember the coming light,
and accept those days of rain.

Don’t cry for me,
my work here is through.
Go and live your life,
and let me cry for you.

I never was a big follower,
I never wanted to lead,
not just another pretty face,
just lived to be me.

Now my life is far from over,
but on earth I won’t be found,
and if you’re ever looking,
heaven is where I’m bound.

Don’t cry for me,
my work here is through.
Go on, live your life,
and I'll cry for you."

had a pretty cool time with abby jan and mus.
it's been a long time.
thank you God for friends.
goodbye.

in quietness
and trust.
9:44 PM

__________

Friday, June 17, 2005

i really don't feel tops now but i know i'll just drag myself down to training.
feels like i'm on the precipice, just about to get sick.
rah. just what i don't need. :(

anyway i just realised that it's been a long time since i went to secret place.
actually secretplace 1 and secretplace 2.
i'd dearly love to go back soon.
but going back means that i'll be feeling real down.
cos that's where i usually find my peace.
haha randomness.

anyway HSW's over and it was good :)
good job to comm members haha.
missed quite a bit of it cos of training and dental
but it was good nonetheless.

okay thoughts are just like swarming around in my head now
and i know that's not very good cos chances are
that would lead to brooding.
and brooding = nono.

okay anyway i've gtg for training soon.
btw. please do take note that there's another andrea in rgs in friendster.
i know a couple of you guys out there added the wrong andrea.
lolx.
yeah just to let u know.

out.

in quietness
and trust.
1:18 PM

__________

Monday, June 13, 2005

in quietness
and trust.
8:20 PM

__________

Sunday, June 12, 2005

"lemuel"
now now your name's first lolx.
happy little boy?
has.

rah. the holidays are slipping away like the sand to the tide.
and i know myself. i'll slack away the holidays and do last minute chionging.
but hey that's what i'm best at right. haha..
all the sleepless nights. owells.

i swear there are so many things i wanted to do during this hols.
sigh but at the same time i also really wanted to rest and recharge.
rah. balance.
i'm still trying to strike it.

apparently school of rock's this friday.
haha cool. all the best to those taking part.
and RMUN too. haha cool.
shaun and alexi.
jia you.

you know. being in rg scares me sometimes.
it's like half a year's gone by and i don't really feel much of a personal accomplishment.
spiritually yeah :)
but it's like more and more i find myself wondering if the effort and time put in in my studies is really gonna be worth it in the end.
i've seen quite a few of my friendships die out.
and i've seen me and my school mates so caught up in the spiral of academic accomplisment.
a one-way spiral where enough is never enough.
perfectionism. that's what they call it.
and i stand guilty of it too haha.

but i guess this camp has really helped me in finding my direction.
quite a few things were revealed.
"die to your own agendas" - that's what pastor david palmer said.
easier said than done,
but i know God's gonna walk me through it all.

thoughts. sorry. i know i have random entries.

in open fields of wild flowers
she breathes the air and flies away

in quietness
and trust.
9:43 PM

__________

Friday, June 10, 2005

leader's camp cum church camp's over and man was it spiritually amazing
i don't know how to explain it.
God really touched me and things just started to fall in place.
ubin was fun! hahaha a lot of funny things happened la.
funny as in "funny"
HMMM...

den STEPS camp.
it was spiritually really good.
espeically for the tunnel thingy.
it's like when you're just looking at everyone crying out
it really smacks you right in the face just how REAL our God is.
anyway i don't think my fellow PLOTZ leaders will see this but just wanna say a big THANK YOU for making camp really so enjoyable.
samuel lim, amanda ong (cough-miss personality), glenn (bet you're gonna be sleeping through the whole plane ride to states haha), geraldine chang, wei shi, shawn yap
oh ya. and lemuel.
haha small but lethel.
oh ya and domain leaders marcus and shi wei.
you guys were really great to work with la.
:)
good job camp comm for making this camp a success.
many many many lives were truly touched.
my dear rg girls-
alison, dew (twinnie), su lyn and mel
keep pressing on okay? :)
really wanna thank God for bringing me new friends and deepening existing friendships
what can i say.
it didn't seem too long ago when the only people i knew in church were abby and jan and syen and charles.
haha. amen amen.
oh yeah and thanks to everyone who prayed for me.
espeically sherron and shaun and samuel and whoever else was there cos i was like down and couldn't see.

aiya. haha such a weird entry la. but anyway
the biggest thanks have to go to God.
amazing.
it's so difficult to describe la.
it's like i don't know how i would have gone on if He didn't break the bondages in me.
and it's like how many millions of people out there who don't know Jesus are living in chains without knowing it.
hmm. anyway yeah it's like it really defies description to see God working in you friends' lives as well.
people like dew, mel, su lyn, alison, shawn tan, ray, aaron and so many so many others.
marc leon justin and sherman especially.
it's like when sherman went up to share his testimony i was just so overwhelmed at what God can do and does.
i can still remember back in the past when things were in just such a big mess for him and now everything's different for him.
talk abt a living testimony :)
amen.

You're all that i want/You're all that i need/You're all that i want/You're all that i live for in this world

in quietness
and trust.
9:31 PM

__________

Sunday, May 29, 2005

man time flies. another term's gone. while i'm glad beyond words for this breather and break, it only serves to remind me how my time in rg's dwindling. i find myself relating to xian's entry abt how our friends are gonna remember us by when we go our separate ways. makes me stop to think if i'm spending too much of my time pursuing things that don't really matter in the end. perfectionism-that's what they call it. gotta remind myself to look to God and not things of the world when they're not gonna last forever and be worth it in the final end.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

time flies. things have been and gone.
but some effects last.
gonna be at track camp from monday to wednesday.
better finish up my math.
bye.

in quietness
and trust.
9:55 PM

__________

Thursday, May 19, 2005

back quite some time ago from band jamming.
unwinding.
felt good.
hahaha man the good times.
let's hope they last.

you wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears
why did you have to go
guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love
God it's so hard to trust

avril-ness.

just a quickie.
as in. quick update.
hmm.
some ups.
soem downs.
getting more rest though and that feels great.
so informative i know.
i can imagine miss lim's voice going "EXPLAIN!"
hyaks.

okay.
yawn.
i'm a boring blooger.
wonder who comes here anyway.
*waves frantically to whoever might actually be reading this*

psl carn this sat.
it'll be fun. hyaks.
toodles.

in quietness
and trust.
10:26 PM

__________

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

world, please stop frustrating me.

in quietness
and trust.
10:27 PM

__________

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

i haven't settled back into the mode of doing work and that's bad cos there are 6 mega performance tasks waiting to be done.
sigh.
i'm beginning to feel more and more zoned out.
knowing what's been happening around me and yet not.
somehow a part of me would rather not know.
rather not care.
and live in my ideal bubble world
but nothing like that ever comes close in real life.
haha it's a vicious cycle you see.

rah. RS is giving me a headache.
PSL carn thing is also giving me a headache.
too many things, too little time.
look to God drea.
:)

hi to those who tagged.
hello daughter (:
hi charles. hi xuan.
yep coach carter was really good.
good lessons to be learnt. (:

okay. it's time i got more productive.
i will try.

in quietness
and trust.
10:42 PM

__________

Monday, May 09, 2005

i've hurt
and i've been hurt

realised something quite by accident yesterday
which serves to remind me about the fool i've been.
-laughs-
nvm. i know things will be okay someday.

And try to understand, there's an old mistake that fools will make
And I'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away

what else is there to say
when some things are left unsaid
and some things will never be said.
nothing.

the brilliant dance

in quietness
and trust.
12:01 AM

__________

Saturday, May 07, 2005

exams are finally over and i can finally take a breather. well at least until the results are out. oh well. haha. what's done is done and what's over is over. taking a great break now. listening to songs from coldplay, oasis and john mayer since i've been online. something soothing for my raw nerves from the past few days. read nights in rodanthe just now too. not bad. oh yeah. watched coach carter this afternoon. great show. something that shows something called reality. or at least some sides of it. finally not the photoshopped pictures you get on magazines and tv screens. not storybook lives. not make-believe perfection. quite amazing how 1 person can make such a big difference. if i'm not wrong the story's based on a true-life one.
i don't know what to blog about.
fragmented thoughts.
jigsaw puzzle.
anyone care to piece me back.
i can't see the big picture now.

in quietness
and trust.
12:28 AM

__________

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt,
Who am I?
That the Bright and Morning Star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind,
Still You hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling,
And You've told me who I am..
I am Yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin,
Would look on me with love,
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me,

I am Yours, I am Yours.
I am Yours,
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?'
Cause I am Yours,

I am Yours

Dear Lord i pray that Your hands would be upon my friends and i through these tiring and trying times of exams Lord. Lord i pray that You'd bless them with discipline and wisdom to tide them through this coming week Lord, and that You'd heal those who are feeling unwell and may You continue to bless thouse who are healthy. Lord i pray that despite the busy times Lord, may we still want to spend just some quality quiet time with You Lord, to remember You and walk with You. So dear Father i just wanna lift up every single one of my friends into Your hands Lord.
amen, amen :)

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" matthew 11:28

in quietness
and trust.
1:50 AM

__________

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all

in quietness
and trust.
11:58 PM

__________

Monday, April 25, 2005

So you buried all your lover's clothes
And burned the letters lover wrote,
But it doesn't make it any better
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
In the hall where you had your first kiss
Reminds you that the memories will fade.

And the picture frames are facing down
And the ringing from this empty sound
Is deafening and keeping you from sleep
And breathing is a foreign task
And thinking's just too much to ask
And you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.

nothing much to blog about
EOIs are coming up
so press on people..

we'd all like to think that we are invincible

in quietness
and trust.
10:40 PM

__________

Empty Apartment
Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down as I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes you forget where the heart is

Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening now
Can't you see something's missing?
You forget where the heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life, what's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is.

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say it's okay

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say its okay
It's okay
It's okay

in quietness
and trust.
12:14 AM

__________

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

and you're just running on the hamster wheel. running running faster faster!! but then you just end up at the same place. --rach

true. -shakes head-
come to think of it.
is the track a hamster wheel too?
hm.

there's training tmr.
i better sleep now.
when we feel like there's nothing to be thankful for
look around. at the simple things in life.
walking. sleeping. laughing. eating. friends. family.
simple things. no price tag attached.
think about it.
night homosepians (:
take care everybody.
abby- hope you're feeling better k.

don't be in a hurry to grow up.
you'll get there when you get there.
don't choose to throw innocence all away
only to wish you'd held on to it as long as you could
some time down the road.

in quietness
and trust.
10:49 PM

__________

Sunday, April 17, 2005

it's late. you're tired.
you're holding on to Him all that you can.
someone talks to you online.
you just wanna be alone.
you think about all the stuff that nobody save God knows.
you think that maybe it's worth taking the risk to trust somebody.
maybe it's time to stop bottling things up.
maybe, just maybe
you won't get disappointed this time.
who knows. you just might get lucky.
this time. you won't get hurt.
-_-''
so
you take that chance.
that maybe, just maybe again
that person is gonna be worth to opening up to.

BUT. wait hang on.
you think about the past.
you think about comments that still haunt you.
you remember that "you can't handle relationships"
you remember the things you saw and heard while growing up you wish you never had to
you remember feeling low. you remember the feelings and the day they stopped.
you remember feeling like you'd never ever measure up.
you think about the damage. and the side of you that nobody sees.

and you realise that the only true one you can rely on after all's been said and done
is Him.

in quietness
and trust.
12:46 AM

__________

rah. IT is so frustrating.
you know what fear is?
fear is when your computer suddenly crashes when you're chionging your Performance Task.
or when you finally am willing to get down into the do-work mode
and your comp just simply refuses to co-operate.
thanks a lot.

that aside, i'm really tired.

i missed church today. okay okay i know my bad.
some people just have to rub it in.
thanks ah.
i was just so tired after a whole morning of filming at candice's house
(which was completely hilarious btw)
i came home at around almost 3. planning to take a short nap before heading off to church.
but i totally conked out. my mum said that she and my sis tried calling me.
but for the life of me, i didn't even know.
i didn't hear my alarm, or them for that matter.
and so i slept through church.
sigh. you know when people are having problems the very last thing they want is for you to rub things in.
nvm.
just another part of life. what's next.

okay i know i sound kinda angsty now but things have just been taking it's toll on me.
cross country was bad with a capital b.
okay i don't wanna go into details but to put it short i kinda fainted.
the following days i was already so tired and i mean really tired
but i had to stay up late nights to do chem and dunnoe what la.
i was even tired out from PE can you believe it.
plus the past few weeks i've been really sick, which probably resulted in cross country catastrophe.
i wonder what happened to the energy i used to have.
i don't recall ever being so tired at the end of the week.
i look at my juniors and i think "hey i used to be like them"
[and as i'm blogging now my computer's having the time of it's life screwing up on me again]
i used to run laugh play sleep in class have fun go out hang out watch movie go eat chit chat lame around yada yada yada.
used to.

i do want to sleep early.
i do want to be able to handle everything healthily now.
i do want to feel like eating.
so God please help me out here
amen.

i don't know what to say anymore.
the world is quite a screwed up place honestly.

in quietness
and trust.
12:06 AM

__________

Sunday, April 10, 2005

today was pretty good.
area gathering's msg really hit home for me.
and i feel so much better now.

thank You.

mel chan sorry for not being able to meet up today ya. :(

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
but for now i can't.
cos this is me and not that someone else u have in mind.
and i am who i can ever be.
so here i stand in all my inperfections.
but i'm not gonna compromise
being a substitute for the rainy days
or being that bruised and overused spare tyre
anymore.
but if you ever need me
i'll be there on the double.
and i mean it. please take care of yourself.
for now, this is just something i need to do on my own.
actually not really on my own.
haha yeahh.
God's with me. :)

you know what friends.
i'm sure we all had times when we were really down.
when you were just so sick of the world.
when you felt so alone and that nobody cared.
i'm here to tell you, with all my heart.
somebody's listening.
somebody cares.
somebody loves you.
His name, is Jesus.
and today i stand, a living testimony.
we all know how fair-weather friends all come and go.
we all also know how even the strongest friendship or relationship can fade away.
but i can tell you.
His love. stands. no matter what, until the end of time.
it doesn't diminish or go away despite whatever you do or whatever mistakes in life you make.

if any of you out there wanna know what can fill
that tiny bit of emptiness or loneliness
that sometimes just calls out to you.
or the answer to "there must be more to life than just what i'm living now"
do let me know okay. :)
i know a lot of rg girls don't believe in religion cos of what we learn.
from subjects like bio and lit (the crucible) and philosophy
but i really wanna tell you people. take the chance.
i do have my intellectual doubts too.
hey man we all learn the same things right.
but take the chance. cos honestly.
accepting Jesus a few years back
and running back to Him last year
were the best chances i ever took.
and if you ask me about it today?
no regrets. :)

in quietness
and trust.
12:58 AM

__________

Thursday, April 07, 2005

the way the world just whirls you into its spiral of achieving
and leaves you with no other alternative
but to continue climbing [and falling at times]
is kinda exhausting. =S

i can finally take a breather now.
SS pt and math test - settled.
no comments for either -laughs-
i really need this break i'm taking now man.
1 more day to the weekend.

the comp's playing MLTR songs
HMMM.
haven't heard them in a looong time man.
it's comforting.
it's like putting a plaster on a wound
it hurts real bad at first
but after some time
it'd heal.
it's comforting to know
it'd heal.

had a short talk with xian today
and got to see things from another perspective.
hoho.
lolx oh ya anyway xian's my new table partner
since the teachers decided that we had to change seating arangements..
aww. bye cheryl. dun miss me too much kae.
you can always uh. turn your head to the right and shout 1/3rd way of the classroom to me.
:)
xian - (!!!!) i still can't believe it -laughs-

don't call me melancholic or nostalgic
just someone who got cut one too many times
and is finally learning to put the bandage on
rather then choosing to expose it for further damage
time and time again.
and don't get me wrong.
this is not for the reasons certain people would probably have in mind.
things aren't always what we think they are.
open up those eyes please.
cos i've opened mine.
what happened to people around me.
they're just strangers walking by,
just another face in the sea of the crowd.
pause.
rewind.
back to the times all of us were more than strangers.
but friends.
no no no wait.
stop.
unpause.
let it play on
so life goes on :)

shall pen off here.
goodbye everyone, strangers and all
take care and God bless :))
it's really about time i get some badly needed rest.
brain has ceased functioning after math test already.
hoho. BYE. shhh okay.

in quietness
and trust.
11:23 PM

__________

Sunday, April 03, 2005

i just got home from dear mus's party.
i thought i was okay already
till now.
my head. is pounding.
okay.
i really don't like to whine and complain
but i've never felt like this before.
to add to the list, i feel really really nauseous now.
and NO i'm not pregnent
-_-''
okay.

what's wrong with me.
can someone tell me please.

in quietness
and trust.
11:18 PM

__________

Saturday, April 02, 2005

A	Adventurous
N	Naughty
D	Dashing
R	Refreshing
E	Extreme
A	Appealing

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com
HMM.
anyway. nonsense aside, RS is finally settled.
yayness for now.
whatever will come later let it come later.
as late as possible please.
okay my body has gone totally haywire like never before
so i guess i'll go sleep now.
take care.

in quietness
and trust.
1:03 AM

__________

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Nothing lasts forever though we want it to

The road ahead holds different dreams for me and you

friends, especially fair weather ones
all come and go
so lets treasure the moments and the laughter we all have together for the moment :)
this year will fly by
let's not get caught in the academic expectations and the hustles and bustles of life
rushing from one thing to another
tiring ourselves out more than we should
so much so that we lose track
and lose sight of our God
and we forget to take the time to do something special for someone once in a while
or to occasionally ask the people around us a simple - "hey how have you been"
or to ask our parents "how was your day?"

i'm not saying that i do all those things.
everyone's imperfect, but let's try our best ya.
at the end of the day, are those scores you get on your tests gonna bring you happiness
or would it be remembering the times spend with true friends
all the smiles, laughter, as well as the not so good times.
think about it.

the scores?
or the smiles.

in quietness
and trust.
11:49 PM

__________

Monday, March 28, 2005

oh my.
sch starts in a few hours.
don't ask me how i feel.
i'm not ready
i feel tired already. >.<
laughs.
but oh well.
welcome to my life.

God thank You for the peace only You can give.
i'm scared. i'm tired. i'm lost. i feel small in this big big world.
still, thank You for being there for me through it all.
for healing skinned knees from falling.
help me to hold on.
and please watch over my friends through whatever problems they have right now too.
thank You Lord.

ah it's late.
i better go sleep.

in quietness
and trust.
12:39 AM

__________

Saturday, March 26, 2005

janice- yay you're back :)
syen- thanks for that msg
things are looking better. thank You God.

in quietness
and trust.
10:52 PM

__________

Friday, March 25, 2005

in quietness
and trust.
11:17 PM

__________

Thursday, March 24, 2005

taking a trip down memory lane
i realised that i've forgotten about so many things
what's left are just the shadows. the echoes.
it haunts more than what used to be there.
just a hint, just a tease of what i used to remember
but now i just can't
the sense of loss is just gnawing.
hurts.
memories too are gone now.
hais..
anyway
we all move on.
"we learn to walk forward, so let's walk forward"
:)

i just can't remember

there's more i want to say
but like always
i can't let it all out here.
haha it's okay
maybe i'm just tired now.

hmm. so. updates.. :)
had cell today. went to watch miss congeniality 2
funny stuff, go watch ya people.
had to sell our 200 tissue packets today too.
haha xian you better thank me and cheryl man.
thanks to us (or rather the buyers actually)
you dun have any to sell.
-laughs-
yeah was a tiring morning
slept like a baby on the train to tamp for cell.
ya.
haven't been getting enough rest.
eye bags are big enough to stuff an elephant.
okay not funny.
i haven't been funny in a long time too.

btw keshia i'm sorry but i really don't remember?
haha sorry :)

aiya. dunnoe what to blog la.
shall sign off here.
God bless everyone :)
Remember :
24/7 He'll be there for you
enter the light, reject the shadow
He'll see you through all
so don't you worry
He'll leave you never
He'll stay with you forever
just for you
24/7 :))

This may never start

Tearing out my heart

I'd be your memory

Lost your sense of fear

Feelings disappeared

Can I be your memory?

in quietness
and trust.
10:42 PM

__________

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

having the coughs and the flushes now.
gah.
and have to restrain my cough which is so ugh
cos i don't want my mum to worry excessively which she tends to do so.
hmmm.
jtc tmr. or rather, today. science centre was today. ack okay yesterday. lit film viewing was on monday.
i slept during the omnimax thingy.
it was okay la. geog isn't very me.
but maybe cos i was tired.

holidays are drawing to a close soon.
haven't done anything much
but lamenting now doesn't serve any purpose huh.
tsk.
next term's gonna be even more hiong man.

it takes strength to admit one is weak
oxymoronic, but true.

i sound so dead and my thoughts seem so fragmented
just have quite a lot going through my mind right now

He's my God and He is my refuge
He's the rock on which i stand
He's my fortress
God He is my life
He holds the oceans in His hands

tired. cough. cough. bleargh.
will blog more another time.

[praying you'll be okay]

[everyday]

in quietness
and trust.
12:24 AM

__________

Monday, March 21, 2005

replying some tags..
samuel yuen: haha. hahahahaha. hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
thashi: hey girl :) thanks.. train hard ya! you take care too :):):)
keshia: urmm haha i don't really know who you are? how about coming up to say hi next time you see me? haha hmm. you take care too :)
huishan: haha thunder thighs and cow calves friend! laughs. take care ya :)
syen: hope your leg heals well ya? God bless :))

sph's over. haha. had 4X800m relay today
man do i have to say it ends really quickly
compared to my usual 1500 and 3000
laughs.
got 4th in the end.
clocked a pb :)
go rgtnf! haha.
hmm. okay there's some lit film viewing thing tmr
i better go sleep soon =X
will blog more in time.

mel chan! :) take care of yourself k. and update more!

luckily lessons don't start tomorrow man.
hmm.
take care people :)
God bless

in quietness
and trust.
12:31 AM

__________

Sunday, March 20, 2005

my apologies to deborah
guess i should have acknowledged you or cited your blog.
have already editted the previous entry
hmm.
so sorry for any wrong accusations ya.
yeah.

so anyway.
am tired out sial.
synergiz was really great!
didn't get to buy the cd or the shirt in the end
broke + out of stock.
okay
i'm really yawning my head off
plus there's sph tmr.
or rather, today.
k den.
peace out.
:)

in quietness
and trust.
12:19 AM

__________

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

have been having a whirlwind of thoughts lately
getting increasingly noctournal too.
@_@

anyway. replying tags..
andrea- haha urm hi? thanks for tagging :)
samuel yuen- boo! haha. yeah it's the right andrea. hoho :) thanks for tagging too.

[from /pinkglassdoll]
anyway. i've thought about it.
and i realised that
old friends in some ways, are worse than strangers
because there lies so much past
and "once was".
with strangers, there just might be a future
but with old friends
it's only a past
it's true
and it's sad
some friendships have to be put aside after their expiration date
for me, i'd rather savour the sweetness that once was
than taste the sour rancidness of expired food
but i know deep down
that if you ever needed me again, or am prepared to start the friendship all over again,
i'll be there on the double
[end]

abby blogged - "skip around with different groups of frens and dun leave any roots. den u wun be hurt. but will u have frens that last? or will dey all just fly in their own directions?"

good question. no answer here. thoughts anyone?
-drums fingers-
still, i thank God that His love is one that lasts, throughout all of time.
no matter what.
amen?

zhao, take care of yourself k. i'm here if you wanna talk, to let it out.
and i mean it.
i'm sorry for your loss too :(

//and if you turned around to see me

and i was gone

should have looked outside your window

cos the sun was coming up//

in quietness
and trust.
10:09 PM

__________

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

it's been a long time
but i can still taste it..
it's bitter sweet.

laughs. i'm tired of keeping it all in.
off to my own private blog.
just me and God
i hope this is all just attributed to a classic case of PMS.
but come to think of it.
that would mean i have chronic PMS.
aiye whatever.
laughs-

in quietness
and trust.
12:43 AM

__________

Friday, March 11, 2005

1
more
day.

in quietness
and trust.
12:28 AM

__________

Sunday, March 06, 2005

i guess some things aren't gonna change.
hais nvm.

anyway hi keshia who tagged
haha thanks :)
keep the tarbetian spirit burning ya?

and advertiser. i know you are either ray or aaron.
LOLX.
sneaky la.

hmm. founder's day went pretty well.
haha i still stick to my belief- we can't please everyone.
but we had fun :)
loads.
impromptu and unrehearsed parts for me.
spur of the moment.
challenge- fun.
hoho.
thanks for all the support -cough- especially from my friends
and.. my juniors
-laughs-
even though we got no professional training.
hugs to band members.
rach- you sang real well and dun worry k? we'll all get scrutinised together X)
cheryl- you pulled it off! haha. great playing :)
jan- hahaha.. you were great girl. esp during your 24/7 solo. and to play while singing. haha cool.
other members- anabelle, xian, candice: you guys will always be a part of us :)

hais okay i still owe teacher work.
tsk. bad.

I know there are times
your dreams turn to dust
you wonder as you cry
why it has to hurt so much
give Me all your sadness
someday you will know the reason why
with a child-like heart
simply put your trust in Me

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on Me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk

Don't live in the past
cause yesterday's gone
wishing memories would last
you're afraid to carry on
you don't know what's comin'
but you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
take you through the night
if you keep your eyes on Me

you will never be alone
faith is to be sure of what you hope for
and the evidence of things unseen
so take my hand and walk
Just like a child
holdings daddy's hand
don't let go of mine
you know you can't stand
on your own

work calls.
bye.
btw. rach the above song is real nice :)

i would buy a gun and start a war, if you can give me something worth fighting for

in quietness
and trust.
11:12 PM

__________

Friday, March 04, 2005

tired out.
anyway.
zhao. you take care ya.
anytime you need anyone to talk to, i mean it.
i'm here for you kay.
i'm sure your friends are all there for you too.

i had so much to say about me recently.
in fact i did.
only to delete every single thing.
-laughs- i'm tired.
yet still pressing on.
sigh.
bye people.
zhao- will be praying for you k.
take care.

wait and lie awake for a lonely miracle

in quietness
and trust.
12:08 AM

__________

Sunday, February 27, 2005

ever felt like the world would be a better place if you just dopped off it?
kinda feel like that now.
nvm.

your bitter goodbye is ringing again through this silent night

i'm tired of the cold silence.
i'm tired of myself too.
funny how things change-
you don't know it till it's done
and till you realised that there's nothing you can do about it.
forgettable and forgotten.
i guess that's about it.
*laughs* i guess the spare tyre just couldn't work anymore huh.
it was just used one too many times.
till it couldn't work.
and so it was discarded.
or maybe it begged to be discarded.
maybe it was both.
ah owell.
rants.
someone out there give me a reason again please.

Now hush little baby, don't you cry
Everything's gonna be alright
Stiffen that upper lip up little lady, i told ya
Daddy's here to hold ya through the night
I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why
We feel how we feel inside
It may seem a little crazy, pretty baby
But i promise momma's gon' be alright

in quietness
and trust.
11:57 PM

__________

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

thinks about workload

*laughs*

*has a headache*

haha ohwell.
there isn't much to blog about.
let's see. there was school. and uh.
school...
lessons..
classes..
OOH TRACK. [hohomojo]
homework..
tests...
hmm. okay that has been pretty much it.
and tomorrow there is well.
school..
founder's day rehearsal..
training..
hooyeah.
RAH.

hmm okay. i was feeling quite pleasant just now but nvm.
oh my FSH and LH.
-shakes head-

take care.
kayy.
you.
you you you.
take care.
anytime you wanna talk to me (which i hardly doubt you would anyway but hmm..) my phone's always on for you ya.

Was when He ran to me,
He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise when God ran

the prodigal son..

-okay.
out -fralalalas-

[edit]
i've raved and ranted.
but erased everything cos some things are just not meant for others to see.
well maybe just 1 person.
ah whatever.
keep guessing.
you'll never understand who i'm referring to at which point.
[/edit]